Kelvin and Keefe have sex, so why can't they kiss?

  

I admit, I'm obsessed with the relationship between Kelvin and Keefe on The Righteous Gemstones, about a family of rich, famous, glitzy televangelists (Season 2 ended in February 2022, but I just signed up for HBO Max, so I just watched.  Season 3 will drop this summer.)

Kelvin (Adam DeVine) is the youngest son, a muscle enthusiast, generally responsible for the youth ministry at the anchor church.  Keefe (Tony Cavalero) is his sweet , slightly-muddled mansion-mate, a former Satanist whom Kelvin saved.  I read reddits and reviews and interviews, watch youtube clips, re-watch episodes, accumulating evidence that they are gay and romantic partners:

Season 1:

1. Neither express any heterosexual interest, nor does anyone ever suggest that they should.  If an event calls for a date, Kelvin always brings Keefe.  

Keefe states that he "never dated (girls) much, saw no need to," and that "Baywatch didn't affect me."  At the Satanist Club, he recoils in literal disgust at the sight of a naked lady (you can see him saying "Ewwww"), but naked men are fine.

2. Keefe used to dance naked in a cage at the Satanist Club.

3. They break up after an argument, and Keefe returns to the Satanist Club.  He is heartily greeted and hugged, but only by men.

4. Kelvin is distraught.  One of the teens surmises that he is upset about his "boyfriend," and helpfully uses social media to find out where Keefe is.  Kelvin stutters: "No...um...we're not gay...we're just two guys who like to hang out...and stuff."  Maybe he didn't want to come out to a teenager? 

5. But he rushes to save Keefe from the Satanists, and finds him in a sensory deprivation tank (with a probably prosthetic arousal).  He jumps in, pulls out the wires, and hugs and holds Keefe, crying, kissing his forehead.  Keefe: "Hold me."  Kelvin: "Hush!  I'm here now."  

Season 2:

6. After an assassination attempt, the family gathers in a safe house.  Kelvin and Keefe are shown running toward the house, holding hands.

7. While Kelvin completes a cross-raising challenge, Keefe is kneeling in prayer.  Kelvin offers him a hand to raise him to his feet, and they hug and press foreheads together.  I am particularly interested in the moment where Keefe changes position to hug Kelvin more tightly.  They should be kissing, but they aren't.

8. The Patriarch Eli (John Goodman)  is shot.  After his recuperation, he thanks "Kelvin and Queef" for administering his physical therapy.  This has proven to him that they are not just goofballs, but assets to the family.  Thus recognizing Keefe as Kelvin's partner?

9. Kelvin has his hands broken, so Keefe has to help him dress.  He stares at Kelvin's naked body, then kneels directly in front of him, in blow-job position. 

Kelvin groans, grimaces, throws back his head, then relaxes and caresses Keefe's hair. Keefe says "Nice!".   Did they just have sex?  There is no other logical reason for Kelvin's reaction, or for Keefe's "Nice!"  Still, the scene lasts for only a second or two, so either there was a time lapse, or Kelvin really, really enjoys putting on his underwear.

As he finishes dressing Kelvin, Keefe nose-boops him (playfully pokes his nose).  According to internet research, a nose-boop is a "substitute for a kiss."

Keefe then hugs him from behind to put on his belt.  Wouldn't it be easier from the front?  But I guess Keefe has already done things with that side.

10. They talk with their faces inches apart.  No one talks that way, not even lovers, unless they are planning to kiss.

11. In the first season, Keefe asked to join the family for their traditional Sunday dinner.  Kelvin said "No, it's just for family."  Now he joins them.  No one questions this.  

The other couples hold hands in slow motion on their way to the dinner; Kelvin holds out his hand, and Keefe cups it.   Keefe looks embarrassed, as if he's not sure how the family will react; Kelvin looks defiant, daring someone to make an issue of it.

12. Patriarch Eli announces a "just for family" vacation at the opening of a new Christian-themed resort.  Apprised that Joe Jonas, the former Disney boy band star, will be there, Kelvin gets excited, nudges Keefe, and exclaims "We're going!"  No one questions that "just for family" now includes Keefe.

13. In church, the three Gemstones are performing "My love for you will never die," and Kelvin points directly at Keefe.  As Keefe sings, he points directly at Kelvin.  No one else uses this gesture.

14. Anytime the family is together with their partners, the camera pans to the eldest son with his wife, the daughter with her husband, and then Kelvin and Keefe.

15. Kelvin hires a "God Squad" of musclemen, who don't seem to do anything at the church.  They spend their time lounging around shirtless on the compound, lifting weights and flexing.  Which is, apparently, what Kelvin wants them to do.

