"That 90s Show" Episode 2.4: We meet Ozzie's boyfriend, sort of. Plus nude photos of 90s teen idol Brian Austin Green

16 years after we said goodbye to the kids smoking pot in the Forman basement on That 70s Show, their own kids have returned in That 90s Show.  The premise: Eric and Donna's daughter Leia spends the summer with her grandparents, and has humorous misadventures with Michael and Jackie's son (Mace Coronel) and some other teens.  Except now it's a more diverse crew: Ozzie, played by Reyn Doi, is Asian and gay.  

The grandparents are still around, the original gang pops in from time to time, and there are guest spots from a lot of iconic teen hunks from the  1990s , such as Seth Green, left, Kevin Smith, Kadeem Hardison, and Brian Austin Green -- bonus dick and butt pics below.

I reviewed Episode 2.4, where we meet Ozzie's Canadian boyfriend, Etienne. Sort of.

Scene 1: In the iconic basement, Ozzie is excited that Etienne is coming to visit.  The Hunk, Mace Coronel, sits with his arm around his girlfriend.  The Dumb One, Maxwell Acee Donovan, has broken up with his girlfriend.  A lot of heterosexual coupling going on.  

The guys offer to give Ozzie a ride to the airport in their van, but Ozzie asked Mrs. Foreman to do it: he doesn't want Etienne to get off the plane and hate America.  What about his parents?  Oh, regular cast only.

Gwen enters and introduces them to her new "not my boyfriend," Cole, played by Niles Fitch. 

Ozzie tells him that he ranks guys on looks, popularity, communiy service, and butt.  He's #1.  Cole: "I know.  I got your letter."  At least this isn't a neutered gay guy.

Everyone razzes Gwen: "Not your boyfriend, right!  No way you're not dating!" 

Scene 2: Red, the father from That 70s Show, is reading the newspaper and drinking coffee.  He asks, "Can you top me off, Honey?"  

"Sure, Babe," but it's not his wife Kitty, it's Ozzie, har har.  He wants to know where Kitty is: she agreed to drive him to the airport, and they have to leave soon. 

Next door neighbor Bob ( Don Stark),  also Leia's other grandfather, wants to show Red his rattlesnake eggs.  "No one will fall for that prank," Red complains.  But Kitty falls for it, and she's so surprised that she topples over the couch!

Scene 3: Kitty has sprained her ankle.  She told the neighborhood ladies about her injury, maybe exaggerating a little, or a lot -- "I may have said I had a collapsed lung" -- so they are bringing over casseroles.  

Neighbor Bob advises against lying about the severity of her injury: once you reach a certain age, the number of available men goes into sharp decline, so if they think that Kitty is dying, they'll latch onto her husband...

Scene 4: Gwen, the one who's not-dating the new guy Cole, yells at the other girl -- about that "boyfriend" stuff.  "Now he wants to have a talk about us! He wants to be my boyfriend!"  

The other girl doesn't understand what's wrong with that.  Isn't it the goal of life? 

"I....um...have never been in a relationship before.  I'm nervous."   

"Just hold his hand and leave your heart open." Ugh.

Scene 5: Since Grandma Kitty can't drive, Ozzie has to allow the guys to drive him to the airport in their van. They agree to "no hot-boxing, no Dutch Ovens, no mooning, and no Jay Leno impressions."

Scene 6:  One of the girls reports back to Kitty about the ladies flirting with Red: Pam is cooking him chicken.  Kitty imagines her as singer Carmen Electra hanging all over him and cooking seductively: "Do you want to shake or bake?"  She forces the girl to piggy-back her downstairs and yells "Get away from him, you slut!", but it turns out to be an elderly lady.

Scene 7: At the airport, Ozzie is nervous. The passengers from Quebec arrive. The Dumb One: "I never realized how much Canadians look like us."  But boyfriend Etienne isn't there!

Meanwhile, Gwen tells Leia that she broke up with "not my boyfriend" Cole. 

"But he could be the love of your life. My parents met in high school."  Eric and Donna?  Aren't they divorced?

Suddenly Cole appears. They have a heart-to-heart: "I'm scared," yada yada yada.  Why does the straight couple get a happy ending, while the gay guy gets left at the airport door?   

More after the break

Johnnie Gordon: Wicked Lips, Black Mafia, Terror Lake, and Chick Fil A. With bonus nude dudes

I'm a little leery about profiling Johnnie Gordon. 

