I was born at the tail end of the Baby Boom, when 77 million people were growing up in the U.S., so I could just walk outside and find nine or ten boys my own age to play with. But today there are fewer kids, they live farther away, and parents are worried that if you go outside by yourself, you'll be grabbed by human traffickers or serial killers, so they arrange for you and a kid you barely know to go on a scheduled and heavily supervised "play date."
Scene 1: Ugh, the other Dad is Kevin James, star of Paul Blart Mall Cop, The King of Queens, and other mishegas that I've never seen but understand to be heterosexist, homophobic, and dumber than Adam Sandler. He plays lacrosse coach Brian, who puts his kid Lucas (Benjamin Pajak) into the game even though he's terrible and the other members hate him. That's called nepotism, buddy.
Blart convinces Lucas that he'll make a good play, walk across the field in slow motion as his teammates cheer, and impress girls. Meeting/ impressing/ winning girls as the only reason boys do anything, established at minute 2.3.
"I love you, Dad!" Lucas exclaims, but the homophobic Blart shushes him. You must never admit that same-sex love exists, not even the familial love of a parent and child. The proper expression is "I like you."
Lucas makes the play, but tries to walk across the field in slow motion, and the opposing team clobbers him. His teammates all hate him. Also, he's severely injured.
Left: Blart butt
Scene 2: Mom suggests that maybe Lucas isn't cut out for sports. "No!" Blart exclaims. "He is a boy! All boys are cut out for sports! By the way, what's taking him so long in the bathroom?"
He's being assaulted by a gang of bullies. Blart breaks it up, threatens to "kick the ass" of the head bully, then worries that his son thinks he's a coward for not going through with it. If you beat up a 14-year old kid, you'd have more than that to worry about.
Lucas notes that he's used to the assaults; it happens every day. Mom is horrified, and suggests calling the Principal, but Blart says the parents can't intervene. What is this, 1982? He has to get to work, but when he returns, they will figure something out.
Scene 3: At work, Frat Executive (Kurt Long), Insanely Handsome Frat Executive (Luke Greenfield) and a Sorority Ex, are cheering at a nature show, as a leopard kills an antelope. Boss Trent (Miles Fisher) calls Blart in and tells him to fix the numbers in that account. "But that would be fraud!" "Ok, you're fired." Wait -- we were introduced to all these characters for one scene? They won't appear again?
At home that night, Lucas is dancing for his parents. Mom says "Shake it, girl!" Blart is not happy; if the kid doesn't drop the sissy act, people might think he's gay or something. This guy is a total homophobe, and the year appears to be 1982.
Scene 4: Blart takes Lucas to the park to force his inner manliness with a game of football. He spies the super-buffed, effervescent Reacher, with biceps the size of cannonballs playing "lob football at the speed of sound" with his son, who looks like he can bench press his school.
Reacher talks Blart into a one-on-one and tackles him, resulting in gay panic. Meanwhile, CJ loves Lucas's hoodie and dance moves, and invites him home to see a tree that looks like Mark Ruffalo. Blart is scared of these people, but Reacher talks him into it.
Something is wrong here. Reacher is over-eager to be Blart's friend. His son CJ keeps glaring at him, and when he moves in for a hug, goes ballistic, punching, kicking, and biting. Is he being kidnapped?
Scene 5: They arrive at the house. Reacher hugs Blart tightly. Lucas: "Isn't Reacher super-strong and cool, and look how big he is?" Don't you hate it when your boyfriend is more interested in your Dad?
While Lucas and CJ are in the back yard smooching...I mean, dancing...Reacher gets even more creepy. He mentions a dead wife nonchalantly, but doesn't remember her name. Or what CJ stands for.
They go to lunch at Buckee Cheese's, where bad guys attack. Reacher manages to subdue them, but when they rush to the car and drive away, six or seven carloads of assassins give chase.
More after the break
Scene 6: They stop at a supermarket parking lot, where Reacher explains why he and CJ are being targeted: he was working security at a top-secret building. He wasn't supposed to go inside, but one night he did, and found CJ being held captive. He rescued the boy in a scene parodying The Bodyguard, and now they're on the run.
Meanwhile, CJ and Lucas get hopped up on sugary snacks and Liquid Psycho Energy Drink, with 1000 mg of caffeine. Screaming with power, they run through town -- and one of the bad guys finds them.
