The 11 years I lived in Los Angeles were the best of my life. Imagine having a job interview at Paramount Studios. Driving down Sunset Boulevard, past Chateau Marmont and the Comedy Store, on the way to work. Running into John Amos at the gym and Richard Dreyfuss at the Bodhi Tree. Living two blocks from Mickey's and the Different Light. Buying groceries at the West Hollywood Safeway, where everyone is gay. So of course I'm going to watch a tv show called I Love LA., even though it's about zillenial ladies with influencer problems.
Plus, the ladies have a gay friend, played by Jordan Firstman (who showed his stuff in Rotting in the Sun, below). In an era where gay starring characters on tv suddenly turn straight (Dr. Who, Klaus in The Umbrella Academy, Will Byers on Stranger Things) or their shows are cancelled after one season, maybe secondary character will have staying power.
Firstman's cock
Scene 1: It's Maia's 27th birthday, and she's having energetic sex with her boyfriend (Josh Hutcherson); his chest visible, she is fully clothed. There's an earthquake, but she thinks that he is being extra-energetic, har har.
Scene 2: Maia on the toilet, while Boyfriend brushes her teeth. They discuss a girl in Boyfriend's class, whom Maia hates, but Josh gives the benefit of the doubt: she's only 12, entitled to be bitchy.
Next topic: Why Maia gets so many UTIs (as we know from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, that happens when your boyfriend is extra...um...capacious).
Next topic: Maia is a year older today, so does she look like an ugly old hag, or is she still as ugly as yesterday? There's no way to answer that without getting in trouble, buddy.
And why is she still an assistant? She should be a manager by now. She's an utter failure!
"You could ask your Boss for a promotion."
"I could, but I have to time it right." She looks at a photo on her phone of a woman gazing lustfully at the camera while shoving her finger in her mouth. This depresses her.
Scene 2: On the street. Still depressed, Maia watches as her Black Friend gets out of a fancy car, runs across the street, and hugs her. "Happy birthday!" As they discuss how much Alyssa hates her hair style, two gay guys walk up. Her Gay Friend (Firstman) waves goodbye, says "I love you!", blows a bunch of kisses, then admits to his friends that he has no idea who the guy is: "I've literally never met him before."
He's Jason, played by Rion Fletcher (nude photo after the break). This is his only appearance on the show.
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Scene 3: The three walk down a jogging path in a part of L.A. that I've never seen before. Maia asks about Tallulah's Heaven campaign: it was months ago, but she's still "breadcrumbing it" at $10,000 per post -- a ridiculously low amount! Plus she lives in...ugh..New York! The friends agree that she's a joke, not worth Maia's time.
"Oh...um...we were friends five years ago, but now I hate her, of course. She didn't even wish me a happy birthday."
"You're still in contact?" Gay Friend scoffs. "Block her! You don't see me hanging out with Avici anymore, do you?"
"Well, he died."
Gay Friend rushes off to cruise a guy. Maybe he didn't want to deal with the grief over his dead friend, or maybe he's just horny.
Next topic: Maia is worried that at 27, she's over the hill, no longer a useful member of society.
"Nonsense!" Black Friend exclaims. "My Dad won his first Oscar at age 28! You still have, like three good years left!"
Back to Tallulah: "Block her! You can't keep living in the past!" Gay Friend chants "Block! Block! Block!" until she does -- "and I feel amazing!" She yells "Love you, bitches!," and rushes away. Is that a term of endearment now?
She climbs the stairs to a workshop. I don't know what they make or design here, but the staff is all women.
Left: So far the only male characters have been the button-down schoolteacher Boyfriend and the swishy stereotype Firstman, so here's Colin Woodell, who plays Ben in two episodes (not this one).
Alyssa, Founder and Principal, is getting a manicure. "Happy birthday! How old are you now?"
Maia tells her.
"Ugh, 27, that's rough. Better than 28, though. 28 -33 are like 'Kill me!'"
"What happens at 34?"
"Bitch, there isn't anyone over 33!"
Maia points out that she developed Grayson's Chipotle Bowl, which sold a lot of corn, so she should be promoted to manager.
"Nope, sorry, I can't promote you to manager unless you have experience being a manager." That sounds like a Catch-22, but it's actually how human resources work: you must have done this job, or you couldn't possibly do this job.
More after the break. Caution: Explicit.