"Workaholics" Episode 5.1: Blake becomes a porn star, Ders is into kinky stuff, and Adam is gay. With bonus penises

I'm not posting about Workaholics too much, you're posting about Workaholics too much. But Episode 5.1 is amazing.  There are no gay characters, there's a homophobic slur,  two of the three guys express heterosexual interest, there's a straight porn movie in one scene and two straight people having sex in another.  And Adam leaves his shirt on.  How could all that be gay-positive?

Scene 1: The guys are preparing to watch the "biggest night in Hollywood."  They hope it will be better than last year, when it consisted mostly of people "sucking each other off" on the red carpet.  Hey, it's not the Oscars -- it's the Adult Entertainment Awards!  Adam comes in with snacks -- breast-shaped cakes for the guys, and he gets a chocolate penis.

Scene 2: Discussing the results at work.  Adam guessed right in every category, even Best Dong-umentary (12 Inches a Slave won).  He explains that he has a "pornographic memory" -- he never forgets a dick.  What a coincidence, I like to look at dicks, too.  Do you also like s*king them?  

On to the episode's premise: Ders is being sent tothe North Rancho College Job Fair to recruit college grads (to be telemarketers?).  He can bring some assistants, but Adam and Blake are out -- they'll just bail, leaving him to do all of the work alone.  Of course, they talk him into it, and the moment they hit the campus, they bail.

Ders' Adventure: He starts attracting students by insulting the guys in the Coast Guard recruitment booth: "You're called the coast guard because you coast on the backs of the people who really guard our country."  He also makes a homophobic gesture, "accusing" the coast guard guys of sucking cock.  

Ok, one "gay sex is shameful" joke.  This is mild.  Have you seen anything with Seth Green lately?  He and his best friend reach for the popcorn at the same time, and accidentally touch hands: "I need to shower and cry for three hours!  I've never been so disgusted!   If anyone saw us, they might think that we're -- oh, I'm going to be sick!" 

Finally the coast guard guys, led by Brock (Pete Ploszek), have had enough of his jibes, pour Big Red soda into his butt hole, and have their dog mascot -- um --- you know.  But Ders likes it!

Later, Ders pretends that he wants to apologize, but he tells a dirty joke instead.  The coast guard guys chase him.  He climbs a ladder and escapes into a dorm room....

Adam's Adventure:  He suddenly realizes that this is the campus where they filmed his favorite porno, Dorm Daze.  He looks around until he finds Room 18, where they filmed the gang bang scene.  Wait -- the direction of the "semen sprays" isn't right.  He is creating a diagram, when the room's occupant, Danny (Peter Ngo), comes in with a girl and orders him out. 

When Adam sees a girl carrying a texbook on Female Sexuality, he thinks she's going to a class on porn, so he follows her into a giant lecture hall -- occupied entirely by women!  Score -- dozens of future porn actresses learning about the trade.   Maybe they'll even use him to demonstrate their techniques!

The professor calls him down.  He's thrilled!  He just wishes he wore his "big dick jeans" to show off his huge cock.   It's really a Women's Studies class about women's objectification by the patriarchy!  Run!   But he digs himself in deeper and deeper, discussing how much he likes porn: "the gentle cupping of the balls....they caress the shaft....and then gag..."  Do you like getting them or giving them, Adam?

Time for the lambasting:  the women are being exploited. Many are confused actresses lured in with the offer of a legitimate movie role, given drugs and alcohol to lower their inhibitions, then forced to perform.  Many are single mothers. What if your mother was in that situation?   

"My Mom?"  Adam seethes.  Converted into an anti-porn advocate, he and the students rush to the dorm room used for filming pornos, and shut it down!  Except it's a  regular dorm room now, occupied by Dominic (Seth Ginsberg, top photo), having consensual sex with his girlfriend.  Wait -- Adam uses logical deducation to determine that the real porn room is....

Blake's Adventure:  He is pretending to be Australian, so when he sees a sign announcing open auditions for Hamlet, he auditions with a fight scene from Crocodile Dundee.  The director chastises him: "You're a very bad actor," but Crystal, a girl in the audience,  offers him a role in a short film.  

