Michael Welch: Flying starships, fighting zombies, getting baked, showing his chest. With some dick pics

 

You probably remember Michael Welch from the Twilight saga, about a girl torn between vampire and werewolf boyfriends (Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner).  He plays a human who has an unrequited crush on her.

Michael had sharp features and striking eyes that make him look angelic, demonic, or alien, so he was often cast as a  gay-vague outsider, even if his characters sometimes experienced unrequited heterosexual passions.

He began his acting career at the age of 10 in Star Trek: Insurrection (1998)  as Artim, a guy from a non-technological planet who bonds with the android Data.  performance won him a Young Artist Award.

Next came a series of paranormal and science fiction roles, including a clone of Colonel Jack O'Neill (Richard Dean Anderson) who just wants to be a normal teenager, on Stargate SG-1.  

He guest-starred in a number of sitcoms and dramatic series, including a memorable role as a new neighbor who falls for the brainy Malcolm in Malcolm in the Middle.

On Joan of Arcadia (2003-2005), Michael plays Luke Girardi, genius brother of the girl who talks to God,  He has a homoromantic buddy-bond with his best friend Friedman (Aaron Himmelstein), although he's also girl-crazy.

In The United States of Leland (2003), his mentally-challenged Ryan is murdered by classmate Leland, Ryan Gosling, who is dating his sister.

The Grind (2009) is about a grifter, Luke (C. Thomas Howell), who depends on his friends Josh and Courtney (Michael, Tanya Allen) to get him out of a jam. They start a sleazy website, but things go sour, and Luke has to rescue them from the Mexican mafia.

In Lost Dream (2009), college student Perry (Michael) falls for nihilistic free-spirit Giovanni (Shaun Sipos), who is involved in risky sex, drugs, and games of Russian roulette.  He must save Gio before it's too late.

As we often find, teenage gay-subtext roles give way to a thoroughly heteronormative adulthood.  Hansel and Gretel Get Baked, 2013, about a witch who lures teenagers into her house and drugs them with marijuana before literally baking them for dinner.  

More after the break

"Eric": Drunken puppeteer, a gay cop, a missing son, and a boyfriend with AIDS. Life as usual in 1980s New York

The Netflix series with the one-word title Eric is drawing my interest because it's set in the 1980s, so there will be some nostalgia, and because it's about a missing youth  -- 99% of the time, it's a woman or a girl.   

But...it stars Benedict Cumberbatch, hated for his role in the aggressively queerbaiting Sherlock and the execrably heteronormative Doctor Strange. 

Oh, well, let's give it a try.

Scene 1: The ten-year old Edgar -- is that a 1980s male name? -- has been missing for two days.  His Dad addresses him on tv: "I'm sorry, buddy. Prove to everyone that you're not dead.  Come home"  Sorry for what, dude? Did you do something? 

48 hours earlier: Edgar wanders around backstage as his dad and others film Good Day Sunshine, a marionette show with full-sized human figures.  The puppeters sit under them, apparently visible on screen.    Their closing motto is "Be good, be kind, be brave, be different."  In the Reagan-Thatcher 80s?  As if!  

A live orchestra-- this is a big deal.

Edgar waits while Dad Vincent -- Benedict Cumberbatch -- criticizes the producers for trying to "switch it up" with a beatbox number. The director explains, "We need to get some elementary school viewers, the cool kids." 

"What's next? Slime?" That was a Nickelodeon thing.  He insults his fellow cast members until they make excuses and leave.

Meanwhile, Edgar wanders around wardrobe.  He cuts some aquamarine fur from a muppet "for Eric."

Scene 2: Dad Vincent grabs Edgar, snarling, and pushes him across the street, against traffic, and onto the subway.  Edgar tries to discuss his idea for a  new character, a monster named Eric.  But Vincent isn't paying attention; he's glaring at some beatboxing teens. The kidnappers?

Nope. Next Dad makes Edgar wait outside while he buys booze in a liquor store. Customers glare at him. Uh oh, here's where he vanishes. 

Nope. Next he angrily insists that Edgar race him home, through the busy streets of midtown Manhattan.  Uh oh, here's where Dad zooms ahead and Edgar vanishes. 

They make it home ok. 

Scene 3: Edgar's Mom, who has a man's hair cut, complains that the city is going to close another homeless shelter.  Where are they supposed to go?  Edgar goes up to his room, decorated with art and comic books, while Dad criticizes Mom for withholding sex, and Mom criticizes Dad for being a drunk.  Whoa, drama. 

Upstairs, Edgar can hear them arguing and yelling "Fuck you!" at each other.  He escapes into his art.

Scene 4:  At dinner, Edgar tries to talk about his puppet idea again, but Dad Vincent is too aggressive: "Sell me on it!  You're not being enthusiastic enough!  Don't be a wimp!" Emotional abuse, Dad.

Edgar goes up to his room again and puts on headphones, but it doesn't help.  He still hears the parents arguing:  "You're out all night!" "Fuck you!"  Is this going to be paranormal?  Is he going to escape into Eric's world?

Mom comes in to hug him and check under the bed for monsters.  They discuss how much they love each other.  My parents never once spent five minutes whining "I love you so, so , so, so much!"  when I was trying to read a comic book and fall asleep. 

Scene 5: Morning.  Dad makes French toast to smooth things over, but Edgar is still afraid of him.   Closeup of one of those "missing kid" milk cartons.

