Gemstones Episode 1.1: Kelvin is in love with a Goth boy, Judy with an atheist, and Gideon with the Devil. Plus nude dudes from Chengdu

I figured that we would have Righteous Gemstones Season 4 by now, or at least a cast list to profile, but nothing so far, so let's do some more  Season 1 reviews.

Episode Title: Same as the series, "The Righteous Gemstones."  Danny McBride has not commented on the origin, but in the Book of Exodus, Aaron's breastplate contains twelve gemstones, representing the twelve tribes of Israel, and in Ephesians, we are told to "put on the Breastplate of Righteousness."  Maybe some Evangelical preachers make the connection, and apply Christian virtues to the twelve gemstones.  Maybe someone in McBride's childhood even called them "righteous gemstones."

Who is More of a Man?: Chengdu, in southwestern China. Beneath an advertisement for "24 Hours of Saved Souls," a woman is singing in Mandarin, while hundreds of people file into a swimming pool to be baptized by missionary Eli Gemstone (Dan Conner of Roseanne) or his adult children.  Jesse, the oldest (Danny McBride of Vice Principals), complains that his brother Kelvin (Adam Devine of Workaholics) is dipping the converts too far, getting water in their noses. Kelvin disgrees. Suddenly someone turns on waves and disco music, people lose their footing, it's chaos!

Left: Fireman from Chengdu.  Or somewhere in China, anyway.

The Gemstones return home, and are greeted by Martin, Eli's chief accountant and right-hand man, and his secretary Judy, the third Gemstone child, who complains that she didn't get to go, even though she learned "Ni hao" (Hello).  Jesse argues that missionary work is for only men, and she counters: "I'm more of a man than Kelvin is."  Jesse agrees. Is this a gay reference? 

The three men are chauffeured, in three identical cars, through a huge estate with a golf course, amusement park, and private police force.  Ok, Eli is not a missionary; he has a televangelism empire like Jimmy Swaggart's

They are dropped off at their houses. First  Eli, greeted by a staff of 15 women. Then Jesse, greeted by his wife, Amber, and children, Pontius and Abraham.  Then Kelvin, greeted by no one. So his plot arc will be about finding someone. 

Kelvin and the Vampire:  Kelvin walks into his game room, and starts sorting his mail.  Suddenly a half-naked man appears in the doorway, lowering from a sit-up bench like a vampire rising from his coffin -- next to an Egyptian mummy case. This is the Land of the Dead. 

He says "Hello, friend," more threat than greeting. 

Kelvin: "You scared the bullcrud out of me!"  

Left: At the gym

The Vampire: "I'm sorry, man.  I'd like to keep your bullcrud in."  Another reference to butts.

Kelvin didn't like China: "Jesse was riding me the whole time, fully up my butt."  Second butt reference, this one alluding to anal sex.

He continues to criticize Jesse for not "letting me be me." 

Is this a reference to Kelvin being gay?  Will he come out during this season, or is he already out?

After a bro fist-bump, Kelvin asks (his friend has not yet been named, but we'll call him Keefe) how the housesitting went.

It went fine.  Keefe slept in Kelvin's room one night, "But it felt odd, so I slept the rest of the time here on the couch." The huge house must have a dozen guest rooms.   Why the couch?

Kelvin: "Hey, man, you do not need to feel odd sleeping in my bed.  I told you you could."   Is he easing Keefe into the idea of sleeping with him, so sex can happen by "accident"?

Keefe didn't like being in Kelvin's room: "The energy in there is just unsettling.  It's lonely"   Very insightful.  He can sense Kelvin's loneliness.  There's no one in his life, no friends, no romantic partner.  He doesn't realize it yet, but he is, in the words of Dag Hammarskjold, "screaming for love." .

Kelvin thanks him for looking after the place: "Home-run friendship." Keefe is appreciative: "I know not everybody wanted me here."  House-sitting?  Why would the family care?

Timeline problem: Keefe was a Satanist before he and Kelvin met. Maybe Kelvin even brought him to Christ.  How long have they known each other?  In a future episode, Keefe's Satanist friends wonder why he hasn't been around lately, so just a few weeks.  But there's a faded 666 tattoo on Keefe's chest. Laser tattoo removal takes 6-10 sessions, scheduled 6-8 weeks apart.  Did Keefe start the removal long before he met Kelvin, or did the writers goof? .  

Keefe decides to return to his apartment: "I'm pretty bushed. Gonna go soak in a tub. " It's the middle of the day! You haven't seen your friend in a week or so.  Why don't you want to stick around? Are you worried about things heading in a direction you're not ready for?