She leads him to a dorm room. He wants to know about the characters, the plot, and so on, but Landon, the director, gives him drugs and alcohol and tells him to whip it out. Blake catches on that it's a porno, and tries to leave, but Landon yells at him and threatens him.  "I just wanted to act," Blake whimpers. "So go in the closet and grease up your hog."    Notice the beat-by-beat reflection of what the professor told Adam.  Not understanding, he comes out with his body greased. Crying, humiliated, he can't bring himself to take out his dick.  

Tying the Plot Threads Together: Adam and the students burst in to save Blake and "this poor, innocent girl."  Crystal points out that she's a producer, she owns 40% of the company, and besides, she enjoys performing.  Whoops, there's another side to the story.  It's not all about exploitation. 

But they still need someone with a penis to do it on camera.  Not to worry -- Ders bursts in, chased by the coast guard guys, who are all interested.  We cut to them waiting in line to do a "Coast Guard Gang Bang" movie.  Wait -- twelve guys and one girl?  Some of those guys are going to be banging each other.  The end.

Beefcake: Blake and Dominic the Dorm Guy.

Gross-out humor: Ders enjoys the dog-sex thing. In the kicker, he suggests that the guys get a dog.

Heterosexism:  The coast guard guys complain that they've been chasing Ders all over campus. "We should be chasing chicks, not dudes."

The professor who describes porn as solely about women being exploited by men gets her comeuppance: sometimes male performers are being exploited, too.

Homophobia: One reference.  Interestingly, when Crystal tries to humiliate Ders into performing, she says "Don't you like sex?", not "Are you gay?"

Gay Subtext: Except for one or two lines suggesting an interest in women, Adam presents as gay.  His favorite porn scene involves guys jizzing.  When he describes what he likes about porn, it's all about giving a blow job. 

My Grade: A

I could hardly post on Adam's penis expertise without some penis pics after the break.  Caution: some arousal.

"Teenage Bounty Hunters": Two girls at a high-power Christian Academy get a side gig. With Mackenzie Astin and the guys sans pants

 

Teenage Bounty Hunters. on Netflix, gets 4.6 out of 5 stars on Rotten Tomatoes.  Sure, I could use something mindless and trashy, as long as the girls keep their clothes on.  So I'll review Episode 1.1.

Scene 1: In a parked car, a teenage girl convinces a highly religious "But it's a sin!" boy, Luke (Spencer House. left), to do it with her by quoting scripture. She quotes John 3:16 and the Shepherd Psalm while mounting him.

I should have tried that when I was a Nazarene!

In the next car over, another teenage girl finishes giving a hand job to Stoner Dude Jennings (Nicholas Cirillo), and then  interrogates him on her technique.

Scene 2: The two girls turn out to be twins, Sterling (religious) and Blair (stoner), who discuss their sexcapades on the way home.  Suddenly they hit a car.  "Jesus, Mother of God!" Religious Sterling cries. Well, she's not Catholic, so how could she know that it's "Mary, Mother of God"?

The guy they hit brandishes a gun, but they quickly subdue him.  He thinks they're bounty hunters (hired to track down people who skip bail).

The real bounty hunter shows up: Bowser (Kadeem Hardison, who you might remember from A Different World).  Dude runs, and Bowser is too fat to give chase, so the girls grab him.    Believing that they are professional bounty hunters, Bowser agrees to share the fee with them.

Scene 3: "What I did for my summer vacation" at a Christian Academy.  An entitled girl says: "I was so blessed that my Daddy let us use his helicopter to fly to his lake house for a discipleship week."  Gak!

Religious Sterling is chosen to be this year's Christian Discipleship Student Fellowship Leader.  But she doesn't want to do it because she's...um...as pure as the driven slush? 

Scene 4: Outside the scary Gothic-castle school, Religious Sterling is fake-congratulated by a Mean Girl: "But I'm glad I didn't get it, because I'll be so busy this year with the Young Republicans, Latin Club, the Straight-Straight Alliance..." Har-har

Studdenly Stoner Dude bumps into Religious Sterling.  She drops her purse, and a condom falls out.  Everyone is shocked!  Sin!  Abomination!

