Time Freak: Skyler Gisondo and Asa Butterfield play boyfriends who get girlfriends

 

Time Freak (2018) stars Asa Butterfield as mild-mannered physics student Stillman, who is so oviously in love with his gay-subtext life partner Evan (Skyler Gisondo) that one wonders why he wants a girlfriend at all.  Oh, right, this is Hollywood.  Boy meets girl, and all that. 

Stillman is also in love with the Girl of His Dreams.  Problem: she just dumped him.  Does he man up and move on?  Stand outside her window with a boom box?  Nope, he and Evan build a time machine and go back to see where things went wrong. Dude, maybe you're just not compatible.

Maybe it was that double-date where you insulted the Girl's bffs (she has one of each, girl and gay guy).  So they relive the moment, and other similarly prescient moments, a bazillion times. Every argument, every mior disagreement has to be ironed out.   Wait -- he's basically conning this girl. How would you like it if someone kept re-arranging your life events without your permission?

Meanwhile, Evan meets the Girl of His Dreams and keeps using the time machine to redo every less-than-perfect moment.  Guess what?  They're all less than perfect.  

Stillman finally realizes that going back in time was a bad idea: people get hurt, they hurt others, life is life.  How profound!  He wants to destroy the time machine, but Evan wants to keep it.  They argue, break up, and reconcile.

They end up stuck in the past, having to relive the events that they've been playing all over again.  But if they let life happen and not worry about making it perfect, maybe they can relax and have fun.  Fade-out boy-girl kiss. Darn, I thought Stillman and Evan would finally recognize their love.

Beefcake: None.  These Asa Butterfield nude pics are from other movies.

Heterosexism: A double-dose of 1980s teen nerd Girl of His Dreams, completely drowning out the gay subtext romance.

Gay Characters:   Remember the Girl's gay bff, Ryan (Will Peltz)?  He gets a boyfriend, too, and he doesn't even have to use a time machine.

My Grade: C.  But here's a rear pic of Asa Butterfield. 

I'm not sure about this next one, so I'm putting it under a jump break

Cousin George: "Only fools wear pajamas"

I'm starting a new series of autobiographical stories with a Gemstone connection, mostly South Carolina or megachurch-related.  First up: Cousin George:

 
My Cousin George, son of my father's older brother, was just my age, tall and blond, with a hard chest, a thin belly, and a Southern drawl.  He lived in Walterboro, South Carolina, about 50 miles from Charleston but a thousand miles from Rock Island, so we visited only a few times during my chiildhood.  Usually my Grandma Davis took me down on the train.

What I remember most about my visits: the sizzling heat, the humidity, and the beefcake.  No one in South Carolina owned a shirt. I had never seen so many  muscular bodies.

And the racial diversity: Cousin George had friends who were Native American and Chinese, and even black (I never saw anyone black in heavily-segregated Rock Island).

We went fishing and crabbing, and  Cousin George warned me to avoid the "dead man's fingers" inside the crab shells that would turn you into "a goon."

We went swimming in the warm salty Atlantic Ocean.

At night Cousin George and I took our baths together together in scalding-hot water, and then slept naked together under thin sheets -- "only fools wear pajamas," he insisted.

When I was 13, Grandma Davis got sick, and the train-visits stopped.  We didn't stay in contact.  Occasionally my father would tell me something about his three older sisters, but he never mentioned Cousin George.  Apparently my uncle never mentioned him. Was he dead, or disinherited, or a disappointment?

Lukas Haas: from gay hustler to militia man

Lukas Haas has been a Hollywood icon for over 40 years. He starred in some of the classic films of our childhood, like Witness (1985),  Lady in White (1988), and Mars Attacks! (1995).

Although his main focus has been indie doomed-romance-with-women movies, he has played several gay characters, generally of the angst-ridden, tragic-ending sort.

In Johns (1996), he plays a hustler who falls in love with a coworker (David Arquette) who insists that he's not gay, then is murdered.

