Gemstones Episode 4.4: Gideon is gay, Jesse jealous, and Kelvin scared. Plus a Big Dick and a play within a play

 

Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.3, Continued: Vance is homophobic, Jesse is sad, and Kelvin is doomed.  With Ryan, Vance, and Hamlet d*cks

Title: "He Goeth Before You Into Galilee."  Matthew 28.7 Mary Magdalene and the other Mary see that the tomb of Jesus is empty.  An angel tells them to tell the disciples that he has risen from the dead, and "he goeth before you ointo Galilee."  

Welcome to Galilee Gulch.  Baby Billy water-skiing naked, nice shots of his dong and butt.  That's two Baby Billy dongs in four episodes.

Then the Gemstones and Milsaps arrive at Galilee Gulch, a huge "lake house" on Lake Marion, about an hour north of Charleston.  Coincidentally, the house where they filmed is owned by a gay couple.

Pontius complains; Jesse makes him carry in some bags.  

Some cute attendants, who aren't in the cast list, take care of the wheelchair-using BJ, who complains that the whole place is inaccessible.  He'll be constantly complaining about everything through the episode.

Keefe wants to go waterskiing naked, like Uncle Baby Billy, but Kelvin doesn't want to hang dong with his uncle.  Then he forces Keefe to carry the gigantic trunk full of shoes into the house.  That's no way to treat your partner, buddy.  At least he calls Keefe "Sweetheart."

The Breakup Plan: Uncle Baby Billy disapproves of the Eli-Lori relationship -- we aren't told why, but maybe he knows something from Lori's past -- and pushes the siblings into a plan to break them up. The siblings point out that they arranged this weekend retreat because the lake house is full of Aimee-Leigh's things, and will certainly cause Eli to feel guilty about "abandoning Mama." 

For instance, Eli and Lori's bedroom still has Aimee-Leigh's clothes in the closet,  He orders the eavesdropping siblings to call "the help" and have them moved out.  

Kelvin is pretending to read the complete works of William Shakespeare.  Another clue that we're in the middle of Hamlet.

To refresh your memory: Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, suspects that his mother and uncle, Gertrude and Claudius, conspired to murder his father and take the throne.  He kills his trusted advisor; his girlfriend commits suicide; Gertrude is poisoned; he kills Claudius, then dies himself.  "The rest is silence."  Well, there's no one left alive.

The New Nanny: Baby Billy is being nasty to his wife and children ("Get them out of here!"), and expresses his hatred for the butch Germanic nanny, Sola (Kirsten Schultze).  So why not fire her?

Gideon is Gay:  Friday dinner. Kelvin, Keefe, Abraham, and BJ are playing blackjack, the others sitting around a kitchen island.  Jesse gets jealous because Gideon is sitting next to Eli, and they shared a joke. 

 Jesse is treating Gideon as a romantic partner who is cheating on him with Eli.  That is not really happening, of course, but it is heavily implied that Gideon is gay, for the first time since Season 1 -- back then he got more queer codes than Kelvin.  I guess they can't drop hints about Kelvin and Keefe anymore, so they have to do Gideon.

Corey apologizes for his reaction to Eli/Lori, and brings in 100 pounds of barbecued pork. 

More after the break, including a big dick

Kevin Quinn: "Bunk'd" hunk, singer, mental health advocate, gay Christian. Or not. With the hunk's junk and Mykelti's bum

I have about eight profiles ready to post, plus reviews of tv shows and movies.  This one has been sitting in my files for awhile:

After reviewing the gay-engagement episode of the Disney Channel's Bunk'd, about a summer camp where the campers stick around for years, I checked for male cast members who were gay or had posted n*de photos as adults, and found two:  Nate Stone, below, and Kevin Quinn.

Kevin is gay and Christian, of special interest to me due to my hardcore evangelical childhood.  

The Chicago native had performed for the Children's Theater of Winnetka, but he was primarily interested in baseball until 2013: a week after his 15th birthday, he auditioned for American Idol -- the youngest contestant ever.  He made it through the Long Beach and Hollywood rounds before being eliminated.

After doubling up on courses to graduate from high school early, he returned to  Los Angeles, where he was immediately cast in Bunk'd as Xander McCormick, the handsome, muscular, but dim-witted summer camp counselor who draws the attention of "all" of the female counselors (and none of the male; this was still the Disney Channel)

He also appeared in an episode of Shameless and the remake of Adventures in Babysitting on the side.  Plus he was touring in a musical group.