First, he only turned 18 in 2023.  

Second, according to his Instagram, God is guiding Johnnie through careers as an actor, model, clothing entrepreneur, and college student.  He has been blessed by God with 15 acting credits on the IMDB, including starring roles in two tv programs. 

Telling your fans what God is doing for you may not necessarily mean that you eat at Chick-Fil-A and say "Amen!" when the pastor preaches against homa-seksuls, but there's a strong correlation.  So Johnnie might object to being profiled on a gay-themed site.

But 70% of the guys I profile are straight.

And this is Johnnie's prom photo, so maybe he won't mind.

Johnnie's on-screen career began in 2013, with faith-based productions like A Christmas Blessing,  The Good Book, and The Tree Widow.

In 2018, he started working on secular programs, with guest spots on Atlanta and Champaign Ill, and a thriller, Deadly Dispatch

He appeared in "Wicked Lips," Episode 1.4 of The Righteous Gemstones, as Sebastian, the teen at the trampoline party who tells Kelvin and Keefe that Dot Nancy went to Club Sinister with her boyfriend.  His younger brother Jaylon dropped by for a photo.

In 2019 Johnnie played "Library Kid" in Doctor Sleep, starring Ewan McGregor.

More Johnnie after the break

"Fit Hot Guys Have Problems, Too"

I know what people think when they see me:

That I'm so hot, it's insane

When I exit a pool, I do it in slow motion.

But that doesn't mean I can't complain.

Don't look at me, I'm not flexing for you.

I have almost no body fat,

But I'm too bummed to talk about that.

I know I look much better than you,

But fit hot guys have problems too.

Everyone is at my sexual mercy,

Be they a mister or a miss.

But when they're on their knees,

I get no sympathy

More after the break

Because they can only see this.

My pecs are perfect, but I have bad days.

So don't objectify me with your male or female gaze.

I had childhood traumas, just like you.

'Cause fit hot guys have problems too.

--"Fit Hot Guys," from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

See also: Double Vision, with nude photos of Gideon and Keefe

Six degrees of Kevin Bacon's bacon. With Billy Crudup, Mickey Rourke, and others

I was trying to combine the "six degrees of Kevin Bacon" game, where any actor in any random movie is six movies or less away from Kevin, plus a double-entendre on "bacon" meaning "penis."  

It didn't work, so I'll just post six penises, some of Kevin Bacon, some of his costars.

Born in 1958, Kevin graduated from high school at age 15, attended Bucknell University, and hit the New York theater scene in 1975.  He was in some plays and some New York-based soap operas, and he played one of the fratboy pledges in Animal House, 1978.  You know you saw it, and didn't notice anything problematic.  It was the 70s.

He bulged in the teen slasher Friday the 13th, 1980, but I just saw it recently, and didn't notice.  A few more plays, including Forty Deuce, which won him an Obie, and he was ready for fame in the angst vehicle Diner, 1982, with Steve Guttenberg, Mickey Roarke, and Daniel Stern.

Penis #1: Actually Mickey Rourke's.

Footloose, 1984, is an icon of the 1980s generation, where televangelists like Jerry Falwell were calling down God's wrath on America for such sins as teen pregnancy, the Equal Rights Amendment, and homa-sekshuls: a conservative preacher has banned dancing in his small town, I didn't see it, but there's a buddy-bonding gay subtext between Ren and Willard (Kevin, Chris Penn) in the play.

White Water Summer, 1987: Kevin plays a sadistic wilderness guide who almost sends Sean Astin to his death.  But there aren't any girls in it, at least.

Kevin shows his butt in He Said, She Said, 1991, a romance with the gimmick of showing every scene twice, from his and her point of view.

Another butt in Pyrates, 1991, which is not about pirates.  The hetero couple literally starts fire when they are burning with passion.

That reminds me of an old joke, either from Talulah Bankhead or Elvira, Mistress of the Dark: 

Guy: "Do you smoke after sex?"

Talulah/Elvira: "Darling, I don't know.  I never looked."

A Few Good Men, 1992, sounds like it is about soldiers fighting and dying, but actually it's a courtroom drama, with Tom Cruise defending two soldiers accused of murder. Kevin stars as the Captain.

Penis #2: James Marshall, playing one of the accused soldiers.

More after the break.  I swear, we'll see Kevin's bacon