In Last Days (2005), based on the last days of singer Kurt Cobain, he has a romantic relationship with Scott Patrick Green.  The Cobain-character dies.

In Meth Head (2013), he takes crystal meth and destroys his life, in spite of his partner's attempts to save him.

In Widows (2018), he has sex with ladies, but at least you get to see his bare butt.

And you can't convince me that Chuck Montgomery in The Righteous Gemstones is straight.  

His friendship with Leonardo DiCaprio has sparked gay rumors, but Lukas has made no public pro- or anti-gay statements.

See also: Leonardo DiCaprio: Nude photos of Rimbaud, Howard Hughes, the Great Gatsby, and Elijah Wood's good buddy.

Ian Winningkoff, and his teen idol costars and fellow Grease alums

History of the World, Part II: Homophobic jokes and gay subtexts during the Civil War. Plus Nick Robinson nude.

 

History of the World, Part I (1981) was a Mel Brooks vehicle involving sketches parodying various historic periods, from the Stone Age to the Spanish Inquisition, featuring nearly every comedian in the business.  To the infinite confusion of audiences, no Part II was intended.

Until 2022, when Part II appeared as a tv series on Hulu, again (mostly) produced, written, directed, and narrated by the 96 year old Mel Brooks.  Many more historic eras are parodied, but I'm going to review only the Civil War.

Episode 1: 1865. In the waning days of the War, President Lincoln asks the drunken Ulysses S. Grant (Ike Barinholtz, below) to take charge of his son, Robert Todd (Nick Robinson): the 22-year old Harvard student has been begging to enlist, and now that the war is nearly over, he can do so safely. This is historically accurate: Robert Todd did serve on Grant's staff for several months in 1865.  But he was a "dandy," and Lincoln was gay; both are closeted here. 

Every soldier in Virginia has been ordered to deny Grant alcohol, so he decides to take RT on a "dangerous mission."

"I would follow you to the gates of Hell," RT says. Awww, how sweet.

"It's worse than that.  We're going to West Virginia."  Har, har. 

Episode 2:  In Rock Ridge, West Virginia, stylized as an Old West town out of Blazing Saddles, RT and Grant try to fit in because "They don't like our kind." He means Yankees, of course, but.... In  a tavern, we get a shot of the two holding hands as they both look at the same menu.  That's a queer code.

Their cover is blown when Grant tries to use Union currency, and his face is on the bill!  Grant is on the $50 bill today, but of course he wasn't during the Civil War. "We hate Yankees!"  The scene dissolves when a Red Sox fan starts to complain (the baseball team opposed to the New York Yankees).  

The mob (led by Gemstones alum Scotty McArthur) leads them out to be hanged. Actually, West Virginia was almost entirely Union-occupied through the war.

Episode 3: Three expendable Union soldiers  (top photo) are sent to rescue them. Lt. Henry Honeybeard (Tim Baltz), being white, is made their leader.  The others are the black Mason Dixon (Tyler James Williams) and the Native American Mingoes  (Zahn McClarnon, left).  As they leave, we see two pairs of legs protruding from a tent (guys having sex, har har).  

They are all dumb as a stump, and can't figure out which way West Virginia is. They end up the Underground Railroad, which is actually a subway run by Harriet Tubman, going the wrong direction.

More gay subtexts after the break

"Where you go, I will go": A Kelvin/Keefe romance

 

Kelvin stood in the South Corridor, facing Keefe, holding both his hands. "You don't have to do this if you don't want to," he said. "If it's too much, nobody will care. It can just be Judy and BJ."

"No, Brother," Keefe told him. "I want to." Still calling me Brother! Kelvin noted with a smile.

He heard Judy and BJ giggling on the other side of the hall. Everything was so easy for straight people! You go on a date, you kiss, you go upstairs and have sex. Easy.  You walk hand in hand without worrying about being attacked. You announce your engagement, and no one yells that you're destroying society. When you are gay, and Christian, and a Gemstone, everything is hard. It took a life-or-death crisis to say "I love you." The first time they held hands was an emotional triumph. And this might not necessarily be a joyous occasion. 