After two seasons, Kevin left Bunk'd  due to exhaustion, stress, and mental health issues -- he was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.  He began concentrating on his singing, although he still appeared occasionally on screen:

Three episodes of Champions (2018) as Greg, who draws the interest of the gay boy Michael (Josie Totah before she began transitioning).

Brian in Canal Street (2018), a Christian movie with teenage Jackie (Mykelti Williamson, left) accused of murdering a classmate. He or his Dad, or both, find God.

A member of a social anxiety group in an episode of Love Daily (2018).

A starring role in A Christmas Love Story (2019), as a boy who has a "golden voice," and may be just who focus character Katherine needs to win or save whatever needs winning or saving.   Complication: the boy's father (Scott Wolf) disapproves of singing. Not macho enough for you, Dad?

Another starring role in A Week Away (2021), as an orphaned boy who finds a parental figure, a best buddy, a girlfriend, and God at a Christian summer camp (at least it only lasts for a week, not forever like "Bunk'd").  He originally auditioned for the best buddy role, but the showrunners thought he would shine as the lead.

A third starring role -- boyfriend is on fire! --  in Send It (2022), as an extreme sports player who finds a girlfriend, and I assume God, at a kiteboarding competition.

Kevin has about 30 recorded songs available on Spotify, including  "Wildfire," "I'm Still Breathing," "It's About Time," "Awesome God," and "God Only Knows."  He released an album, Real Me, in 2024

In 2023, he and co-host Justin Crawford began Luminosity, a podcast on mental health issues.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit

"Da Vinci's Demons": An absurdly heterosexual Da Vinci, a bi guy who only likes ladies, two monstrous gay predators, and a lot of penises

 

Last night Da Vinci's Demons, appeared on our Peacock recommendations.  We didn't realize that it was from 2013: Peacock keeps the date of tv series secret.

Of course it would turn gay artist and inventor Leonardo Da Vinci (1452-1519) straight: every historical figure from Shakespeare to Cole Porter gets straightened in contemporary media.  But when I was studying comparative literature, one of my fields was Renaissance Italy.  Plus there were hints of the paranormal, secret societies and such.  So why not?

Big mistake.  It was disgusting.  I can't even bring myself to do a scene-by-scene, but I'll post some of the nude photos.

1. They straightened Da Vinci (Tom Riley) in the most offensive, slap-in-the-face way possible.  He starts out painting a naked woman of "exceptional beauty," then discuss the incredible beauty of the Woman of His Dreams, Lucrezia Donati, over and over and over.  Finally he manages to have sex with her for ten minutes of her boobs.  .  

2. His apprentice Nico (Eros Vlastos), who grows up to be Niccolo Machiavelli, gazes longingly at the bare boobs, too.  It is absolutely imperative to demonstrate that every man on Earth is heterosexual.  

At least Machiavelli was straight in real life.

3. DaVinci's buddy Zoroaster (Greg Chillan) mentions that he's been with men in an offhand comment, then goes into detail about the exceptional beauty of the hundreds of women he's had sex with.  He likes ugly women, too, because they're better in bed.  

4. There are two gay guys.  I know, every man on Earth longs for women's boobs, but these people are not men, they are odious, slimy monsters who have nonconsensual sex with teenage boys.  The first, the Duke of Milan (Hugh Bonneville), is killed immediately after he kicks the boy (Matthew David) out of his bed.  Serves him right for being gay.

More homophobia and some penises after the break

Adam Devine's House Party Episode 1.3: A bisexual foam orgy is promised

 Adam Devine's House Party (2013-2016) appeared simultaneously with Workaholics -- apparently  Comedy Central though that their viewers would watch anything with Adam Devine.  And maybe they were right.

Adam plays "himself" (with his usual goofball persona) hosting a party in a gigantic mansion.  He strikes out with girls a lot. Some of the guests play themselves, and others play fictional characters.  Comedians drop by and riff.  There are scripted plots.  In the first season, it's about 70% comedy sets, 30% plot.   You'll be reminded of the sitcom-standup mesh of The Larry Sanders Show a little bit, but it's really for fans of Adam's unique brand of self-referential comedy.   

I reviewed Episode 1.3, "Foam Party," because Adam is trying to get a foam-based orgy started, and because one of the fictional characters, Steve, is played by Tony Cavalero.  As far as I can tell, this is the first time the two worked together, six years before Kelvin and Keefe. 

Scene 1: Adam charging admission.  His parties are usually free, but today he's got a foam machine, so there's going to be a redunk orgy, no one with crabs allowed. A guy in the back yells at him. So Adam is planning to have sex with girls and guys both?  He invites the ladies to take off their panties,  and dudes, if they're wearing panties. 

