Snakes and Ladders: A teacher and her gay son squabble with a chocolate heir, the Spanish counsul, and a closeted hunk. With Roque and Nico dicks

 I've never played the game "Snakes and Ladders" but apparently you move your piece up by landing on ladders and down by landing on snakes.  It's the title of several tv series and movies, most recently the Mexican Serpientes y Escaleras on Netflix. The promo shows a femme guy with orange hair at a party, heading for the bathroom, encountering a conservative guy ("on the right"), and having a conversation with awesome sexual tension. Ok, so let's go, Episode 1.1.

Scene 1: Some kids playing in a school yard.  A boy with blue eyeglasses and a girl get into a tussle, while the playground monitor looks horrified and the narrator tells us that "ethics" means "moral character," following the norms of the society. 

Cut to the Playground Monitor, aka the Prefect  putting on her prim schoolmarm outfit and walking through her mansion to kiss her pink-haired son.  He promises to come to lunch later.  She writes "I Deserve to Be Headmistress" in her notebook (aha, a micro-authority position, like Vice Principal), drives past the Millenium Arches that identify her city as Guadalajara, and arrives at the Colegio Andes (a grade school), only to find her friend Roque (Alfredo Gatica) passing out fliers for her competitor.

The Prefect yells at him. He responds: "She asked.  What could I do?"

N*de photos of Alfredo after the break.

Scene 2: She is called to the Headmistress's office to meet the parents of the blue-eyeglassed boy: Dad is the super-handsome Vicente (Martino Rivas, top photo and left) aka His Excellency Don Vicente Garcia, the Spanish Counsul.  Uh-oh, super-powerful.

The girl's father is dorky-looking Mr. Muriel, aka the Chocolate King, the head of Mexico's biggest chocolate company. 

Mr. and Mrs. Counsul claim that the girl grabbed the boy's testicles, which constitutes sexual assault. 

Chocolate King: "No way!  She's six years old,  too young to know about such things!"

The Prefect was there, but couldn't see well enough to affirm or deny that it happened.

Headmistress adjourns the meeting until tomorrow, and then yells at the Prefect: "You will write a statement indicating that you saw exactly what happened, and it will be what the Counsul wants to hear!"

The kids are still friends, but the parents forbid them from seeing each other again. In other news: Mr. Muriel is the ex-lover of Vicente's wife, and thinks that she came back to rekindle their romance. "No, my husband got a job here.".  Maybe he was better looking in the old days.

Scene 3: The Prefect and her friend discuss whether to say that the daughter did it or not.  The Chocolate King is the most popular parent in the school, but the Spanish Counsul!

At home, her bigoted, abusive ex-husband is visiting. There's a problem with their pink-haired son, Antonio: he's been gambling, and owes a lot of people money -- the Mafia!  She doesn't believe him.  They argue about who is the worse parent.  Then Antonio comes in and asks to borrow a little money. They start yelling at him: "I've raised you under the framework of ethics and morality!"

Uh-oh, the Chocolate King arrives in his limo, so Prefect tells them both to go out smiling, as if they're the perfect family.

Scene 4: The Chocolate King wants the Prefect to say that his daughter didn't do it, so she's not stigmatized as a sex offender at age six. 

When the Prefect balks, he gives the back story: Once he was engaged to Mrs. Garcia.  Then he got another girl pregnant, so he had to marry her instead.  She went to Spain, married Counsul Garcia, and now she's back, trying to prove that her husband has a bigger cock.  

"Here's my card. Call me if you have any wish you want me to fulfill.  And believe me, I can fulfill them all."  Whew, this dude is creepy.

Scene 5: The Prefect consults a Tarot card reader, who says that she's not going to make Headmistress. "But a week ago, they said I would make it.  What happened?"  The cards say: "No matter who you decide on, the other parent will try to destroy you."

Pink-Haired Antonio comes in to ask if she's thought about lending him the money. The Prefect: "I'm tired of trying to make you a good person.  I'm done."

"But I'm in danger."

"Tough. I have my own problems."

Scene 6: The second meeting with the parents, where the Prefect has to tell "what really happened."  Her verdict: it was a minor scuffle.  If the girl did it, she had no malicious intent. So we won't do an expulsion, but we'll transfer the boy to another class.

The Counsul is irate: "This is going to reach the King's ears." He means King Felipe VI of Spain.  Are we going to start a war over a testicle-grab?

The parents storm out.  The Headmistress is irate. 

Outside, the Chocolate King wants to know why the Prefect decided the way she did. "It was the right thing to do."  He promises to help her win over the mothers in her quest to become Headmistress: "I'm popular with the mother. I'm handsome, rich, and widowed."  Handsome?  You're a gargoyle, dude.  He's having a party tonight with a lot of mothers.  Maybe she can come?

More after the break

Rob Gronkowski: Football legend eats pancakes, fellates a beer can, shows us his hands, dick, and butt

 

This guy is named The Gronk.  I have no idea what, if anything, he's famous for, but he's apparently gay....and breath-taking.   

Perfect face.  Perfect physique.

Time for some research:

He's a football player named Rob Gronkowski.

 6'6",  265-pounds, hands 10 inches

You got anything else that's 10 inches, buddy?

A tight end: he blocks the running back and protects the quarterback durng passes.  

And fields a lot of jokes about his butt.