"I want to do this, too," Kelvin said, so loud that the security guard at the south entrance stared. "I don't think I've wanted anything more."

"Showtime!" Jesse exclaimed, pointing toward the sanctuary. One last kiss, and Kelvin took his place just behind Jesse, on his right side. Judy walked on his left side. The partners followed a few steps behind. Ushers would guide them to their marks, stage left and stage right.

They walked onto the main stage, smiling, waving, as if they were about to perform a song. The congregation rose and applauded. If they looked at their program, they would see "Commitment Ceremony," but nothing else. Would they think he was marrying his sister?

He looked around. Quadruple security. Photographers at the ready. Dang it, did Jesse call the press? No picketers in the back, no one snarling, ready to pull out a gun. He glanced at stage right, hoping to see Keefe, if only for an instant, but the lights were too bright.

Jesse raised his hands to quiet the audience, and Kelvin and Judy took their places at center left and right, facing away from him. "Partners, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives," he began.  "Spouses, soul mates, better halves.  Whatever you want to call them. They are the first person we see in the morning, the last person we see at night. They will be the last person we see before we go to meet Jesus."

Gulp! Hopefully he wouldn't be meeting Jesus today!

More after the jump break

School of Rock Episode 1.7: Keefe in drag, a gay stereotype kid, a homophobic kid, and Demi Lovato, sort of.

 

Some 13 years after School of Rock (2003), a teencom version premiered on Nickelodeon: School of Rock (2016-2018), with Tony Cavalero playing Dewey, a failed musician turned middle school teacher with a special interest in winning the "Battle of the Bands."

 In 2016 Nickelodeon was still promoting the "all kids are heterosexual" myth, so I doubt that there is any LGBTQ representation. But I'll review Episode 1.7, where Dewey dresses in drag as a scary Goth lady. .

Scene 1: Four kids and Dewey performing, while the others in the classroom watch -- from behind them?   Dewey explains that rock is about showmanship more than music: strut your stuff!  Freddie (Ricardo Hurtado, top photo) does a guitar zing.  Lawrence (Aidan Miner, below) demonstrates that he can play the keyboard with his butt, so Dewey calls him "Lawrence von Butthoven."  Emphasizing one's butt is a queer code.  Summer (Jade Pettyjohn, who will befriend Kelvin and Keefe in RG Season 1) has her face painted onto her tambourine. Lead singer Tomika is hiding.  

Dewey demonstrates the signature moves of Mick Jagger and  Miley Cyrus (a rock musician?).  Zack (Lance Lim, not the naked guy) asks him not to twerk. It would be too erotic for middle school, anyway, but interesting that the boy emphasizes that he definitely doesn't want to see a man being erotic.  He's apparently got a problem with gay men.

Scene 2: Dewey wants to know why Tomika was hiding during practice: she's embarrassed by the funny faces she makes while performing. He points out that her favorite singer, Demi Lovato, is shy in real life, but when she goes on stage, she becomes a confident rocker (these guys have a different definition of "rock").

To boost her confidence, Dewey claims that he knows Lovato and will call and tell her all about Tomika.  Whoops, he's doesn't even know who Demi Lovato is!  He's in trouble now!

Scene 3: Zack and Freddie ooze with horniness over Tomika's new style.  Lawrence thinks they're talking about him (gay joke, har har): "Thanks.  I went with my Superman underwear today."

"We can't actually see your underwear."  Would things be different if you could see it, guys?

Scene 4:  Dewey teaches science, too.  The textbook says that he was wrong: lightning is not caused by two angels having a fistfight.  I'm sure he was joking. After five seconds of science, they scoot the desks aside and start practicing. The newly confident Tomika wants them to play Demi Lovato's "Heart Attack."  

