David Boreanaz and Friends: A tortured vampire, a fundamentalist FBI agent, a homophobic ghost, and a porn video

 Born in Buffalo in May 1969, David Boreanaz graduated from Ithaca College with a degree in cinema in 1991 and moved to L.A. to start his film career. Instead, he found his way onto Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997-99).

Buffy Summers is The Slayer, the "one girl in all the world" with the power to kill the vampires, demons, and other evils who keep escaping from the hellmouth located in suburban Sunnydale, California, while trying to negotiate high school. 

Her scoobies include science nerd Xander (Nicholas Brendan, left); his girlfriend, a 1000-year old vengeance demon;  witch-in-training and eventual lesbian Willow; and  Willow's doomed, bury-your-gays girlfriend.

Not a lot of beefcake in the bunch, but the writers took care of that by giving Buffy lots of boyfriends, including two feuding vampires, the conflicted, tortured Angel (David Boreanaz, top photo), and the sassy punk rocker Spike (James Marsters).  

Literally tortured.  The writers kept trying to out-do themselves in thinking of creative ways to torture Angel.

I liked some of the adventures, such as when everyone in town had to sing instead of speak, or when grinning men who fed on fear started floating around.  And Buffy gave us two indispensable terms for analyzing tv shows, scoobies and Big Bad.  

The attitude toward LGBT people was a bit old fashioned.  Xander, upset because a lady demon rejected him, announces that he's going to go gay. Willow explicitly states that she was straight, but changed to gay.  Their handler shuts them all down, proclaiming that there's no time to worry about "orientations" when they're facing the most severe crisis of all time (every season).

In 1999  Angel left Sunnyvale, except for a few guest appearances, to start his own paranormal detective agency, in Angel (1999-2004).  His scoobies included Cordelia, a reformed high school Mean Girl; the half-demon Doyle (Glen Quinn),  and Wesley (Alexis Denisof, left), a "rogue demon hunter" -- at least in the first season.  Glen Quinn died, and there were many defections and replacements, doubtless because this was not a fun, tongue-in-cheek paranormal adventure.  

I had to keep watching due to a partner who was a big fan, but it got very, very dark.  Sure, Cordelia used to be a Mean Girl, but did that justify putting her through excruciating physical pain in every episode?  I insisted that he fast-forward past  the scene where Wesley's girlfriend spends five minutes dying, in the awareness that she has no soul, so she's headed for extinction. This is supposed to be entertainment?  F*k the Sadness. 

After Angel, David finally managed to break into movies.  I didn't see any of them, and probably won't.  These Girls (2005): high school girls blackmail a "slightly older hunk," who happens to be married, into having sex with them?  In 2005, David was 36.  But at least he gives us frontal and rear nudity.

Explicit David dick after the break

Gemstones Episode 3.7: The handsome man, queerbaiting, misdirection, and me yelling "What the f*k!" a lot

Previous: Episode 3.6 Continued: Kelvin and Keefe fight, BJ and Stephen fight, and nobody likes hologram Aimee-Leigh

In Episode 3.6, we saw the aftermath of the Judy/BJ and Kelvin/Keefe breakups, with failed reconciliation attempts, a fist fight, and both Kelvin and Judy quitting their jobs at the church.  In this episode, things get even worse.

When I watched the first time, I kept yelling "What the f*k!", being annoyed and then outraged by the constant misdirections, chronological flubs, and queerbaiting. It looked very much like Danny McBride was telling us: "Kelvin and Keefe are straight buddies.  Fooled you!"

But that's impossible.  There were not only 200-plus queer codes, Season 1 and 2 both ended with affirmations of their love.  McBride didn't know if the series would be renewed, so each season finale might be the last we see of the characters.  And what we see is "They are in love," not "Keefe, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend."

Knowing what comes after,  I am going to re-watch this episode, looking for any evidence that suggests that saying "Kelvin and Keefe are just friends" does not mean that "Kelvin and Keefe are just friends."

Title: "Burn for burn, wound for wound, stripe for stripe."  Exodus 21:25. Fans argued like mad about trying to connect the burn/wound/stripe to the personalities or kidnapping strategies of the Gemstone siblings, but it's a misdirection. The previous verse has the more familiar "eye for eye, tooth for tooth." It just means that the punishment should fit the crime.

Burn for burn and all that:  During the evening of the day of the Aimee-Leigh Hologram debacle, the BJ-Stephen penis fight, and probably the Kelvin-Keefe rocking chair fight, Judy goes to a drug store to buy pain medication for BJ.  On her way home, goons from Peter's militia crunch her car with the Redeemer and grab her. 

Misdirection alert: the trailer makes it look like she is the one crunching. 

Chuck Montgomery tries to trick Jesse, and when that doesn't work, the goons shoot him with a tranquilizer dart.  

Kelvin bangs on the door at Woodpecker's Carpentry, yelling: "Are there any woodworkers in there? I'm looking for Keefe Chambers!"  Now that he's no longer worried about his job at the church, he's free to reconcile with Keefe.    But it's long after hours; the building is dark and deserted. Why would anyone be inside?  Besides, Keefe told Kelvin where he was working; wouldn't he give him his new address and phone number, too?