16. On his instagram, Tony Cavalero posts fan art about the two being a couple, and states that he's played John Goodman's son-in-law twice (actually he's dating Dan's granddaughter on The Connors).  And this: "Hold on tight to the one you love the most for the Premiere of The Righteous Gemstones"

So the actors are portraying Kelvin and Keefe as a romantic couple.  Everyone on the show, without exception, assumes that they are a couple.  They hold hands.  They nose-boop.  They have oral sex.  Why not just let them kiss?

Three possibilities:

1. Satire.  Evangelical Christians go to great lengths to sublimate or deny their same-sex interests, so maybe Kelvin and Keefe just aren't ready to admit that they are in love, in spite of their obvious, even over-the-top displays of affection.  This seems unlikely, since several family members have indicated that they are fine with gay people, and everyone already treats them as a couple.  I'm sure that an official coming out would be unnecessary.  "Keefe and I are boyfriends."  "No shit, Sherlock, I've known that ever since he moved in to your mansion."

2. Queer Baiting.  TV Shows often portray two guys as boyfriends in everything but the kissing, so they can back down at the last minute and say "Fooled you!  They're really straight."  This seems unlikely, since the hints go beyond mere hinting to basically shouting.  Their entire story arc is about their romance. If you watched a Season 2 episode without seeing Season 1, you'd assume that they had already been identified as a gay couple..

3. Deniability.  Although The Righteous Gemstones is a satire of evangelical Christian culture, it is immersed in that culture, and so draws a lot of evangelical viewers who believe that God hates gay people.  No kissing means that they can keep telling themselves "Kelvin and Keefe can't be gay.  They are Christians."

"Scream Queens" Episode 2.2: Glen Powell and John Stamos compare dicks at a sinister hospital. Also, there's a serial killer. And some butts.

 I was recommended Glen Powell's shower scene in Episode 2.2 of the horror-comedy Scream Queens.  I watched ten minutes of the first episode when it premiered in 2015, and turned it off, but for a shower-scnee, why not give it another chance?

The premise: this is a genre-bending horror-comedy about a serial killer stalking co-eds, all named Chanel, with the headmistress played by Jaime Lee Curtis, the Last Girl from Halloween.  

Scene 1: In the last episode, a swamp monster played by Jeremy Batiste killed a patient at the C.U.R.E. Institute, where "the incurable are curable." Wait, I thought we were at a college. The cop is not impressed, and thinks that Outcast Chanel did it. Evil Dean Munsch, played by Jaime Lee Curtis, thinks that the cop  is an idiot.

The other two Chanels also think that Outcast Chanel did it, out of frustration because she's so ugly no one will screw her: "The closest shes gotten to sex is when a bookshelf fell on her."  Why, did it have a book about sex? I don't get the joke.   And jealous because they scored hot dates with the Sleazoid Doctors, Brock and Cascade(Taylor Lautner, John Stamos, left).

Scene 2: The Sleazoid Doctors and Chanels are interviewing Tyler, played by Colton Haynes, who is covered with large orange tumors. Actually not disgusting.  So the Chanels have graduated with nursing degrees, and all gone to work at the Institute, and the headmistress became their boss?  That's not at all unlikely.   

His  regular doctors say that it is incurable, but the Sleazoid Doctors think that they can remove the tumors with a CO2 Laser.  Except they're are too expensive; there aren't any at the center. So just transfer him to a facility that has one.

Scene 3: A non-Chanel nurse and Chamberlain, played by James Earl, wonder why, if Evil Dr. Munsch was upstairs during the murders, she didn't hear the screams and growling?  She must be in on it.

Last season, she was in charge of a college, and plotted some crazy stuff, but the Chanels foiled her plan.  Dr. Munsch must have brought them here for revenge, sending the swamp monster  to pick them off one by one. So, what are her qualifications?  All she has is the honorary Ph.D. that the University of Pittxburgh took from Bill Cosby.

Scene 4:  Sleazoid Doctor #1 on his movie date with the Head Chanel. She reveals her favorite hobby: dropping popcorn on the floor, so the fatties feel bad about themselves.  He loves the idea!  

Meanwhile, Orange Boy and Outcast Chanel bond over stories of being the outcast in their cliques. He shows her a picture from before the orange tumors: he was hot!  She vows to get him the money for the CO2 Laser. 

More screaming after the break

Workaholics Episode 3.7: Bodybuilders for the Lord turn out to be gay, so the guys try to help. With Kali cock

Adam Devine said on his podcast that Workaholics Episode 3.7 inspired Danny McBride to offer him the role of Kelvin on The Righteous Gemstones.   I'm not so sure: this episode aired in 2012, long before the Gemstones,     Unlikely, since it aired in 2012, long before The Righteous Gemstones was ever conceived of.  But there are certainly parallels between the Gaylord's Force and Kelvin's God Squad.

