Almost all movies in general, and 100% of action-adventure movies with male leads, feature a heterosexual romance. It's as if the car chases and ninja fights are just there to distract the teenage boys in the audience while they are being brainwashed with "girls are the meaning of life!" So when the trailer of
Accident Man: Hitman's Holiday showed not a single boy-girl kiss, I knew I had to investigate.
Scene 1: After what happened in London, hitman Mike needs a place to cool off, so he settles in Malta: "the sun always shines, the beer flows freely, and the Middle East, Europe, and North Africa are just a puddle-jump away." He didn't mention girls! He didn't mention girls! In 100% of these movies, they tell us that the third thing is "hot girls," but he didn't!
Scene 2: He returns to his palatial apartment, grabs a beer, and is attacked by a ninja lady. They fight for quite a long time, destroying his stuff. Finally he calls a time-out: "You're paid to smash me up, not the apartment." "Well, say the safe word sooner." If she is his girlfriend, I'm leaving. Sometimes they trick you by leaving the kisses out of the trailer, but sneaking in a hetero-romance anyway.
Mike explains: she's the best martial artist in the world. He saw her working as a waitress ia dive bar., beating up rowdy types, and offered her a job breaking in at random times to beat him up. No sex scene!
Scene 3: Mike muses that he deserves a beating after he what he did to his mates back in England. He deserves to be alone: "no one to let me down or get in my way."
That night, he runs into his friend Fred, who specializes in retrofitting household objects to kill, setting some toughs on fire. See, he's in love with a girl he met online. After he sent her 50 grand, she vanished. But one of his associates spotted her at a bar in Malta, so here he is.
Scene 4: Mike invites Fred back to his place to hide from the cops. He tries to explain about internet scams.
Scene 5: Mike goes to work on his next job: an old guy who never leaves his apartment. But he does go out onto his balcony to water his flowers, so.... a bouncing head, and Mike inviting Fred to stay on as his assistant: "there are a lot of people who need killing in this corner of the world."
Montage of the guys playing pool, sleeping in separate rooms, working on a job, and laughing, with the background song telling us: "It's a romance, it's a fine bromance/ It's a beautiful thing, it's a real cool thing/ Buddies won't let you down."
Mike: "For the first time in a long time, if you saw my face, you might actually think I was happy."
Scene 6: The next job involves Fred pretending to be a woman and offering the target a blow job, so he can get into position for the hit. Wait -- Mike kills him before Fred even gets his cock out of his pants! "Dang it, Mike, you cut up on a bit of fun!! He was a good kisser, though."
Maybe Mike will let you suck him, to make up for it.Scene 7: The guys move into a new headquarters, with space to experiment with new killing techniques.
Cut to Ninja Lady attacking. Fred complains that they would get more work done if Mike didn't have to get beat up after every job. "Couldn't you just crank one out?" Nope, masturbation doesn't alleviate the guilt. If killing people makes you feel guilty, maybe you chose the wrong carer path.
Ninja Lady offers to help Fred look for his missing girlfriend, and Mike gets all jealous. "It's a scam, I'm telling you. Forget about her."
Scene 8: Next job: Fred calls the target on the telephone, so he'll be in the right position for the ceiling to collapse, and the bath tub from the apartment above him to crush him. His m.o. is making the hits look like accidents!
Scene 9: Uh-oh, the guys are kidnapped by Armando. Mike insults him, and gets beat up. Armando: "We made you and your knickyknacky (boyfriend) very wealthy! Show some respect!" Then the big boss, Mrs. Zuuzer, The Wrath of Hades, introduces them to her son Dante: He was educated in the best schools, but he still turned into a "pathetic drug addled delinquent mess."
Last week someone tried to kill him, using Mike's m.o. of colorful, weird "accidents." The guys have an alibi: they were out celebrating Mike's birthday.
Ok, so she wants to Mike find whoever put the contract out, and kill them. Mike offers to take the job for three times the usual rate, but she has a better idea: if you fail, we'll kill your boyfriend.
Saving a boyfriend, not a girlfriend? I'm in.
More gay subtexts after the break