They run, and encounter the bullies, who reference CJ as Lucas' "girlfriend." Ok, now they're being homophobic. Not to worry, CJ annihilates them (for threatening his friend, not for the homophobic comment).
More cat-and-mouse in a parking lot, where Blart joins them. They almost get shot (I guess the bad guys want to kill CJ), and are rescued at the last moment by Reacher in a stolen car.
Scene 7: They hide with Brian, Reacher's "estranged deadbeat dad" in a retirement community, who insists that CJ must be Reacher's son: "You looked just like him when you were a kid." He has pictures of Reacher as a child to prove it. So CJ is really his son?
"Well, due to my emotional issues, I have slept with thousands of women...so..."
Scene 8: In the car, the boys are watching a movie, while the Dads try to figure out why the bad guys were keeping CJ captive. Reacher recalls when he was in the army, he was ordered to kill a teenage boy, and refused, so they court-marshalled him. His commanding officer (Hiro Kanagawa) told him "You're still my perfect soldier." How is this relevant?"So, did you know anybody in the top-secret facility, that we could interrogate for intel?"
Only a guy who looked like Zach Galifianak. "He couldn't get women, so he came to me for help on his dating apps. So I texted the girls for him, using my body in the photo. Why don't we pretend to be girls and draw him out?"
Scene 9: After some failed tries, they come up with a laid-back lady persona that the Zach guy agrees to meeet with. When he sees Blart in the hotel room, he moans "Not again!" Then the kids: "Nope, I'm not going to jail!" Tying him up and threatening to torture him doesn't work, but $100 does:he reveals that CJ is actually a clone of Reacher, modified to be faster, stronger, and smarter by genius inventor Simon Maddox (Alan Tudyk).
Uh-oh, the bad guys call and threaten to kill Blart's wife unless he brings them the boy.
Scene 10: Blart claims that he tracked down Simon Maddox. He leads them to a deserted factory in the desert, and bad guys with guns jump out everywhere. Simon appears, grabs the boy, and tells Reacher "Don't worry, he won't miss you. CJ is incapable of forming emotional connections. It's in his DNA."
CJ agrees. "I don't feel anything. I don't know what love is."
Lucas runs up and hugs him, and gives him his hoodie. Nope, no reaction. Or is he just pretending to not love Lucas so the baddies won't kill him?
They drive off. The mercenary hired to kill Reacher approaches, but Blart distracts him, and the three get away.
Scene 10: They return to the top-secret building, where a lot of CJ clones attack. Blart and Lucas escape, but Reacher is captured. His former commanding officer explains: He was a perfect soldier, but his kryptonite was empathy. So they cloned him into an army of super-soldiers, with the empathy gone. But they need to do one final test: Simon orders the original CJ, the one who spent time with Reacher, to shoot him with a crossbow.
Nope, CJ shoots Simon in the butt, and Blart and Lucas burst in to the rescue. Everybody hugs. Blart agrees to be Reacher's best friend. The four walks away as the facility explodes, incinerating the super-soldiers (wait -- couldn't they be rehabilitated?)
Beefcake: None.
Gay Characters: Lucas' femme/gay coding disappears after Scene 5, leaving only his buddy-bond with CJ, a single hug, and a scene where the boys are watching a movie, a woman takes her clothes off, and he looks disgusted. The main emotional connections come between the boys and their Dads.
Benjamin Pajak (left) played Winthrop in Broadway revival of The Music Man (2021), the title role in Oliver!, Sam Emerson in the musical version of The Lost Boys, and the young Harvey in the oratorio "I Am Harvey Milk!", about the assassinated gay rights leader. Doubtless he's gay in real life.
Heterosexism: Reacher can't go a sentence without discussing how many women he sleeps with. Simon Maddox, too.
Homophobia: Blart never learns to accept Lucas for who he is; instead, under CJ's tutelage, Lucas becomes more aggressive and macho. Moral: it's ok to be gay, but not femme. You've got to man up.
My Grade: Too many plot holes. Why did they give Reacher a job at the facility where his clones were being held? If there was a whole army of CJs, why did the original get a big, ornate bedroom? If they wanted CJ back, why did they try to kill him?
And I didn't care much for the dismissal of femme/gay boys. But at least there was a femme/gay boy. C.
Left: Not really Reacher
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