RG Beefcake and Boyfriends: "Going Dutch": Military sitcom with an Old Soldier, a gay tease, and a muscular private (sigh). With bonus private's privates

In the last few days, I've started a dozen movies and tv shows that seemed promising -- guys gazing at each other on the icon, a trailer with buddy-bonding -- only to start them, and the focus character is kissing a woman by Minute 1. The constant gay teasing is getting annoying. Why tailor your project to attract viewers who are going to turn it off in 20 seconds?

I'm so frustrated that I'm going to review something at random, the first "new!" title that appears on Hulu, Going Dutch: "After an epically unfiltered rant, an arrogant, loudmouth U.S. Army Colonel is reassigned to the Netherlands, where he is punished with a command position at the least important army base in the world.

An army comedy? Yuck! But here goes, Episode 1.1:

Scene 1: USAG Baumholder Command Center. I don't know what USAG means. Google says a gymnastics association, but that can't be right.

Two army guys walk down the hall, the Old Guy (Dennis Leary, left) giving the Swishy Guy notes on how to introduce him: "Mention the Rangers, give America an erection." Google says that the Rangers are an ice hockey team.

Swishy Guy: "I'll mention your Medal of Honor and your tours of Iraq and Afghanistan, and end up with your daughters, so you'll come off as a family man, and everyone will love you."

Old one: "No, don't mention them. I don't want to be beloved. I need to be tough, this close to Russia!" Dude, you're in the Netherlands. Russia is five countries and 2500 km away.

Swishy one: "We shouldn't mention how eager you are to start World War III."

Scene 2: They meet with the Commander, General Davidson, who immediately asks about his daughters. "I hear you're a grandfather now." Sorry, dude, he wants a family man.

Old Guy doesn't know what he means. Oh, the baby? "That's not a human being yet, more of a blob." Maybe stick with starting World War III.

Uh-oh, Old Guy was told that he was going to be the Commander. Change of plans: he was caught on tape calling General Davidson a bleep, so he's in charge of USAG Stroopsdorf, a supply center: "The least important army base in the world."

Scene 3: They walk through the Stroopsdorf Base: a miniature golf course, an outdoor fitness center. Old Guy is outraged at a "fat hippie on a bike." Where's the discipline? He vows to turn "this dump" into a proper combat base.

Next, a tour of the fromagerie, the bowling alley, and the laundry, the three things Stroopsdorf is known for.

Plus a teen center with a sign "Reading is radical." There are no teens on the base, so civilians from town use it for pool and video games. Old Guy tries to eject "a small time gigolo" and a very muscular Private.

Left: Small Time Gigolo is played by Icelandic actor Arnmundur Ernst Björnsson

Scene 4: The Interim Commander, a blond woman, addresses the troops: they have new headphones to use on the treadmills in the gym. No one mentioned Old Guy's wife. She must be dead, so he and Interim Commander can start a "will they or won't they" romance.

Nope, she is his estranged daughter! The Commander didn't mention that little detail.

She cut off all contact with him two years ago, but he didn't notice, because he "was busy saving America." But working together will be an even worse punishment thatn being assigned to a "Dutch Club Med.

Scene 5: Swishy Guy flirts with Muscular Private as he plays foosball. Wouldn't you? Asked "What does your X/O mean?", he responds "I'm the Commander of Hugs and Kisses." Smooth move, dude. But he impresses Muscular by winning the foosball game, then rushes to the Commanders to note that everyone can hear them arguing.

Muscular Private is played by Dempsey Bryk, who has rather an androgynous presence, but plays a lot of muscular guys (top photo).

Swishy Guy is played by Danny Pudi, who is heterosexual, but played a gay-subtext character on Community. It's probably the same here: swishy as a gay tease, but soon to be outed as straight.

Interin Commander notes that they are marching in the Tulip Festival tomorrow, the first time they have been invited, so their presence is "crucial to diplomatic relations."

More after the break

Scene 6: To demonstrate that Schoopsdorf is actually a great facility, Maggie shows them the mess hall, the best in the U.S. military. Looks like a fine restaurant. Swishy Guy counters that they're out of shape by feeling the Fat Hippie's hand: soft and smells of lavender. Got a problem with lavender, Swishy Homophobe?

They dine; Swishy Guy says that "each bite is a Proustian delight." Proust, har har.

Old Guy calls the soldiers to attention an orders physical training in the courtyard: running through tires. Fat Hippie falls, but they have to keep trying until he gets it right.

Cut to the middle of the night. He's still trying. "It's my gout," he explains.

Maggie notes that they have other priorities, like the supplies they have to distribute. Where does the Supply Sergeant get them? "I don't ask, and she doesn't tell."

Old Giy: "Don't ask, don't tell? That didn't work the first time."

Scene 7: They visit the Supply Sergeant's office. Old Guy finds a secret door leading to a room full of paintings, sculptures, and fine wines. She explains that the military has billions of dollars to work with, way more than they use, so she fudges a bit with the requisitions and gets whatever she wants.

Old Guy likes her. I don't get it. I thought she was a stickler for the rules.

Scene 8: The Tulip Festival in downtown Schoopsdorf, with all of the signs in English. Old Guy flirts with the Chamber of Commerce lady: "I'm a Tulip Festival virgin...", until he discovers that she owns the local brothel. It's legal in the Netherlands. This gets him all flustered.

Jan, the "Gigolo" from before, is his translator. "You really like her," he notes, "But you're trying to hide it."

Old Guy announces the parade: first, some of the soldiers with wheels of cheese; then an interpretive dance about laundry; and giant bowling pins. He explodes with rage, insults Fat Hippie, tears down the bowling banner, and insults the Netherlands as "the country that ratted out Anne Frank." The crowd is super-offended.

Scene 9: At the pub, Old Guy apologizes to Maggie for destroying the parade that she's been working on for months, and uses the offensive term "midget." Over and over, when he sees that it bothers her. "I'm not at work, so you're not my commanding officer, so I don't have to talk to you."

He leaves, but calls to ask "If you hate me, why did you join the military?"

She wants to become a politician and eventually become President. You'd better start hanging out at the town brothel and making fun of disabled people.

They reconcile. The end.

Beefcake: None except for Muscular Private. Sigh.

Gay Characters: I'm sure that the Swishy Guy is just a tease. You might expect Maggie to be a lesbian, but in a future episode, her boyfriend drops by.

Heterosexism: Not much.

Plotlines: Only Old Guy-Daughter so far. Nothing else is immediately evident.

My Grade: D.

Left: I was running low on beefcake, so I included a solder in the shower.