Sceene 5: The girls go home to their mansion, where Supermodel Mom has made brownies.  Dad comes in (bisexual actor Mackenzie Astin, brother of Sean).

Left: Searching for "Mackenzie Astin" and "body" yielded this photo of Scott Bakula and someone who doesn't look like Mac Astin.

And brother Sean in Toy Soldiers.

Scene 6: I'm not sure what the point of Scene 5 was.  They call Dad "sir," but otherwise he seems perfectly nice, interested in their activities, not authoritarian or abusive.

They walk through the grounds to the garage to pick up a car, so they can meet with Bowser the Bounty Hunter to collect their $2,500 (don't they get that much allowance every week?)

Scene 7: Yogurtopia, where Bowser the Bounty Hunter has his day job.  He gives the girls their money, but it will take a lot more to fix their Dad's best huntin' truck that got wrecked in Scene 2.   So he offers them a new job: a richster named John Stevens was arrested for solicitation and assault (he beat up a hooker), and skipped bail.  Now he's hanging out in the Men's Parlour, a super-exclusive section of the super-exclusive (that is, white only) country club.  Bowser is black, so he can't get in; could the girls do it?

The girls discuss:  They know John Stevens -  he's Mean Girl's Dad!  He's made  inappropriate comments about their' bods, so he's a creep.  But why would a bajillionaire be a bail jumper?  Couldn't he just hire a famous attorney and bribe the jury to be found not guilty?

More bounty hunting after the break

The Baptist Student Union: two Baptist boys give in to temptation

 

Naperville, Illinois

When I finally managed to drop out of the Nazarene church, my parents told me, "You don't have to be a Nazarene, but you can't be a heathen!  Find another church to go to!"  

So I tried Presbyterian and Lutheran churches, and, during my senior year at Augustana College, the Baptist Student Fellowship.

My parents were not pleased.

Nazarenes thought that Baptists were the most evil of the "so-called Christians." At least the Lutherans were open about worshipping idols, and the Presbyterians about tearing apart the Bible, but the Baptists were almost identical to Nazarenes.

The only differences that I could see:

1. Baptism.  The Nazarene Manual mentioned baptism, but in all my years as a Nazarene, I had never seen it done. Baptists required it for everybody.

2.  "Once saved, always saved."  Nazarenes believed that after you got saved, you could backslide -- commit more sins -- and have to be saved all over again.  For Baptists, once was enough -- after you were saved, you would go to heaven no matter what you did.  

When I was a kid, the older boys at church whispered that due to "once saved, always saved," Baptists had no morals: hey would "put out" for anybody.  So if you wanted a "sure thing" on a date, ask a Baptist girl.

What about Baptist boys?  I joined the Baptist Student Union to see if they were also  "easy," willing to "put out" for anybody.  Willing to get a BJ from a dude.

At first glance, they seemed nearly as strict as the Nazarenes, exhorting each other to "stay pure" and "resist their urges."  Like the Nazarenes, they taught that God hated homa-sekshuls, plus premarital sex and masturbation, any sexual act that wasn't intended to make a baby.

The main project of the Baptist Student Union year was putting on a  musical about a guy who makes obnoxious come-ons to every girl in sight, until one of them invites him to church, where he gets saved and vows to "stay pure" until his wedding night.  I only remember one song:

The Devil is alive and well on the Planet Earth.
The Devil is alive and well, and he can make you feel like hell....

Feel like hell was code for Having erotic desires or giving in to them.  But church elders disapproved of the bad language, so we changed the line to "send your soul to hell."

Beginning just after Christmas, we performed for youth groups at various Baptist churches in the area.  Not only in Rock Island, but in Kewanee, Galesburg, Princeton, cities up to an hour's drive away.

Then one Sunday in the spring, we were booked by a church in Naperville,  about three hours away -- too far to get home after the evening youth group.  So we car-pooled on Sunday afternoon, and after our performance, church members gave us dinner and put us up for the night.

The four boys in the cast stayed with an elderly couple whose sons had grown up and moved away.

More Baptists after the break