Lately I've been nostalgic for one of those old-fashioned gay-subtext buddy couples, not interested in girls, invested only in each other, that we used to see everywhere: Jonny and Hadji, Terry and Raji, Alix and Enak, Ricky and Alfonso on Silver Spoons, Larry and Kennard in Darkover. I even bought a new book, The Town with the Butterfly Problem, because PJ and his best friend Grant are traveling through the fantasy world together, and no heterosexual romances are mentioned in the plot synopsis -- but in the very first paragraph, he's trying to impress a cute girl. Ugh! Right into the trash!
The live action version centers on the boy, Lincoln Loud (Wolfgang Schaeffer), having adventures with his best friend, Clyde McBride (Jahzir Bruno). No doubt a classic gay-subtext buddy couple!
So maybe Lincoln and Clyde will have more than a gay-subtext buddy-bond. Maybe they'll be boyfriends!
I'm reviewing episode 1.6, "School Dance," to see if the boys go together. Or if there are any same-sex couples dancing. Or both.
Scene 1: The kids are making decorations for the Big Dance at their middle school, the Kangaroo Hop, while journalist Liam (Gavin Maddox Bergman) films interviews with them.
Gavin Maddox Bergman played Oliver Twist in Spirited (2022), young Ben in Salem's Lot (2023), and Cal Starr in Americana (2024). I'm getting a gay vibe from him, but the character of Liam is heterosexual.
First interview: Rusty Spokes (Nolan Maddox) and his girlfriend Charlie (named after a boy to provide a gay tease for those of us reading episode synopses). They discuss how much they love each other. "My favorite color is your eyes..." Rusty exclaims. Holy sh*t, these people are twelve years old. Were they, like, born horny?
Nolan Maddox (Rusty Spokes) is now 18, but this is not his butt.
Strikingly femme Lincoln watches mournfully. Best buddy Clyde consoles him over Rusty dating Charlie. Wait -- you're into Charlie, femme boy? Did you not notice that she's a girl?.
When it's Lincoln's turn to be interviewed, he notes that he was going bring "just friend" Stella (figures you have a lot of girl "just friends"). But she's at a science fair, so it will be solo.
And Clyde will be going with dad's chiropracter's daughter.
Scene 2: Interview with Best Buddy Clyde's dads. They are concerned that their son has not yet found his First Love. He's in middle school, much later than most kids. They are so desperate for him to click with "that someone special" that they arrranged for Clyde's date with the chiropracter's daughter. So he hasn't expressed any heterosexual interest, yet the two gay guys never consider for a minute that he might be gay. That's awfully heteronormative of them.
Ray Ford (Dad Harold), seen here at his godson's graduation, doesn't mention kids of his own, but half of his Instagram photos show him cheek-to-cheek with various ladies, so I'm guessing straight in real life.
Stephen Guarino (Dad Howard) kisses a boy in Eastsiders, and makes out with a dude while naked in Bearcity, so I'm going to guess that he's gay in real life. Left: his butt.
Yes, I know that having two dads as a focus of the episode rather than just hanging around is a step forward. On Ducktales (2020), they just stood on stage, not speaking, for a moment at their daughter's award ceremony. But they're heteronormative bias is still annoying.
I'm skipping over a plot about baseball or something.
Scene 3: The Dads were looking forward to taking the pre-dance photos at their house, memorializing Clyde's move into his heterosexual destiny forever. I feel your pain, Clyde: my parents still have a photo of me and the girl I brought to the Harvest Dance about a year before I figured it out -- five boyfriends and a gay marriage later, it's still on the dresser in their bedroom!
Uh-oh, Best Buddy Clyde calls: the pre-dance photos will be taken at the Loud House, to take advantage of the appetizers provided by Femme Lincoln's dad. "No problem, have fun," the Dads say as their hearts are crushed.
Now they become irate: "The Louds have burglared our milestone -- the most important moment of our child's life." Most important moment? Really? Why are you so anxious for your son to be heterosexual? What's wrong with gay people, gay dudes?
More butts after the break
Scene 4: At the Loud House, Best Buddy Clyde is evaluating Mr. Loud's appetizers. A delicate taste pallette -- dude is gay.
Left: Mr. Loud is played by Brian Stepanek, who is straight in real life. This is not his butt.
Mr. Loud: "By the way, you told your dads that they're invited to the pre-dance photo session at our house, right?"
"Oh, of course." Scheming Clyde is trying to keep his parents away from the photo session!
Outside at the decoration-making session, Femme Lincoln tries to impress Girl of His Dreams Charlie by making a balloon animal. She is delighted. Girlfriend, you are so in there! She'll be dumping the macho stud for the femme boy any minute now.
Scene 5: When Femme Lincoln goes into the house, his sister tries to get him excited about baseball, but he doesn't care for sports. Gay-coded all over, aren't you, buddy? If only you weren't stuck with that hetero-horny plotline. But he gets interested when the commentator talks about team superstition: when your teammate is "on a roll," they can't make a big deal of it, or they'll jinx it.
Another sister comes in to make a big deal of his runaway success with Girl of His Dreams Charlie. Uh-oh, she jinxed it! He goes back out and tries to make more balloon animals to turn Charlie on, but screws up. Disgusted, she leaves, no doubt to complain to her friends: "Who cares about his looks and personality? All I want in a man is the ability to make balloon animals." By the way, aren't you in love with Rusty Spokes? How is he at balloon animals?
Scene 6: In his room, getting dressed for the dance in the most femme outfit he can find -- everything he owns is orange -- Femme Lincoln ruminates over the jinx. Then he stumbles and falls down the stairs! Instead of asking if he's ok, everyone is disgusted by this faux-pas.
Meanwhile, the Dads have the house under surveillance to see if Best Buddy Clyde is meeting his heterosexual destiny: "Is he talking to her? Does he like her?" Mr. Loud sees them and asks why they haven't come in: "Clyde invited you, right?"
"Sure, of course." Uh-oh, Clyde doesn't want them there. Big reveal coming up!
I guess not. They go in. Clyde is not at all upset to see them. They offer some hints on how to make the chiropracter's daughter fall in love with him (compliment her spinal cord?).
Scene 7: Trying to get Girl of His Dreams Charlie turned on again, Femme Lincoln pretends to be a boxing kangaroo (it's the Kangaroo Hop). But he accidentally bumps into the chiropracter's daughter, ruining her neck ("It's ok -- my dad can fix it."). Charlie is disgusted again.
The Dads ask about Femme Lincoln's date. He announces that he's going solo, which Charlie says is cool, but he second-guesses himself and changes to "I'm taking my sister to the dance!" And...you guessed it: Charlie stomps off in disgust. Lady is too judgmental. Pick someone easier.
Hey, we didn't see the dance!
Beefcake: None.
A lot of butts
Not even a gay-subtext buddy bond? Well, at least Alix and Enak are still available.
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