Edgar heads out to school.  Men glare at him.  A guy in a van glares through his rear-view mirror. Maybe he'll be kidnapped now? I'm tired of the misdirections. 

Edgar is played by Ivan Morris Howe in his first screen role, but he has done theater, including "Oliver."  Looks rather femme.

Cut to the police station.  Detective Ledroit comes in.  A woman asks "Who's the lucky lady?" due to his after-shave.  That's heterosexist!  How do you know that he likes ladies? Oh, because he gazes at you with a sultry expression for five minutes. 

Adequately heterosexualized, he can go on to the Missing Persons case. 

Wait -- the Detective is played by McKinley Belcher III, who is gay in real life and has a husband.  Why isn't his character gay?

Scene 6: Vincent at the studio.  Today's filming is big deal, with network suits watching, so he promises to not have a meltdown or tell people to "fuck off."  A coworker notices that he's bleeding, but he covered it with a headband.  Uh-oh, Vincent killed his kid.

When the filming starts, Vicent goes off script: "Let's play a new game.  It's called 'Spot the Pile of Trash.'"   He stomps off, gets ten messages to call his wife, ignores them, gets some fan photos taken, snarls at the network suits.  Just fire him, and get someone else to voice the puppet.

More after the break

"Dashing in December": Campy Christmas romcom with gay guys and a ranch that needs saving. Plus Neil Patrick Harris's butt

I was recommended Dashing in December, a Christmas romcom advertised on Amazon Prime as a tv series, for some reason.  The blurb gives the standard plotline: Big City careers are stupid, go home for Christmas and find love.  The twist: Big City is a guy!  It will take about 10 minutes of screen time for the big reveal: he's gay!

Scene 1: Establishing shot of NYC.  Big, Important Financial Planner Wyatt (Peter Porte) is at an office Christmas party, miserable amid the talk of husbands and wives.  He and Lindsey broke up in October, so he'll be alone!  At Christmas! Hey, I thought Wyatt was gay.  Has he not figured it out yet, or is Lindsey a made-up girlfriend? 

"What went wrong?" the Big Boss wants to know. "I thought you and Lindsey were perfect for each other."  So they've met?  Maybe Lindsey is a beard? Or maybe he's bi?

 "The nonstop trips to the Cape, the five-star restaurants every night. I want someone with simple, down-home tases."  Should have thought of that before you moved to the Big City, Dude. 

More plot: this is the first Christmas since Dad passed away, so Mom is depressed, so he's going back to the ranch in Colorado.  10,000 to one he finds love there.

Hey, the hot bartender (Eric Meroño, left) grins at Wyatt!  If you came in cold, this would be your first clue that Wyatt might not be straight, but I'll bet not one viewer in 100 catches it

Scene 2: Establishing shot of a beautiful ranch in Colorado. Wyatt's Mom brings tea to her workers: a girl and Heath (Juan Pablo de Pace, below).  She announces that Wyatt is coming home for Christmas, for the first time in five years.  Heath has only been working there for three years, so they've never met, but the girl is his High School Girlfriend. Whoa, Wyatt really racks up the babes.  

"Won't your husband, who is out of the country working for Doctors Without Borders, be jealous of your ex-boyfriend visiting?" Heath asks. 

High School Girlfriend, grinning: "I...don't...think so."  Her certainty is another clue.

Heath leaves, and High School Girlfriend interrogates Mom: "Heath doesn't know about Wyatt?" 

 "Well, I couldn't just tell him, could I?"  Tell him what, Mom?  What about your son is such a problem that you're afraid to tell your employee about it?

"Well, does Wyatt know about Heath?"  

"What could I say: you guys are both gay?"  The big reveal!   Why all the circumlocution and misdirection?  Probably the same rationale as not revealing that a tv character is gay until Season 2: you want the viewers to become invested in the story first, so they won't run away in homophobic horror. 

Wait -- Ranch Hand Heath is gay, too?  So what's the problem? This will be a very short romcom. Wyatt's plane lands, sparks fly, mistletoe, the end.

Scene 3:  Heath giving two moms and two kids (a lesbian couple?) a tour of Santa's Workshop. By horse-drawn carriage, not sleigh: there's no snow on the ground. 

Meanwhile, Wyatt arrives. pulls out his luggage, and grimaces. Yuck, back at the place I found so oppressive as growing up!   Mom hugs him and immediately envisions him having kids. Geez, Lady, wait until he's in the house before pressuring him to get married and have kids. 

Wait -- if Wyatt is gay, what's up with the ex-girlfriend Lindsey?  Mom references them with he/him pronouns -- yep, he was a guy with a girl's name, a misdirection to fool us before the big reveal.  Or Wyatt has a thing for gender-bending names: his High School Girlfriend is named Blake.   

Mom points out Heath: "He keeps the place going."  Wyat notices the lack of customers for Santa's Village, and criticizes him for not doing his job.  Yeah, Heath, get busy and make with the snowfall!

Scene 4: Heath and High School Girlfriend are heading to dinner, and to meet Wyatt.  Heath worries that he will be homophobic, but she reassures him: that won't be a problem.  So the guy who escaped Colorado, with its long history of homophobic legislation, for the freedom of a gay mecca, is homophobic?  

At dinner, Wyatt snipes at Heath (left), misnames him Hank, criticizes the terrible wine he brought, and ignores him to chat up High School Girlfriend. This isn't going well, but then neither of the guys knows that the other is gay.  

More misdirection after the break