Lawrence asks if it's cool for dudes to like Lovato (that is, does liking Lovato mean that you're gay?).  They assure him that it's fine (e.g., heterosexual).

Tomika tells the band that Dewey and Lovato are besties, and hang out together all the time.  "Sure, when she's in town," Dewey says, hoping that she's far away.  Of course, she happens to be in town, playing the Texas Memorial.  This show is set in Texas?  Ugh, I spent the worst year of my life in Hell-for-Certain, Texas.  That's enough to get a F grade.

The band pleads with Dewey to get Lovato to listen to them play.  Like, sure, even if they were friends, the big star wouldn't want to spend her time off reviewing a middle school band.  She'd want to see the sights, if there are any in...ugh, Texas.

Scene 5: Dewey at Lovato's hotel, trying to bribe the desk clerk with "a prescription for fungal medicine."  Lawrence happens to be staying there; he's on his way to a couple's massage -- with his Mom.  "Gay men are all in love with their mother." Rather a homophobic queer code, but I'll take it.

Scene 6:  Tomika has turned aggressive and demanding: they've practiced the song 15 times, but it's still not good enough.  Plus their outfits and props look like they belong in a middle school.  Well, to be fair, Lawrence doesn't actually play his keyboard.  He just mashes his hands down on several keys at once.   

They try it with disco ball motorcycle helmets, Tomika emerging from a barrel of ink, and a wind machine that destroys everything.  Instantaneous props!  I'm in a 1950s sitcom.  Tomika screams that they're not worthy of her great song.

More after the jump break

J. Gaven Wilde and the Stalker: How many pervs can one small town hold?

 

I heard that J. Gaven Wilde wrote, directed, and stars in a movie about a cannibal stalking South Carolina.  It might be interesting to see the work of a young screenwriter, so I looked it up:  Stalker (2020) on Amazon Prime.  Or so I thought....

Scene 1: A scary brutalist office building.  Bad boss Steve (Chad Ayers) calls his wife with an scheme to get out of their financial problems: fire Marc and steal his bonus!  We don't see Marc's face or hear his voice as Steve tells him that a woman filed a sexual harassment complaint against him, so he's fired.  Wait -- wouldn't Marc contact human resources, which would want to interview the woman, and Steve's story would fall apart instantly?

As Marc storms out, Steve chortles with glee over his villainy.  

Scene 2: One year later, Thursday.  Steve's wife Wendy drives up to their elegant Tudor house and finds a vase of flowers on the front porch: "To my love, see you soon!"  Steve comes in, and she demonstrates her latest self-defense move.  This will be important later.

Steve wants to know who brought the flowers. "But...I thought you...no, no, no!"  Wendy calls the police to report some guy who's been leaving notes on her car and sending her flowers.  But he never threatens her, so there's nothing they can do.

She sees a flashlight outside, grabs a gun, and rushes out to shoot and kill -- the meter reader!  The Stalker calls: "Did you think it would be that easy?  Our fun has just begun!"  He examines a photograph of the family.

Scene 3:  These are bad dudes, not the least remorseful over killing an innocent man.  They simply load the body into the trunk to dispose of.  Whoops, their teenage sons, Hayden (Jimmy Ace Lewis, left) and Josh (J. Gaven Wilde, below), want to know what's going on!  

"We're going to the lake house.  Load up the luggage, but not in the trunk!" 

Scene 4: The Stalker breaks into a house where a scruffy guy (Leon Lewis) has fallen asleep in front of the tv, and smothers him to death.  I guess so he'll be close to Steve and Wendy's lake house.  Definitely not the guy who was fired in Scene 1. He'd be going after Steve, not harassment-flirting with Wendy.

Not-fun fact: If  you search for "Leon Lewis" on Google, you get a thousand pictures of a half-naked woman.  Who knew that Leon was a girl's name.

