I was born at the tail end of the Baby Boom, when 77 million people were growing up in the U.S., so I could just walk outside and find nine or ten boys my own age to play with. But today there are fewer kids, they live farther away, and parents are worried that if you go outside by yourself, you'll be grabbed by human traffickers or serial killers, so they arrange for you and a kid you barely know to go on a scheduled and heavily supervised "play date."
Scene 1: Ugh, the other Dad is Kevin James, star of Paul Blart Mall Cop, The King of Queens, and other mishegas that I've never seen but understand to be heterosexist, homophobic, and dumber than Adam Sandler. He plays lacrosse coach Brian, who puts his kid Lucas (Benjamin Pajak) into the game even though he's terrible and the other members hate him. That's called nepotism, buddy.
Blart convinces Lucas that he'll make a good play, walk across the field in slow motion as his teammates cheer, and impress girls. Meeting/ impressing/ winning girls as the only reason boys do anything, established at minute 2.3.
"I love you, Dad!" Lucas exclaims, but the homophobic Blart shushes him. You must never admit that same-sex love exists, not even the familial love of a parent and child. The proper expression is "I like you."
Lucas makes the play, but tries to walk across the field in slow motion, and the opposing team clobbers him. His teammates all hate him. Also, he's severely injured.
Left: Blart butt
Scene 2: Mom suggests that maybe Lucas isn't cut out for sports. "No!" Blart exclaims. "He is a boy! All boys are cut out for sports! By the way, what's taking him so long in the bathroom?"
He's being assaulted by a gang of bullies. Blart breaks it up, threatens to "kick the ass" of the head bully, then worries that his son thinks he's a coward for not going through with it. If you beat up a 14-year old kid, you'd have more than that to worry about.
Lucas notes that he's used to the assaults; it happens every day. Mom is horrified, and suggests calling the Principal, but Blart says the parents can't intervene. What is this, 1982? He has to get to work, but when he returns, they will figure something out.
Scene 3: At work, Frat Executive (Kurt Long), Insanely Handsome Frat Executive (Luke Greenfield) and a Sorority Ex, are cheering at a nature show, as a leopard kills an antelope. Boss Trent (Miles Fisher) calls Blart in and tells him to fix the numbers in that account. "But that would be fraud!" "Ok, you're fired." Wait -- we were introduced to all these characters for one scene? They won't appear again?
At home that night, Lucas is dancing for his parents. Mom says "Shake it, girl!" Blart is not happy; if the kid doesn't drop the sissy act, people might think he's gay or something. This guy is a total homophobe, and the year appears to be 1982.
Scene 4: Blart takes Lucas to the park to force his inner manliness with a game of football. He spies the super-buffed, effervescent Reacher, with biceps the size of cannonballs playing "lob football at the speed of sound" with his son, who looks like he can bench press his school.
Reacher talks Blart into a one-on-one and tackles him, resulting in gay panic. Meanwhile, CJ loves Lucas's hoodie and dance moves, and invites him home to see a tree that looks like Mark Ruffalo. Blart is scared of these people, but Reacher talks him into it.
Something is wrong here. Reacher is over-eager to be Blart's friend. His son CJ keeps glaring at him, and when he moves in for a hug, goes ballistic, punching, kicking, and biting. Is he being kidnapped?
Scene 5: They arrive at the house. Reacher hugs Blart tightly. Lucas: "Isn't Reacher super-strong and cool, and look how big he is?" Don't you hate it when your boyfriend is more interested in your Dad?
While Lucas and CJ are in the back yard smooching...I mean, dancing...Reacher gets even more creepy. He mentions a dead wife nonchalantly, but doesn't remember her name. Or what CJ stands for.
They go to lunch at Buckee Cheese's, where bad guys attack. Reacher manages to subdue them, but when they rush to the car and drive away, six or seven carloads of assassins give chase.
More after the break