"Mobland": The sons of rival crime families date. Of course it ends badly. With Brosnan butt, four dicks, and Gavin Munn

Mobland (2025) on Paramount Plus, is about warring London mobs.  The youngest son in a crime family is usually gay, as we have seen in Gangs of London, Shameless, Greenleaf, Animal Kingdom and The Righteous Gemstones.  

Eli Gemstone's son Kelvin  and grandsons Pontius and Abraham  (Gavin Munn, right) are all gay.  At least in my fan fiction.

Besides, it stars Pierce Brosnan, so I'll check out Episode 1.1, "Stick or Twist."

Scene 1: Harry (Tom Hardy, who played a gay mobster in RocknRolla, 2008) is hosting a mob summit where the capos,  speaking various languages (all immigrants?), are arguing over a mishap involving a spoiled side of beef.  Mehmet and Costas agree to a truce, but only with a handshake, not with an apology.  That might be good enough: Harry goes to the restaurant upstairs and reports to his Dad (Pierce Brosnan), who doesn't think that it will stick.  Besides, Mehmet and Costas have been skimming off the top.

Back downstairs: Harry orders his goons to kill them all. Equal opportunity assassins: one of the goons is a woman.   Dad inspects the corpses, finishes off one ("You whore!"), then announces that there's a gap in the brown business; call the Maltese and ask for their offer.

Scene 2: Two guys at a club.  Tommy (Felix Edwards) and wants to go home, but his Boyfriend Eddie (Anson Boon, gay in real life) argues that they still have "a date with Destiny...and Bethany and Alexis and Zari."  So that's two girls each, or are they planning to share all of them?

Left: Anson's d*ck.

On the way to the orgy, they run into Tommy's friends Mink (Lucas Ely, straight in real life) and Kingster. (Jake Dove, can't tell) Boyfriend wants to rush him along -- the girls are waiting!  -- but Tommy would rather hang out with the guys.  Prefering male company to a hetero orgy?  He's gay.  Boyfriend fumes.

On the way, the guys take a photo: Tommy and his Boyfriend belong to rival mob families, so dating --- um, hanging out -- is epic.  Boyfriend throws their phone out the window.  "Nobody can know that we're dating...um, hanging out!"

Scene 3: Boyfriend Eddie suggests an exclusive leather/S&M club that he belongs to.  He's only permitted one plus-one, but he bribes the bouncer to make it a plus-three.  Inside, it's mostly leather-clad girls dancing. Not a gay club, darn it. 

Eddie flirts with a girl and threatens a leatherman, while the other guys look embarrassed.  The manager rushes over to complain about him bringing three guests instead of one. 

Uh-oh, Eddie splashes a guy with his drink, then insults him, and when he complains, stabs him to death.  Security tries to grab him, but he climbs onto the roof and escapes.

At the park, Eddie runs into Tommy, who is hyperventilating. "You really fucked that one up."

"He was reaching into his back pocket.  It was self-defense."  Then why did you run?

"You're a mad c*nt, Eddie."  In Britain, it's the equivalent of "asshole," applied to men and women.

"Don't worry, I'll take care of you."

More after the break

"Teacup": Body-jumping aliens, two heterosexual romances, a gay subtext boyfriend betrayal, and Rob's knob

Probably-gay actor Jackson Kelley notes that he had a starring role in the paranormal horror Teacup, on Peacock. I figured he would be playing a gay character, so I checked it out.

The premise: On a farm full of good country folk, animals start behaving strangely, then people start trembling and speaking in riddles.  The power and WIFI go out. 

An invisible "teacup" trap marked by a blue line appears around the property; any person or animal that crosses it dies a horrible death.  A guy in a gas mask keeps patroling and gesturing.  Sound doesn't get through, so he uses a board to say things like: "Stay behind the line" and "Trust no one" 

The people trapped inside the "teacup" are divided into heterosexual nuclear families:

Family #1: James (Scott Speedman, left, from Animal Kingdom), his wife (a veterinarian), sick elderly mother, teenage daughter, and preteen son.

Family #2: Ruben (Chaske Spencer from Twilight), his wife, and his teeange son, trapped there when they brought their horse to see the veterinarian.   

Soap opera plotlines: The wife is secretly having an affair with James, and the son has been in love with James' daughter since he was in second grade, but is trapped in the Friend Zone (but not for long). 

Family #3: Donald Kelley (Boris McGiver. left) and his wife from the farm next door also happen to be there when the teacup is  put up.

The Newcomers: While everyone is dealing with the crisis and soap opera stuff, preteen Arlo (Caleb Dolden) tells his sister and her not-boyfriend that the Assassin is coming to kill them all.  The only way they can escape is with a multicolored liquid from a crashed meteor, so they gather a vial full.

Gas Mask Guy wants the vial, and crosses the blue line to get it, whereupon they stab him.  

Meanwhile, James finds the injured Travis (Jackson) hiding in the basement, worried that he's "one of them" and ready to shoot.  As they have a standoff, Travis tells his story:

Gas Mas Guy at a Bar: Flashback to Travis as the new guy working at the bar, mesmerized by Gas Mask Guy, McNab (Rob Morgan).  Wouldn't you be?

Left: Rob Morgan having coffee n*ude.  But he doesnt' have a lot of tattoos; maybe it's his breakfast companion?

He's telling about the aliens who set force-field "teacup" traps that incinerate any complex organism that tries to get through.  They're non-corporeal, using human bodies as hosts.  They can jump from body to body.  Often the humans aren't even aware of it, so anyone could be hosting an alien.

Bartender Big Al tells Travis to pay attention to the other customers; he'll wait on McNab himself.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

"Da Vinci's Demons": An absurdly heterosexual Da Vinci, a bi guy who only likes ladies, two monstrous gay predators, and a lot of penises

 

Last night Da Vinci's Demons, appeared on our Peacock recommendations.  We didn't realize that it was from 2013: Peacock keeps the date of tv series secret.

Of course it would turn gay artist and inventor Leonardo Da Vinci (1452-1519) straight: every historical figure from Shakespeare to Cole Porter gets straightened in contemporary media.  But when I was studying comparative literature, one of my fields was Renaissance Italy.  Plus there were hints of the paranormal, secret societies and such.  So why not?

Big mistake.  It was disgusting.  I can't even bring myself to do a scene-by-scene, but I'll post some of the nude photos.

1. They straightened Da Vinci (Tom Riley) in the most offensive, slap-in-the-face way possible.  He starts out painting a naked woman of "exceptional beauty," then discuss the incredible beauty of the Woman of His Dreams, Lucrezia Donati, over and over and over.  Finally he manages to have sex with her for ten minutes of her boobs.  .  

2. His apprentice Nico (Eros Vlastos), who grows up to be Niccolo Machiavelli, gazes longingly at the bare boobs, too.  It is absolutely imperative to demonstrate that every man on Earth is heterosexual.  

At least Machiavelli was straight in real life.

3. DaVinci's buddy Zoroaster (Greg Chillan) mentions that he's been with men in an offhand comment, then goes into detail about the exceptional beauty of the hundreds of women he's had sex with.  He likes ugly women, too, because they're better in bed.  

4. There are two gay guys.  I know, every man on Earth longs for women's boobs, but these people are not men, they are odious, slimy monsters who have nonconsensual sex with teenage boys.  The first, the Duke of Milan (Hugh Bonneville), is killed immediately after he kicks the boy (Matthew David) out of his bed.  Serves him right for being gay.

More homophobia and some penises after the break