Tuesday, November 7, 2023

The boy on the Prospect List

 


When I was growing up in Rock Island,  anyone who set foot inside the Nazarene Church for any reason, but didn't "get saved" and become a member, was placed on the Prospect List.

Even if they just came for Vacation Bible School, or to cheer for a friend at a Jump Quiz Tournament.

They stayed on that list forever, unless they asked to be removed or the Church Board decided to purge the list of names from many years ago.

(All models are over 18)

Every August, about a month before the fall revival, our Sunday school teacher gave each of us the contact information for 10 age- and -gender appropriate Prospects.  We were supposed to make it our business to "win them for the Lord," or at least invite them to church.

During the next month, we received 1 point for each Prospect that we prayed for, 2 points for each letter or post card, 5 points for each telephone call, and 10 points for each in-person visit, plus an extra 10 point if they actually came to church.

You might think that the Prospects would be buried in letters or harassed by constantly-ringing telephones, but in fact most people settled for prayer. It's a daunting prospect to cold-call someone you don't know, who has been to your church just once.

During the fall revival, the kid, teenager, and adult with the most points received awards, usually Bibles, while the whole congregation clapped and yelled "Amen!"


During the summer after 5th grade, the first year I was eligible, I wimped out with "prayer only."

In 6th grade,  I sent a few post cards.

In 7th grade, I tried phone calls, only to get two "wrong numbers" (which didn't count) and one "You made a mistake -- I never went to that church."

During the summer after 8th grade, I decided to go all the way with a personal visit.

I was fascinated by a name that appeared on the Prospect List every year: Francis DePew, who came to Vacation Bible School one summer, but never appeared again. He was in the same grade as me, and he lived on the Hill, but he didn't go to Washington Junior High.

That meant he went to Jordan Catholic School!

The Preacher told us all about Catholics!  When they weren't worshipping idols and being brainwashed by evil priests, they were laughing in the face of God, drinking, smoking, dancing, playing cards, going to movies.  But their favorite form of sin was the sex orgy, men cavorting with other men's wives, teenagers having sex without being married, all manner of abominations, as in the days before the Flood!

All manner of abominations?  I had to meet this Francis DePew!  Maybe I could get him to the altar, where he would cry and apologize to God, and I could wrap my arm around his waist and hug him.

Besides, Catholics were as difficult to win for Christ as Muslims!  He would be good practice for when Dan and I became missionaries to Saudi Arabia.

During the August before 9th grade, Dan and I rode our bikes past Francis DePew's house nearly every day.

He lived a few blocks from the church, nearly across the street from the Saukie Golf Course that the Preacher was always complaining about.

A nice house, big but nothing special.  I got  a little frisson of dread imagining the Satanic orgies going on inside every night.

Then one Saturday afternoon, we hit the jackpot: a cute, muscular teenage boy, washing a car, with his shirt off!

We stopped. "Hey, cool car," I said.

"Thanks.  It's my brother's. He pays me a dollar to wash it, and when I get my driver's license, I can have it."


"Are you Francis DePew?"

"Frank."  He eyed me suspiciously.  "Do you go to Jordan?"

"No way!"  I exclaimed, offended.  "We go to Washington. I..um...I'm on the wrestling team, and I thought I recognized you from a tournament."

"No, we we don't have wrestling.  I was on the football team last year, though."

"Oh, that's it! From a football game...I thought you had the build for wrestling."  Dan nudged me, signifiying that I had said too much.  Or maybe he wanted to be included in the conversation.  Why should I hog the cute guy?  "Um...I'm Boomer, and this is Dan."

"Hi."  Frank shook hands with us both.  "Do you play football?"


How was I going to get the conversation away from sports and onto church?  "Um...no, I'm too busy with Jump Quiz."

"What's that?"

"It's a great sport," Dan offered.  "You have to use your brain and your muscles.  Especially your legs.  We could teach you..."

And then invite him to come to a tournament, and get him saved!  I thought excitedly.  But the Jump Quiz was about the Bible.  The Preacher said that Catholics couldn't read or even touch Bibles -- the holiness zapped them like an electric shock.

"Do you...do you know anything about the Bible?" I asked tentatively.

"Oh, I know a little bit."

A few days later, Frank invited us to his house -- my first time ever in a Catholic house. It wasn't scary at all, except for the "evil" crucifix in the living room.