Scene 1: The guys are hiding in a supply closet at work, watching The Lord's Force, bodybuilders who perform strength stunts.  "How did these buffed dudes escape my radar?" Blake wonders. Their interest in hot guys has never been more obvious.  

The Lord's Force is performing in town tomorrow. Adam wants to watch the show, then try out.  Der protests that the show is religious, and Adam doesn't believe in anything. 

"I'm very religious!  Father, Son, whatever.  Noah's ark, two animals having sex."

Scene 2: The show is sold out. They try to get in by claiming to be bad people who need salvation:  Doesn't work. Darn, I wanted to see the actual show.

Scene 3: They wait outside until two members of the Lord's Force, Ram and Samson (Adam Dunnells, Scott Connors), come out.  Adam begs them to go out for a beer with him.  Wait -- Evangelicals don't drink. 

Scene 4: At the bar, drinking shots. Ram and Samson go out to smoke. The guys don't smoke, but decide that it would be cool, so they rush out to find Ram and Samson.. .kissing?  They are shocked.

Of course, bodybuilders can't be gay, so the guys figure that they're just good buddies, checking o each other's breath, so they are ready to "kiss hot chicks"?  Strangely, I heard that on fan boards after the Kelvin-Keefe kiss. 

Their manager, Rev. Troy, pulls up.  This is a homophobic squad -- the guys are busted!  They claim that they are playing "gay chicken," where straight guys try to out-gay each other. Der demonstrates by moving in for a kiss with Adam, who backs away. "You lost!"

Rev. Troy asks God what to do about "the gay thing."  God says "Fire them." But they'll be stranded in a strange town in the middle of a tour. 

Scene 5: The guys are letting Ram and Samson stay with them.  They offer a "proposition." Misunderstanding, thinking that they want sex, Samson insists that they are not gay.  "No, of course you're not gay, Dudes with giant muscles are never gay." 

"Maybe I am gay," Ram says.  "I'm just really confused right now." Is he really "questioning," or pretending so he can stay in the closet.

Easy way to find out if you're gay: kiss.  If you don't feel anything, you're not gay.  Ram and Samson start kissing, and end up pawing all over each other. The guys are shocked, but double-down. "Ok, you've proven that you're not gay.  You can stop kissing now."

On to the proposition: let's start a Lord's Force. Samson and Ram aren't sure.

Scene 6: A montage of the guys going about their daily activities, running into Ram and Samson getting it on, and being embarrassed.  No one can sleep because of the bed-squeaking and moaning ("You're injuring yourselves working out").

 Adam catches them showerng together ("to conserve water"), and notes that they have monster dicks: "Chicks must love sucking those." 

Scene 7:   Finally catching on, probably because Ram and Samson are having sex right in front of them, the guys propose the Gaylord's Force, with a bicep-and-penis logo and and the motto: "If you can take the pain of a man's unit pressing into your butt, you've got the strength to do anything."  This is homophobic: not all gay men are anal bottoms, and those who are don't see it as an ordeal, but as an enjoyable sexual act. Plus "Gaylord" is often useds as a slur.  But the guys seem to believe that they are helping.

Der has had enough: "I don't mind the sucking and screwing, but are you going to be part of this show are not?"  That's not what I expected him to say.  Ok, they agree.

Scene 8: The guys are setting up a "gay stage" for the show, when Rev Troy pulls up in his van. He wants Samson and Ram back.  He'll offer up to $38,000 per year. A terrible salary!

They decide to go back.  They explain that they're not gay anymore: it was just a phase. They're actually just hypocrites, willing to stay in the closet to promote their career.  But the guys are welcome to come to their show tonight.

Scene 9: Rev. Troy begins the show: "We are the Lord's Force, and we are going to murder the devil." David (Kali Muscle) breaks a baseball bat in half. The Wolf breaks concrete blocks. Samson and Ram try to lift a 1,000 pound cross over their heads, but struggle.  Notice the parallel with the much-bigger cross in Kelvin's God Squad.

"I should never have asked you back, you pillow-biters!" Rev. Troy sneers.

Adam comes to the rescue, suggesting that they use "the Gaylord's Force."  They are able to lift the cross. Then they kiss!  Everyone in the congregation is shocked and storms out, but the guys rush onto the stage to congratulate them.  

Scene 10: At the house, some gay guys are waiting for the Gaylords Force show.  But Ram and Samson aren't coming: they're moving to Vermont to start a new life.Vermont legalized same-sex marriage in 2009.  The guys have to perform themselves.  

Adam notes that he's had sex with over five women, but he can still channel Gay Strength.  He pretends to break some pre-broken bricks and beans himself with a board, but then tears a real phone book in half.  The crowd applauds.  "I will sign your dicks!" he exclaims. The end.

Beefcake: Adam is constantly on display, plus some chest and pixilated dick shots of the muscle men.

