A tv series called Paradise just dropped on Hulu, recalling the annoying Netflix habit of impossible-to-research one-word titles. But the icon shows two men and a woman, and the first episode icon, two men together. So maybe some gay characters, or at least a gay subtext buddy bond. Let's check.
Scene 1: Xavier (Sterling K. Brown) wakes up on one side of a bed, feels the pillow on the other side, and flashes his wedding ring. Annoying cliche #1: Dead wife. Heterosexual identity established in a gesture at Minute 1. He morosely gets up, dresses with just enough beefcake to show his scars, and writes messages in marker: "Eat me first!"; "Get brushed!" "Dress your teeth." Har-har.
He leaves to go jogging, greeting the neighbor in his vine-covered nuclear family house, through Annoying Cliche #2: a small town that looks like it's the 1950s -- past a store with one of those toy horse rides outside, for chrissakes. They're all setting up for the big, important carnival.
Past a rich dude's house, where Agent Pace (Jon Beavers) jokes that he's getting old and about to have a heart attack (Sterling K. Brown is only 49; you can run into your 80s).
He counters that Agent Pace runs a 14 minute mile. "But I lift, dude."
"But...the world's biggest biceps don't make up for the world's smallest dick." Annoying Cliche #3: The size of your dick correlates with your worth as a human being. These guys are both jerks.
Scene 2: Back home. Annoying Cliche #4: teenage daughter and preteen son. Why can't it ever, just once, be the other way around? They discuss his diet -- he's getting fat -- and his inability to sleep since the Wife Died.
Left: Sterling K. sort-of smiling. His character displays only two emotions, anger and sadness.
Xavier eats his daughter's eggs instead of his own, creepily grabs and threatens to tickle her, and Annoying Cliche #4: kisses the top of her head.
The son is reading James and the Giant Peach. Xavier disapproves. Why? It's about a boy whose parents are killed by a rampaging rhinocerous, so he is sent to live with his abusive aunts...oh.
Scene 3: Back to the rich person's house. Agent Pace had to go home to use the bathroom, so Jane is working in his place. Xavier goes through the gate, past the fountain and into the house, where two other agents, Rainier and Brooks, meet him. "Rich guy isn't up yet, and it's 10:00 am." He must be getting special security due to a death threat.
Through the house -- all white, with ferns -- past pictures of Rich Guy and his buddies.
Up the stairs, knocking on the door. "Mr. President."
Wait -- does he mean the President of the United States? But this ain't the White House! It could be a Mar-a-Lago sort of presidential retreat.
He bursts in to find the President dead on the floor, in a pool of blood.
Scene 4: Five Years Earlier: The President (James Marsden, top photo) asks Xavier (left) to remove his shoes before entering his office (not the Oval Office). He won the election last night, as the incumbent, but his opponent "had the brain of Goldendoodle" (isn't being stupid a requirement for the job?). He wants Xavier to be his lead secret service agent, or rather "by my side for the next four years -- and after." He mentions his future retirement without mentioning "beautiful women" -- queer code.
But why Xavier? "You're the best, and you're black." Why, are you into black guys? He's a Southerner, so he can't have an all-white staff.
The President prides himself on being an outsider, unconventional, but able to make the hard decisions, because "The world is 19 times more fucked up than anyone realizes."
Scene 5: Back to the present. Xavier notices two glasses, one empty; a cigarette on the floor; and something missing from the dressing room safe. Also, in a photo of the President with his family, someone drew horns on his wife (Cassidy Freeman, Amber on The Righteous Gemstones).
Xavier calls for a lockdown, says he needs 30 minutes, and starts crying. So, you and the President were good buddies, huh?
Scene 6: Flashback to the end of Xavier's first day in the secret service. The President notes that he and his wife hate each other -- she'll leave him as soon as he's out of office-- and asks if Xavier has a wife and kids. Why, to see if he's available for snogging?"Only two kids? Good. It's a smart move to not have kids right now." Why, global warming?
Scene 7: In the present, Xavier calls Agent Pace and orders him back to the house. He resists, so Xavier says"It's bad. It's really bad."
He heads to the basement to talk to Mike Garcia (Eddie Diaz), who is staffing the security cameras, to go through the President's day. Workout, got out of his bathrobe for the first time in a week, coffee with Sinatra (don't get excited, it's a woman with a man's name).
Xavier was there: he remembers the President and Sinatra arguing about who has the biggest balls.
Left: Marsden's backside
Then the President made pasta (from scratch) for dinner with his son, but the guy bailed on him and ate with his mother. Then his usual (female) bedroom partner arrived. After the bedroom visit, he visited with his father, who stays in the guest house, then went to bed. Last person to see him was -- Xavier!
More after the break
Scene 7: One month into his term, reporters are drilling the President about the "Colorado revelations." He says that they are wild speculations. Uh-oh, one of the reporters has a gun! "The world deserves to know!" he yells. Xavier pushes the President out of the way, but gets shot.