His stats, in case you're interested:

9 seasons with the New England Patriots (2010-2018)

2 seasons with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2020-21)

4-time Superbowl champ

4-time First Team All-Pro Selection

On the NFL 100th Anniversary All Time Team, along with some football players that I've heard of: O. J. Simpson, Johnny Unitas, Jim Brown, Dick Butkus (but I always thought he was a joke).

Here Gronk trains with the exceptionally ab-worthy fitness Youtuber Jesse James West.

But Gronk an actor, too, with 23 credits listed on the IMDB, including episodes of Family Guy, Entourage, Deported, How I Met Your Father, Animal Control, and The Electric State, usually playing himself.

More after the break

Chad Mountain: Matthew McConaughey's longtime associate, with "Tropic Thunder," "The Righteous Gemstones," pecs, and cocks

 

In his autobiography, Green Light, Matthew McConaughey tells us that he's "tired of being talked about like that guy with a naked torso."  So here's his naked torso.

He thanks Chad Mountain "for listening."  A review refers to Chad Mountain as his "longtime associate," which sounds suspiciously like "longtime companion."  

So who is this Chad Mountain?   He grew up in Washington DC, and is first listed on the IMDB as "Marijuana Jesus" in the Gregg Araki movie Smiley Face (2007).  He has 15 acting credits, including The Righteous Gemstones,  four producing, and one writing: the comedy short Coming Out.  A gay guy comes out to his friends, who are delighted and try to pimp him out with extravagant gay stuff: "flamboyance, impatience, a need for impeccable service, brutal honesty about other people's weight," and so on.

Chad and Matt probably became friends when they appeared  together in Tropic Thunder (2008).  They have also worked together in  Surfer, Dude (2008),  Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (2009), comedy shorts, and a sitcom pilot

Chad's instagram page is full of hints that he is gay.   A fan responded to the top photo by asking for stories of "your ball hitting the water."

Left: Chad says "two living legends. I'm talking about the men, not my pecs, although those healthy B-cups are getting more notoriety every day." Is it a gay innuendo to refer to your pecs as if they are women's breasts?

Here Chad visits Matt on his 50th birthday in 2019: fans asked where his hand is and why he cropped the photo "just above the bongos." 

I doubt that they are really doing sexy stuff-- Matt is married, after all.  

More after the break

Alexander Polinsky: Adam on "Charles in Charge" grows up, models props, goes Furthur. With Andrew Keegan, Julian Sands, and some d*cks

 I get a lot of page views with profiles of former child stars and teen idols who have gone on to a hunk adulthood, so naturally I was drawn to Charles in Charge (1984-1990), with Scott Baio as a college student working as a live-in nanny in...um...a household full of teenage girls far too old for a nanny.

There were boys around, too, but Jonathan Ward and Michael Pearlman from the 1984-85 version can't be found.  That leaves Alexander Polinsky, who appeared as Adam Powell in 104 episodes in the second version (1986-90).  

The show was focused on Charles, his buddy Buddy (Willie Aames), and the two teenage girls, so Adam didn't get a lot of centrics: he is harassed by a bully, gets a crush on a girl, takes a babysitting job.  I recall one episode where Adam has to explain that he doesn't like playing football.  He starts off with a list of the sports he does like, lest Charles get the idea that he is a sissy/ gay.

Left: Alex with fellow 1990s teen stars Stephen Dorff and Brian Austin Green

After Charles, the 14-year old had guest spots on Billy (about a Scottish comedian), The New Lassie (about a dog), and Joe's Life (about a stay-at home Dad), and starred in Pumpkin II: Blood Wings (1994): teenagers accidentally unleash an ancient demon, who kills them all except the Final Girl.

In Perfect Fit (2000), Dick (Alex) "turns to murder" to satisfy his girlfriend, a blue jean fetishist. 

Former Colt model and soap stud Nick Benedict appears as Thomas, one of the jeans donors.

Since the 2000s, Alex has been involved mostly in his prop modeling and voiceover animation: 

Control Freak in Teen Titans

Garrett in Alpha Teens on Machines

Chameleon Boy in Legion of Superheroes.

Jimmy Olsen in Batman: The Brave and the Bold

Unicorns 1 and 2 in Breadwinners

Several characters in Monster High: the Series

He returned to live action for the the anthology movie Locker 13 (2014).  In Segment 3, Alex plays a mental patient considers jumping off a building, until the fast-talking Jason Marsden tells him about a Suicide Club, where members bet on when and how people will off themselves.

Ricky Schroder appeared in another segment as a down-and-out boxer who finds sinister gloves that let him win every match -- for a price.

Roger Ebert.com tells us: "Rarely do I find a movie that is so appalling if not outright insulting to all of humanity (and particularly, in this case, womankind) that it gives me a stomach ache, but Locker 13 really put me off my Cobb Salad."

Still, Alex highlights his segment in his acting demo reel.

Alex has one writing/producer credit: Going Furthur (2016), 1966-67, Ken Kesey and his Merry Pranksters took a psychedelic bus called Furthur up and down the West Coast, offering Acid Tests to introduce the youth counterculture to LSD. 

50 years later, Ken's son Zane and new Merry Pranksters repeat the trip (without the LSD), visiting "music festivals, community events, tribal festivals, and national landmarks."

This one sounds interesting.

More after the break