"No, man!" Kelvin pleads. "Let's stay up late, play some video games, smash some Pixie Sticks."  Staying up past your bedtime?  Eating sugar?  Are you planning a sexual encounter or a junior high sleepover?

Keefe refuses politely. "That sounds good, but I really need a soak...I like to turn it up real hot."  A sexual double-entendre.  Keefe is overtly excluding Kelvin from his erotic life,  saying "I'm going to have sex, but you're not invited." 

Kelvin asks for a hug. Keefe reluctantly approaches. "So happy you're home," he whispers.

As the hug ends, Kelvin looks devastated.  He is desperate for some kind of physical connection, but Keefe is leaving.   He's so flustered that he can't even return Keefe's "Night-night" properly.

Kelvin seems to be pushing for a sexual relationship, but Keefe isn't sure.  He's been saved (converted) for only a few weeks.  He might find Kelvin attractive, but the power differential is enormous, and maybe he's been abused by clergy before.  It's best to reject overtures that sound too sexual, play it cool, and see what happens. 

Nude Chengdu dudes after the break

Steve Bond: Tarzan costar turned Playgirl model turned soap hunk, all in the steamy 1970s.

 The October 1975 issue of Playgirl featured several nude photos of model/actor Steve Bond.  They quickly became the most famous male nude photos in the world (not counting those of Christopher George)

Not because he was a man-mountain -- no bodybuilder, he had the tight, pleasantly muscled physique of a New Sensitive Man.

Not because of his size beneath the equator, though he was huge.

Because of the contrast.

The last time anyone had seen Steve Bond, the 14-year old Israeli actor, born Schlomo Goldberg, was making his screen debut: he played Erik in a Tarzan movie (1968) with Mike Henry.

Seven years makes a big difference.

After one or two more guest roles, Steve went back home to Israel, finished high school, and completed his mandatory military service.  Now he was in L.A. again, ready to hit the big time.  The nude photos came at a moment of desperation, when he was flat broke

Unfortunately, posing in your birthday suit was still controversial in 1975, and Steve found it difficult getting the attention of casting directors. During the next decade, he played some street toughs, some sexploitation studs, a Chippendales dancer, and a forest ranger investigating some teen murders (in The Prey, 1984). 

He showed his butt a lot, but only when he was sexing naked ladies.

Finally, hoping that the nude pictures were long forgotten, he landed one of the defining roles of his career, redneck Jimmy Lee Holt on General Hospital (1983-87).

No such luck.  In 1985, an eagle-eyed editor at Playgirl discovered the old photos, and reprinted them.  Steve was devastated.  What would happen when the General Hospital producers found out?  Would he be fired? 

Answer after the break

Lou Ferrigno: My Late-Night Hookup with The Incredible Hulk

 

When I was living in West Hollywood, I worked part-time as an editorial assistant on Muscle and Fitness.  

It wasn't as much fun as it sounds.  The articles were often heterosexist, we featured female bodybuilders as often as male, and  I didn't get to actually watch many photo shoots.

But I did get to talk to some bodybuilders, including Lou Ferrigno: Mr. America, Mr. Universe, Hercules, and The Incredible Hulk

He was most famous for The Incredible Hulk, about ten years before.  I never watched, but I knew the basic premise: It starred Bill Bixby as David Banner (changed from the Marvel comics' Bruce, which the network censored deemed too gay).  After the death of his wife, of course, he experiments with human strength, and Jekyl-Hydes himself into Ferrigno's green-skinned man-mountain: "Don't get me angry.  You wouldn't like me when I'm angry." 

One day Ferrigno came in with Bill Bixby.  I thought they looked like a gay couple.

A few days later, he came in by himself for a photo shoot.

"Hi, Mr. Ferrigno." I called.  "Where's Bill?"

"I left him home, chained up in the basement."

"Can I come take a look?"

He grinned, clapped a huge hand on my back, and walked on.

Asking around, I was told: "Ferrigno is straight, but he won't say no to a late-night blow job."

I kept a lookout for Ferrigno's next appearance.  It came near Halloween, when I was working reception, a part of the job I hated.

"You got a promotion, I see," he said with a cruisy smile.

"I'm a jack of all trades around here, but usually I'm in editorial."

"Then be sure to spell my name right."

"Only if you spell mine right.  I'd better write it down for you."

He didn't object, so I wrote it on a piece of paper.  "And my phone number, in case you have any questions."

"Good idea.  I might have questions."

He put the number in his pocket and went off to his appointment.  About half an hour later, he came through the lobby again and stopped at my desk.  "Do you like ____?"