Left: Not Charlie Evans
Xavier wakes up in a hospital bed. The President thanks him. They discuss how much they love each other. Not really, but there is certainly a gay subtext between them.
Scene 8: Back at the murder scene, Xavier notices the earrings of the President's usual sex partner.
Meanwhile, Agent Pace investigates the kitchen, where there are two dirty plates -- hey, I thought he ate alone. He heads outside and sees that something or someone has jumped off the President's balcony. The other agents ask what's going on. He doesn't know, but his grimace reveals that he actually does.
Down in the security station, Garcia has something: all of the security cameras were frozen from 10:42 pm to 12:13 am. No one noticed because only Agent Pace was in the house, and he was asleep in the couch.
Meanwhile, Agent Jane asks what the heck is going on. Agent Pace: "I need you to trust me." She surreptituously hands off something. They're both in on it!
Xavier appears and announces: "Wildcat is Down. Code Red." Meaning: The President is dead.
Scene 9: The President's Wife arrives to a house full of agents and dour-looking guys in suits, and wants to know what's going on, but they keep her out of the building. Sam (a woman) arrives in a limo. Wife asks her if her husband is ok, but she doesn't answer.
Since Xavier was the last person to see the President alive, a lot of suits interview him. Agent Robinson -- the President's regular bedroom partner! -- wants to know if they spoke before his death.
Cut to last night. The President comes out of the bathroom and wants to sing with Xavier: "Another day for me and you in Paradise." Stop the song and go straight to the smooching. He sits on the bed and invites Xavier to join him: "Come on, sit down, have a drink. We never talk anymore." Stop the talking and go straight to the smooching.
"No, thank you, Sir."
"Wait -- you stopped calling me 'sir' a long time ago" And started calling him Snuggle-Bunny? Sensing that there is something wrong between them, the President asks"Will you ever be able to forgive me for what happened?" Did you cheat on him?
Scene 10: Flashback: Xavier in the President's Office, with the President looking dour, Sam, and a roomful of suits. He's being given information at the highest security level, which only a few hundred people in the world know. Remember what's going on in Colorado?
Left: Rafael Cabrera, who plays Malone. I don't know who that is, but then, I can't identify most of the suits yelling "I'm in charge!", "No! I'm more important than you!"; "You may outrank me in the NDRPDS, but I was in the R-16 Sector!"
Sceen 11: Back to the night of the President's murder. He asks: "Will you ever be able to forgive me for what happened?"
Xavier turns around and starts talking nonsequiters about his kids' names. His wife is from Memphis, and wanted Presley for the oldest. For the second, she saw James and the Giant Peach in a bookstore. She became obsessed with that book, and read it every night. Did you know that Roald Dahl originally planned on a giant cherry? Would his wife have wanted to call their second child James if the book was about a cherry, not a peach? He can't ask, because she's dead.
So this whole rigamarole was leading up to the Dead Wife Cliche? "So sure, I'll forgive you when I'm able to sleep again, and I'll be able to sleep again when you're dead " Obvious red herring. Xavier is paralyzed by depression; he couldn't kill anyone.
Scene 12: Cut to Xavier running through the quaint 1950s downtown, still in his white shirt and tie. Hey, the ducks in the town pond are mechanical! He takes out a box of blood-stained cigarettes. One is marked with 812092.
The sign behind him suddenly changes to "Dawn delayed by two hours for scheduled maintenance" Say what?
Back to the meeting where Xavier will get information that only a hundred people in the world. An extinction-level catastrophe is coming in the near future. So we're building an underground city in Colorado.
Wait -- why build a city under a giant dome? It would be more energy efficient to have regular ceilings, and just be inside all the time, as in "Fallout" or Robert Silverberg's "Time of the Great Freeze"
Beefcake: Not much.
Left: I couldn't find any n*de photos of the cast except backsides, but this guy looks like Cabrera.
Heterosexism: The Dead Wife is running through every single f*king scene.
Gay Characters: Lol, when I searched for "gay characters" in this series, the Google AI pointed at Xavier, who "starts the series in a downer mood" but becomes gay later. They meant cheerful! How retro!
It also says that the President's son Charlie is gay. I checked -- he's got a girlfriend. But he's pretty cheerful, har har.
At least there's a strong gay subtext between Xavier and the President, probably unintentional. But in 2025, I want more than "They're acting gay, har har."
Plot Twist: The President's murder plot could stand alone, but for some reason they shoved it into a ridiculous story about a giant underground city -- and sprung it on us as a last minute "tomato surprise."
My Grade: D.
See also: The Residence: Murder at the White House, with a gay President and suit guy d*cks
Jason Marsden: Second hottest of the Short Guy Brigade, Steve Smith, Max Goof, and Robin
No comments:
Post a Comment