Meanwhile, Steve and Wendy arrive at the lake house, send the kids inside, and go off to bury the hapless meter reader in the woods. 

Scene 5: Friday. An interminable shot of the lake and a mailbox. Wendy cooks breakfast: scrambled eggs and nothing else.  Ugh! You get a better free breakfast at Holiday Inn.  The boys want to know what they are doing at the lake house. "Having fun. Shut up."  But Hayden is missing a big party, and Josh is missing a big soccer  game. "Tough. You're not going."

Scene 6: An interminable aerial shot of the town. Pizza Perv (Troy Fromin, who is apparently heterosexual) leaps out of his car, licks his hair, and holds the door of the Donut King open for Wendy.  He trots in after her, smells her hair, and photographs her butt.  Instead of punching him, Wendy promises to order from his pizza place for dinner.  She gets a call from the cable guy, and gives him her address loud enough for Pizza Perv to write it down. Not a suspect -- the stalker already knows where she lives, and besides, he's as dumb as a fence post. Why steal her address when she'll give it to him when she orders the pizza?

She orders two dozen donuts -- six each!  

Scene 7: Josh, the younger son, goes next door to invite Mr. Walker (the dead guy) to dinner.  The Stalker left him there instead of disposing of the body.  He even left the tv on.  No answer, so Josh leaves, and the Stalker peers out from behind the blinds.  Darn, I thought he would attack Josh.

Meanwhile, Cable Perv (Jared M. Reeder) knocks on the door, looking for Wendy.  Steve is suspicious, but he explains that he is the cable guy. 

 Still creepy, though: he congratulates Steve on landing such a "nice lady,"  fondles her photograph, and asks "So you and the boy are gone all day, leaving the beautiful lady alone, snark snark."  Is every guy in town absurdly over-creepy?  How do they keep their jobs?

Scene 8:  Josh, the younger son, is canoeing by himself. Always take a buddy, dude.  Uh-oh, a perv is watching him.  He runs home, terrified.  His parents dismiss his concerns: "It was just a deer."  Wait, you know you're being stalked, but you don't believe that your kid is being watched?  I'm getting more annoyed with these people than I was at the murder. 

Scene 9: Wendy actually orders a pizza from the Pizza Perv who smelled her hair and photographed her butt. He tells his associates "Don't wait up," certain that he's going to get laid.  

Meanwhile, a buddy is on the phone with Hayden, the oldest, trying to convince him to duck out and come to the party.  "There will be girls there!"  Teenage boys do everything in order to meet or impress girls, got it.  The buddy will even come and pick him up.  Isn't it like, hours away?

When Pizza Perv knocks on the door, the boys answer.  But he will only give the pizzas to Wendy, because she wants his bod.  Wendy is actually nice to him, but shuts the door before he can get around to requesting sex. 

More after the break

Kevin from Work Episode 1.2: Keefe plays a creepy gay guy who's jealous of Noah Reid's boyfriend

 

Kevin from Work (2015-2016) stars Noah Reid as a nebbish who's been in love with a female coworker for years, but too chicken to say anything.  He thinks he's being transferred to Italy, so he expresses his love in a grand gesture before leaving forever.  Whoops, the transfer falls through.  Now they have to continue working together...awkward!

 Episode 1.2 features Tony Cavalero as a creepy gay guy.

Scene 1:  Kevin gets a ride to work with his best friend, gym rat Brian (Matt Murray, below).  He asks about Don (Tony Cavalero), the guy in the back seat who is leering at him and invading his body space.  

Brian explains: "When you left me for Italy, I had to look after myself.  You made me turn to the internet to find a friend. You search 'fit man seeking man,' you're going to find some crazy stuff."   

The viewer is expected to interpret "crazy stuff" as "gay men," and sympathize with Brian.  Creepy gay guys responded!  He must have been horrified!  But he doesn't mean that: some of the guys who answered were not as fit as they claimed to be.  And you thought he meant gay men,

Creepy Don in the back seat points out that he and Brian are a good match, because he has only 2% body fat. "What's your body fat percentage, Kevin?"  Jealous, Don?