We set up folding chairs on the patio, and took turns reading the questions and competing one-on-one, with breaks to throw a frisbee to his dog. Frank knew about as much about the Bible as I did, and his muscular legs made him a jump quiz natural.

After an hour, we declared the game a tie, and Frank's mother invited us into the kitchen for sodas and ice cream sandwiches.

"That was fun," Frank said.  "And it really gives your legs a workout.  We should use it for football training."


"It's a big deal at my church.  We have the local eliminations in October, and then the district, and you can go all the way to the Internationals, and get a college scholarship. You should...."  But Frank was being so nice that I felt guilty about the mercenary goal of winning him for Christ.  "You should start a team at your church."

So I didn't win the Prospect. Instead, he won me.

I met a nice guy, and I realized that Catholics weren't as scary and evil as the Preacher kept saying.   In fact, the first person I spent the night with, two years later, was a Maronite Catholic boy from Lebanon.

Monday, November 6, 2023

The Nazarene Teen Idol



When I was growing up in the Nazarene Church, twice a year, in the fall and the spring, we had a "revival": a full week of screeching, foot-stomping, Bible-thumping sermons by an evangelist who made his living going from revival to revival, getting people saved and sanctified.

You were encouraged to bring your friends who went to other churches, and thus might not be amenable to visiting on a Sunday morning.  But on Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday night, they were free, right?

We did get a few converts during every revival, but not nearly enough for the evangelist, who stomped and shouted with more and more urgency as the week wore on and nearly everyone who needed to get saved was already saved and only a few people went down. Or no one.

The only bright spot of the whole ordeal was the gospel group that accompanied the evangelist. During the fall revival in my junior year in high school, the evangelist was the young, muscular but bellowing Brother Jonathan, and the musical group was the Smith Family (not to be confused with the punk rock group the Smiths, which I have several times).

They sang fast, upbeat songs which I assumed they wrote -- there were records for sale in the lobby.  Church oldsters used to old Salvation Army-style ballads like "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" were scandalized by their country-inflected lyrics, not to mention their guitars, drums, and tambourines.  One of their songs goes through my head intermittently to this day:

I've got confidence, God is going to see me through
Whatever the case may be, I know He's gonna fix it for me.

(I just discovered that "I've Got Confidence" was not a Smith Family original: it was composed by Andre Crouch and popularized by Elvis Presley.)


I haven't been able to find any photos -- too much interference from other Smiths on the internet -- but they looked something like this: middle-aged husband and young-adult daughter as the lead singers (baritone and soprano), teenage son on the guitar, preteen son on the drums, and wife on the tambourine, piano, or organ.

 Scott, the teenage son, was a year younger than me, tall and buffed with big hands, a round face, short blond hair, and dreamy blue eyes.  The Nazarene equivalent of a teen idol, our own Shaun Cassidy!  I was desperate to become his friend, or at least feel a warm strong handshake, but I didn't have a chance.  He was mobbed.


Girls were swooning, batting their eyes at him, writing him love notes under the guise of prayer requests.  Old people (anyone over 30) were pushing to tell him what a "fine Christian boy" he was and getting him to autograph any piece of paper they could find, even the "notes" page of their study Bibles.  Boys were rushing to kneel at the altar in the hopes that Scott would come down from the podium and put his arm around them as they moaned and cried and "prayed through to victory."

Unfortunately, I couldn't join them at the altar, because I had made a major tactical error.  You could go down only to get saved (forgiven of the sins you had committed), sanctified (made holy, so you would be incapable of future sins), or to help someone else pray through.   And, not knowing that Scott would be there, I got sanctified just a few weeks ago!

Going down again so soon would be admitting that I had never been sanctified at all -- that I had been deceived by Satan into rising from the altar without praying through. Or that I was lying to get the praise and prestige.  A major faux pas. a major humiliation!

Every night I sat in my pew during Brother Jonathan's altar call, counting the teenage boys who went down, calculating whether the chance of Scott choosing me to pray with was worth a public humiliation. Every night I decided against it.

More after the break

"Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates": bulges and biceps, but where's the plot?

 


Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates
(2016) gets a 36% on Rotten Tomatoes. A reviewer says that "It's definitely a movie to watch when you don't want to think too much." 