Heterosexism: Excellent depiction of heteronormativity: "whatever Ram and Samson do must be what straight guys do, because gay people do not exist."

Homophobia: Again, the guys are gay allies, but the depiction of Ram and Samson is problematic.  Gay men are hypersexual, doing it constantly, and utterly unreliable,  selling out their friends twice.

My Grade: B

Bonus:  Cock shot of Kali Muscle, bodybuilder, actor, and best-selling author.

See also: Gemstones Episode 2.6: Torsten gets it up, Keefe holds Kelvin's dick, and Sky is skyclad

Join Kelvin's God Squad: Recruitment video gives us the dirt on the God Squad

The top photo, of Adam groping Ders, is an outtake from Workaholics 1.9: Adam kisses a cougar, gets frisky with Ders, and raps as a bodybuilding fairy wizard

"Am I Being Unreasonable": Disagreeable British lady fights grief, gets a girlfriend, has a dark secret. With bonus husband dick

 

The first thing that popped up on my Hulu recommendations this morning was Am I Being Unreasonable (2022): 

Unfulfilled in her marriage, Nic is grieving a loss that she can’t share with anyone.  But when Jen arrives in town, Nic's life is lit up with laughter and through this kindred soul her dark secret starts to surface.  

It does not sound like my cup of tea at all, but, maybe there's a lesbian subtext, and  Sam Bottomley, who I've met, is in the cast, so let's go.

Scene 1: Nic, a middle aged lady, is waiting for a train outside at night, when her husband Alex( David Flynn) calls her over.  He wrote "Merry Xmas" in the snow with his pee.  Hey, there's a pound on the tracks. Alex wants to climb down and get it, but the train is coming!  He'll kill himself!

Nope.  They get on the train -- well, Nic on the train, Alex on the "mind the gap," They discuss how much they love each other, and kiss.  Uh-oh, when the doors close, his coat is stuck!  No time to pull it off -- he's dragged to...Moral: Boys should only kiss boys.

Scene 2:  Nic watching tv with her son Ollie ( played by Lenny Rush, who has SED, a congenital disorder that results in dwarfism and bone problems).  They're discussing which soap opera character is a tramp, but it's time for school, so Ollie, the responsible one, jumps on his scooter.  The Snooty Neighbor is driving her kid to school, but doesn't offer them a lift: Nic fumes all the way down the lane, while Ollie advises her to let it go. Nice location shots of a quaint British village.

Scene 3: Back home, Nic is playing on her cell phone, when her friend comes in, hysterical because she hit a pheasant in her car. She describes the experience in gruesome detail.  

Scene 4:  Nic watches a soap opera on her phone in the cemetery, flashes back to her husband's death, and screams.  Later, Dan (Dustin Demri-Burns) comes in, says "I'm sorry I'm late," which I dislike: everyone who comes on stage in every tv show always says "Sorry I'm late."  

He hugs Ollie.  His son?  So this is Nic's second husband?  His pants have a wet stain in the front, so while he changes, they discuss their missing cat and a "fat fuck" who isn't using the internet properly.  

We cut to Nic having sex with her first husband, Alex -- no beefcake.  Wait -- he's not a husband, he's a side piece!  So Nic can't tell anyone about her grief over his death.  That happens a lot with LGBT people; you're not out to your family, so when your partner dies, or is sick, or breaks up with you, you can't say a word. 

Cut to Nic glaring at her husband while he sleeps.  She asks on an advice site if anyone else has a husband who "gives her the ick so much that her fanny dries up." Does "fanny" mean something different in Britain?

Scene 5: At some sort of carnival at Ollie's school.  Nic is running a game called Splat the Rat.  She meets one of the other mothers, Jen.  They bond over complaining about people, gaze into each other's eyes, laugh. Lesbian romance?

Ollie's friend doesn't want to play Splat the Rat because he might miss; he just wants the maoam, fruit-flavored candy.  Jen argues that it would be against the rules, but Nic gives him the maoam anyway, just to get rid of him so she and Jen can flirt some more.

Jen produces some booze.  Nic: "I could kiss you!"  Jen: "Don't do that, just make it weird."  If you're not into a lesbian romance, why are you flirting so aggressively?

Scene 6:  Nic introduces Jen to Mr. Graham, the gym teacher: "He's a bit of me," which I think means "He's hot."  She shows him how to Splat the Rat by holding him from behind, but Snooty Neighbor gets jealous and breaks them up.  She announces that they're going give Ollie 20% of the proceeds from the carnival, because he's...um....you know...that way.  This angers Nic, and embarrasses Jen and Mr. Graham. 

Scene 7: Nic and Ollie return home to a drinking-in-the-dark, crying Husband. We are not told why.

Husband frontal after the break