Kevin ignores him. "I thought I saw Audrey!  Go around to the back!"  We get a montage of his awkward close encounters.  "I could have lived a happy, fulfilled life if only I hadn't told her that I loved her!"  

Scene 2: When Kevin catches a ride with Brian the next day, Creepy Don isn't there. "He's at his mom's. I'm supposed to pick him up in an hour. We're going to the driving range, and then he's going to take me to his orthotics guy (foot doctor)."  Rather a random series of events for Date Night.   

Actually, Brian needs a way out: he isn't interested in Creepy Don anymore, now that Kevin is back: "You're my 100%."  Awww.  Now how do they dump the rebound boyfriend?

Scene 3: Brian brings Creepy Don into the office, and asks Kevin, "Explain to him that we are reunited, and his friendship services are no longer required."  That's not what you said in bed last night, Dude. 

He continues: "You and I got a bond stronger than any friend matching website can calculate." 

Kevin tries to negotiate the Brian-Creepy Don breakup: "Sometimes people make choices, and they second guess, and they don't mean to hurt your feelings, but it just happens."  But he's looking at Brian, who asks "Do you mean it?"  Awww

Realizing that he's being dumped, Creepy Don protests: he and Brian are soul-mates, and besides, Kevin left him.  You don't get a second chance.

But the guys are adamant that they belong together.  

Don: "It's clear to me that I'm not going to be able to break up what you guys have, so could you add a third?"  He wants a three-way romance?

Nope. "That's another website." Wait -- why couldn't they add a third person to their friend group?  It's not like they're boyfriends, right?

Gay Subtext: The Brian-Kevin friendship is being framed as a romance for a joke, but the guys lack physical attraction and exclusivity.  They refuse to add Creepy Don to their friendship group, but the whole series is about Kevin being in love with someone else. 

Gay Character:  Creepy Don is jealous of Kevin.  He does not respect heterosexual men's body space. He wants an exclusive relationship with Brian, but he will accept a three-way.  This all suggests that Don is gay, either in the script or as presented by Tony Cavalero.  The other guys don't express any discomfort with having a gay friend, but the "creepy" presentation still strikes me as troubling.

Cavalero would go on to play Keefe, Kelvin's boyfriend on The Righteous Gemstones.  Noah Reid (Kevin) would go on to play Patrick, David's boyfriend and eventual husband on Schitt's Creek.  Sort of ironic.

See also: Schitt's Creek: Quirky small town in Canada (but don't tell anyone)

I Don't Want to Pretend that We're Just Coworkers: Starring Bert and Ernie, Patrick and David, and Kelvin and Keefe

Braxton Alexander, Model: Concentrate on the face, not the physique, until he's finished bulking up

 

You remember Braxton Alexander as Trent, the boy young Judy was crushing on in the Righteous Gemstones Season 3 Interlude.  He was repulsed by her vulgar come-ons, plus she refused to move her hair off his desk, so he cut some off.  She retaliated by destroying his saxophone, and later a disguised Jesse came in to assault him, shave his head, and display his bare butt and dick to the school. 

Braxton has a whole section on his professional website devoted to The Righteous Gemstones.  That episode was his favorite to date.  

But he has also been very busy with modeling.  He has spreads in fashion magazines from Canada, Europe, and the U.S., such as  Vous,  Roidx, Gmaro,  and  Naluda.  

No beefcake shots -- Braxton was only sixteen years old at these shoots.  Besides, he seems to be working more with face than physique.

He does have some muscular friends, however.

More Brax after the break

"The Out-Laws": Adam Devine has a crush on Pierce Brosnan. Don't you?