I didn't understand his deaf accent (Ferrigno has 80% hearing loss).  "Mexican food?"  Was he asking me out?  "Sure.  What time...."

Then someone else came in, and he mouthed "I'll call you," and left.

At least that's what I think he said.

I told all my friends that I had a date with Lou Ferrigno, and waited for his call.

It never came, so I forgot about it-- I was giving my phone number to a lot of people at the time.

Then one night in  January shortly after Alan the Pentecostal Porn Star and I broke up, I was at home, watching tv and doing some reading for my seminar in Dante at USC, when Lou knocked on my door!

"Is this a good time?" he asked.

My one-room apartment was a mess -- unmade bed, dinner dishes out, books and papers everywhere.  Besides, I was in my bathrobe, and I hadn't brushed my teeth since dinner. But who's going to say no?

He collapsed onto the bed.  "Boy, I'm tired.  I could use a nap."

"Ok, let's take a nap."

I climbed onto the bed next to him, and he wrapped a huge arm around me.  I moved up and started unbuttoning his shirt and kissing his chest.

More after the break. Caution: Explicit

Bobby Hogan: From homophobic college to parody Spiderman, with some significant dicks in between

 

"The Lake," from Season 2 of  American Horror Stories, follows the recent American Horror Story pattern of minimizing or eliminating LGBT representation.  In the first scene, three hot guys and three bikini-clad girls are on a boat, discussing how heterosexual they are.  

Jake (Bobby Hogan) has a map of the village that was flooded to create their lake, so he and his sister dive down and look for souvenirs.  Suddenly a green tendril grabs him and pulls him into the muck.  He doesn't appear again, except as a corpse.  In fact, none of the cute guys appear again.  The story is all about sister Finn and her mother discovering the evil secret of the lake.

Heteronormativity or no, I wanted more than just one scene worth of Bobby Hogan's chest and abs, so I researched him on IMDB and his instagram, looking for beefcake and evidence that he is gay.

Not much biographical information.  On his Facebook, he says that he is from St. Louis and Chaminade College Preparatory School and Belmont University in Nashville.  Chaminade is Catholic, and Belmont is "Christ-centered," affiliated with the Southern Baptist Church until it broke away in 2007, and intensely homophobic. 

Bobby starred in Escape to Margaritaville, Footloose, and Johnny and the Devil's Box, and graduated with a BFA in Musical Theater in 2019.  

Wait -- 90% of musical theater guys are gay.  How does Belmont even allow a musical theater degree program?  Bobby must be gay or gay-friendly, but then why would he choose a homophobic college and listen to rants about how evil he or his fellow drama majors are?  I'm confused.

On WeAudition, advertising a service helping you run lines, develop a character, and so on, Bobby states that he moved to Los Angeles in the fall of 2020 to begin his film/tv career.  Unfortunately, it was the start of the COVID pandemic, so roles were scarce.  He has 10 listins on the IMDB, beginning in 2021 with The Superhero Diaries  

He plays a Parody Spiderman in 7 episodess.  I watched some clips on Youtube: a date with Harley Quinn, and serenading Wonder Woman.  Depressingly heteronormative, but he displays a nice physique and bulge.

After that, a lot of guest gigs:

Duncan in the 9-1-1 Lone Star episode "Red vs. Blue."  It's actually about a cops-firefighter baseball game, not red states vs. blue states.

 Marine Recruit #6 in the movie Manifest Evil. The trailer shows a man interacting with two women, yawn.

The American Horror Stories gig.

Trevor Logan on The FBI episode "Fortunate Son." A teen shows up at headquarters with a bag of fentanyl, and wants the gang to find out who killed his father.  To meet my n*de dude quota, the RG Beefcake and Boyfriends site has a frontal photo of John Boyd, who plays one of the agents, after the break

A soldier on the NCIS episode "Survival of the Fittest."  He is attacked by a genetic weapon.

Cole on SWAT

Joshua in Remy & Arletta, a Christian movie about two girls who are friends (not girlfriends).  A Christian movie?   Figures.

Two episodes on Chicago PD as Noah Gorman, a teenager who leaves home after his homophobic parents denounce him for being gay. He is kidnapped, but mom and dad don't care, it's what he deserves for turning evil.  He is found, badly beaten and traumatized, but won't say who the kidnapper was.  

Hank Voight, Jason Beghe, takes him in, since he has nowhere else to go.  In the next episode, he is kidnapped again and killed -- not in a hate crime, just a regular serial killer, but still an awful "bury your gays" moment.  If you are gay, you must die.

But at least Bobby had no problem with playing a gay character. 

I'm posting a shot of Jason Beghe's backside, and some potential Bobby dicks after the break.