Imagine if someone were inside: "See, my ex-boyfriend and I had this big fight, and he doesn't want me to have his new number, and I don't know where he's staying...I need to see him...no, I am not a stalker!"

Six militia men wearing scary masks surround Kelvin.  The trailer makes him look paralyzed with fear, but actually he is quite brave, trying to intimidate them and then defend himself.  They punch and hit him, and squirt a toxic liquid into his eyes -- which stings but has no long term effects.  Why does Kelvin need six guys to take him down?  Why does he get a more brutal kidnapping?  I don't know.

Screaming like a woman:  The three siblings are put in what everyone calls a chicken silo, although chickens are housed in coops.  They are tied to chairs, with pillowcases over their heads.  What for?  You don't need to be imprisoned and tied up both.

Fans uncomfortable with the idea of gay relationships noticed that Kelvin's pillowcase resembles the trans pride flag, thereby signaling that he is actually a transgender woman.  Doubtful: Jesse's depicts the cartoon character Maisie Mouse. 

Kelvin yells for help. Uncle Peter enters and asks if he is "screaming like a woman," maybe a dig at his gayness, but more likely because he considers any emotion "like a woman."   He explains that the militia is holding them for ransom.

The handsome man: When Keefe arrives for work the next morning, he sees Kelvin's car with the doors still open, checks the ground for signs of a struggle, and asks his coworkers, "Have you seen The Handsome Man?"  This makes no sense, as Kelvin only visited once, for a few minutes, and most of the carpenters weren't paying attention.

Cut to Amber and BJ noticing that their partners didn't come home last night. Next, Eli, at the office even though he's retired and should be fishing, receives a scary video of Kelvin crying and Judy and Jesse screaming in rage.  The gay one has a "sensitive" reaction. Peter gives the ransom demand.  

Eli goes home and confronts May-May: "Your sons have fucked me over."  She denies that she has anything to do with the kidnapping.

Back at the chicken silo, the siblings complain about the heat and the food, and bicker.  Shouldn't they be praying?  They're religious, right?

Cut to BJ, Amber, Gideon, and Eli discussing the kidnapping with Sheriff Brenda. They were kidnapped in town, so it should be the Rogers Police. Notice that Keefe is not there.  Why didn't Eli call him?  Because his number has changed, because they have broken up, or because he is just a friend, not a partner?

The Freemans arrive.  Tiffany has made dolls of the siblings --very quickly -- "for you to hug and kiss until they come home safe."  She gives the Kelvin doll to Eli.  Same question: Why doesn't she save it for Keefe? Because  they have broken up, or because they were never partners to begin with?

Geography problem: How did they get to Eli's house so fast?  Don't they live in Florida?  

The trailer made it seem like the militia sent the dolls, adding a hint of the paranormal that turned out to be a misdirection.  Still, they look like Gullah Island voodoo dolls: "You can hug and kiss them until your loved ones come home safe.  And if they ever stray, you can make their privates fall off." 

More queerbaiting after the break

Michael Provost: Perennial heterosexual boyfriend with some nude pics and maybe a coming out video

Now I'm collecting Michaels.  

Remember the butts identified as "Michael Provost" in the Gavin Munn photo collection?  I did some research, and discovered that he is an actor born in 1998, in Atlanta or Bridgeport, Connecticut, depending on who you believe, known for Insatiable, The Holdovers, Lucifer, and Fear Street.  

Also he's apparently gay.  TikTok has a number of videos dedicated to "Michael Provost" coming out.  So let's check for gay roles or subtexts.

The Case for Christ (2017). Probably not.

Lucifer Episode 4.8 (2019).  Reformed Big Bad Amenadiel(D.B. Woodside) mentors Michael's Nate Mifflin, whose parents are divorcing. Nope.

Insatiable (2018-19): a girl who is bullied for being fat becomes thin and sets out to get revenge and win a beauty pageant Bob Armstrong(Brett Rice), her beauty pageant mentor, has a long, slow, painful coming-out. and begins dating long-term antagonist Bob Barnard  (Christopher Gorham).  

Michael plays Brick Armstrong, Bob's son, who is heterosexual: he has an affair with an older woman before settling down with the formerly-fat girl.  He does get several semi-nude and rear nudity scenes.

Saving Zoe (2019).  A girl named Echo and her boyfriend, Michael, investigate the murder of her older sister.  Nope.

Most Guys are Losers (2020). College boy Michael seeks the approval of his girlfriend's dad, who wrote a book, Most Guys are Losers.  Nope.

Plan B: When a girl's crush, Michael, leaves a party with another girl, she gets even by having sex with a loser, and has to track down a Plan B, post-coitus contraceptive, before she gets pregnant. There's a trans character, but I think Michael is straight.

Fear Street:Two sisters at a summer camp in 1978.  One has sex with Michael.  

It's not looking good so far.  I'll just check one more.

The Holdovers (2023). "Holdovers" are people who have to stay at a fancy prep school during the 1970  Christmas holiday: A cranky Classics teacher, a grieving cook, and some students, including jock Jason (Michael).  Two youtube guys with the bizarre name "the gay homosexuals" promise spoilers, but the first 10 minutes of their 30-minute review didn't reveal any gay subtexts. But Jason gets a girlfriend, quite a feat in an all-boy school.

More Michael after the break.  Warning: Explicit