 I always want to think while watching a movie; structural analysis is the fun part. But it stars Adam Devine, whose jaw-dropping gorgeosity makes almost anything watchable, and his bromantic partner Zac Efron, who is also sort of cute, so here goes.

Scene 1:  Mike (Adam) is trying to sell his brand of tequila to a bar owner, using Dave (Zac) as a plant.  Except the bartender knows him -- they hang out! And the guys try this every couple of weeks.  He buys the tequila anyway.  The guys hug.  Zac is established as heterosexual in Minute 1.


Scene 2
: Montage of the guys frolicking at parties -- trampoline, fireworks, kissing girls.. Beefcake shots of both. . Cut to them returning to their apartment to find two heterosexual couples -- Mom and Dad!  I'm guessing Mom and Dad got divorced and married other people, so there are four parents. 

They complan that the guys keep going to parties stag, htting on girls, and ruining things.  Wait -- in the montage, everyone was having fun. Nothing was ruined.  And the "hitting on girls" was a mutual flirtation, not a sleazy come-on.  Mom and Dad are being unreasonable.

Uh-oh, the montage was an unreliable narrator.  A lot of those parties turned into disasters. So Mom and Dad lay down the law: at the upcoming wedding, they must each bring a date (they specify a girl).  How will that keep the fireworks from destroying a camper, or grandpa from being pushed into his birthday cake?

Oh, and it turns out that the second couple is their sister Jeannie and her fiance Erik (Sam Richardson)

Character development: Mike is aggressive, easily-angered, and a schemer, while Dave is quiet, stable, and has to be talked into the craziness.  Mike saved Dave from bullies when they were in school. Shouldn't Dave be saving Mike?  Zac Efron is about twice as muscular as Adam Devine, and has a bigger dick, and everybody knows that you need a big dick to fight bullies.


Scene 3: 
Betty and Veronica (um...I mean Alice and Tatiana) working in a sleazy bar. Alice gets drunk and dances on a table, so the boss fires them both.  They go home and watch a video of Alice getting dumped at the altar (by Kyle Smigielski, left), and exclaim "Fuck him right in the dick!"  I'm not sure a dick can get fucked by anothe dick.  Sounded, maybe. They reminisce about vodka brownies and wet t-shirt contests.

Meanwhile, the guys wonder where they can find nice, respectable girls to take to the wedding: Match.com, Tinder, Grindr (really?), Craigslist? 

They post their ad - "two incredibly gorgeous guys offer a free weekend in Hawaii" -- and the number of responses breaks the internet. 

Bob (Bob Turton) sees the ad. His friends tell him it's just for girls; he replies "that's not a dealbreaker," and goes to the interview in drag. He explains that he's new to drag, but he just got out of a divorce, and wants to fuck. They refuse graciously. 

Two lesbians respond: "I'm not really looking for a heteronormative relationship."  That's not what heteronormative means, ladies

Other responses: druggies, sleazoids, prostitutes, a racist. Check, please!

Scene 4: The guys discussing their plight on the Wendy show. She wants to know how two incredibly gorgeous guys have trouble finding dates. "Well, we only want nice, respectable girls." That doesn't explain it, dude. Sleazoids Tatiana and Alice, getting high in their underwear, see the show and figure that they can play respectable.

Later, the guys are in a bar, bemoaning their plight: because of Dad's "old tomato" (ultimatum -- these boys are dumb with a capital q),  they won't be able to attend their sister's wedding.  Cue the girls in ridiculous pink skirts and 1960s hairdos. How did they find out where the guys are?   Tatiana stages a meeting by leaping onto the windshield of a taxi and pretending to be hurt, so Mike can give her inept mouth-to-mouth.


Scene 5:
In a bar getting to know each other, the girls make up jobs (school teacher and hedge fund manager) and back stories ("My ex died of cancer...in a plane crash.").  Veronica (I mean Tatiana) makes risque double entendres at Mike and gets him eroused. Dave shows his girl, Betty (I mean Alice)  his drawings of  anthropomorphized booze, including a unicorn with an erect penis-horn.  Like penises, Dave?  Minimal plot dump: he wants to be an artist, but is being held back by his low self-esteem. And before you know it, they're off to Hawaii.

Left: random naked Hawaiian guy

More after the break