Scene 2: People drinking, getting high. Ron Funches brought a rhubarb pie, but it's frozen solid. 

Scene 3: Ron Funches riffs on moving to Oregon and trying new things, like iced coffee,  white women, and bad rap: "If you can rhyme titties with titties, I'm a buy your album."  Ok, it's heterosexist, I'm fast-forwarding.

Scene 4: Steve (Tony Cavalero) looks embarrassed that the girl he's with, Ariel,  is drunk. He wants to leave, and tries to pull her away, but Adam intercedes: "We don't treat women like that. You're out."

Steve says "F*k you."  Preparing to fight, Adam kisses his fists; "He's warm. He's ready." 

As Adam makes martial arts moves, Steve says "You're weird!" and leaves. His girl remains.  "I'm king of the party!" Adam exclaims.  "Let's get naked!"   We see his bare chest and pixilated bottom parts.  

Scene 5:  Before anyone else can get naked, the lights go off!  No problem: Adam gives everyone glow sticks.  But now the foam machine is not emitting enough for an orgy.  

He tells the PA Guy (Steven Bailey) to fix it, but not to check the fuse box (Adam doesn't believe that fuse boxes exist).  He has to go to the basement and crank a hand generator.

Steven Bailey starred with Adam in Pitch Perfect, and wrote or starred in many episodes of House Party and Workaholics

Scene 6: Drennan Davis performs a rap song. "So many girls/wanna take them back to my room/ we hit the sack/ but first we be drinking, yo."  Fast-forward.

Scene 7: As the PA Guy cranks, Adam flirts with Ariel, Steve's girl. "If you were a mermaid, I'd still want to have sex with you, even though you'd be half fish, and that's bestiality."  Good point.

Scene 8: Brent Morin (the one with the bulge) talks about unsuccessfully trying to be cool: "Like, I'll be at a party, I'll see a pretty  girl, and...(fast forward)..."I met Bradley Cooper once.  Super hot...why did I say hot?  Whatever, I'm not gay, I'm not gay."  Having to specify so people don't get the wrong idea and look down on you?  Not cool, dude. 

Scene 9: No foam, and no lights: everyone is leaving.  Brent and Drennan (two of the comedians) want their money back: they're going to a better foam party at Jeff Ross's house.  A running gag in Season 1 has the guests leaving Adam's party for Jeff Ross's.

Adam sits beside the pile of foam with Ariel.  Just as he is about to kiss her, the PA Guy gives up the hand crank and flips the fuse box.  The lights go on. 

Ariel's boyfriend Steve returns; she rushes into his arms.  "Thank God you're here.  I thought this guy was going to rape me." Fickle, isn't she?

"No, it was consensual.  If it was consensual, I'd be down."  He winks at Steve. So you'd be down to have sex with Steve?

Steve challenges him: "Come rape me!"

"Ok, I'll rape you -- with my fists!"  You know that fisting is a sexual act, right?  "And with my knees!"Then the foam machine comes on and knocks him to the floor.  Steve drags his girlfriend off.  Adam gets foam in his eyes.  The end.

Beefcake: Just Adam's chest shot.

Heterosexism: Two of the three comedians are stultifyingly heterosexist, and the third builds his set on anxiety on being mistaken for gay.

Gay Subtexts: Although he only mentions hooking up with hot girls, Adam appears to anticipate a bisexual foam orgy.  

Fighting as a substitute for sex is a common trope in literature and film (note how straight guys often punch each other to display affection).  Here it comes close to the surface, with Adam's "I'd be down" and wink, and Steve's facetious suggestion that Adam rape him instead of beat him up. 

My Grade: Adam is thoroughly unpleasant, belittling ,demanding, and imperious, as well as dumb as a fence post.  We see some glimmers of this aspect of his persona in his other characters -- Kelvin became a tyrant with the God Squad in Righteous Gemstones Season 2 -- but it is offset by some essential goodness, vulnerability, or at least politeness. Just having someone who loves him around gives viewers the impression that he can't be all jerk.  But here the jerk rules.  Nobody at the party seems to like him at all.  And the heterosexism is rampant.  D

See also: Adam Devine's House Party, Episode 1.1: Adam shows his tree trunk, eats fro-yo, flirts with Andrew Santino

Adam Devine's House Party, Episode 2.9: Adam's Orgasm, Nick Rutherford's Bulge, and Guys Sucking...

Adam Devine's House Party, Episode 3.1: Adam marries a dude. And it's not Tony Cavlero.