If I'm checking Adam Devine's work for gay subtexts, I'm going to have to review The Out-Laws sooner or later, regardless of its embarrasingly low Rotten Tomatoes score.  It features Reyn Doi, who played a gay kid on That 90's Show, as a “weird and interesting looking boy famous for ribbon dancing to weird music.” Maybe he'll be gay in this movie, too.

Scene 1: This is amazing: a diorama of a wedding reception featuring miniatures of every cartoon and sci-fi character you have ever heard of: Beavis and Butt-head, E.T.,  The Human Fly, Ren and Stimpy, Gumby, a Teletubby.  Owen (Adam Devine) explains to his fiancee Parker (a girl) that each character matches a real guest's personality.  His horrible parents are Skeletor and Medusa.  

She wants to know which figure he is.  "He-Man, of course."  To demonstrate the resemblance, he shakes his butt and frontside (no underwear for our boy!).

"This is the man I'm going to marry," she says with a resigned sigh.  I take that you didn't choose Owen for his goofball personality, girl?  It must have been the cock and balls bouncing around. 

"By the way, let's start the plot moving: my parents can come to the wedding after all."  He gets all excited; they smooch. It's a heterosexual rom-com.  Get used to it.

Scene 2:  Owen 's parents, Skeletor and Medusa, criticize his fiancee ("She is not a stripper!  She owns a very successful yoga studio!"), his choice of wedding venue, and finally him ("You're becoming weird, Owen!).

Cut to work. He is the youngest manager in the history of Sunshine Bank!   After polishing his photo and booping its nose, he faces his work buds.  They complain that he never dated anyone before, and now suddenly he's engaged.  What's wrong with her?  Why does one of the most handsome men on Earth play so many guys who can't get laid?  You can only stretch willing suspension of disbelief so far.

First crisis: Gary has locked himself in the vault again, even though there's an emergency exit lever right there. 

Security guard buddy Tyree (Lil Rel Howery) tells  Owen that the manager of the competing bank called him a "dickless troll" "I tried not to laugh, but it was fucking hysterical, imagining you without a dick."  Now try imagining him with a dick.

Scene 3:  Dinner at a hibachi restaurant with Owen, his parents, his cousin, his grandmother, a teenage girl, and a little boy.  They grill Fiancee Parker on being a stripper.  "I'm a yoga instructor!" she protests.  Cousin RJ (Blake Anderson from Workaholics) has become an EMT; he wants to give Owen a ride in his ambulance and flatline him so he can visit their grandpa, who died of...well, figure it out for yourself.  It's dirty.

Owen needs some pictures of Parker's parents for his next creative project, but she doesn't have any, so he calls the owner of their storage facility to ask to be admitted to the McDermott locker.  There are two pictures of shirtless guys on the bulletin board behind him.  The storage guy is gay!  

The storage guy calls a Scary Rich Lady to notify her that someone asked about the locker.   She takes Owen's name, then deals with the issue of a guy selling her fake diamonds -- by shooting him! Uh-oh, Owen is in over his head. 

Later, while getting ready for bed (no beefcake), Owen and Fiancee Parker discuss the logistics of her parents' visit: they'll arrive the night before the wedding, and so on. Owen puts in his retainer, but then realizes that his girl wants to smooch and spits it out.  She definitely was attracted by his genitals, not by his goofiness.  Their foreplay consist of her fondling his earlobes or something.

Scene 4:  Owen comes into the house with groceries, talking to Parker on his phone: "I got that tofu you like." "Yeah, I like my tofu like I like my men: real hard."  Me too, girl.   She continues that "Tonight I'm going to twist you up like one of those Go-Gurts and slurp you dry."  Ok, I like to imagine Adam getting oral sex as much as the next guy, but that sounds painful.  

He begins singing about how tonight they're finally going to bone.  Wait -- they sleep in the same bed. Why wouldn't they have....? 

 Her parents are in the house, watching!  Surprise -- they're 1980s mega-stars Pierce Brosnan (Billy) and Ellen Barkin (Lily).  Who didn't have a crush on Brosnan's lovable rogue on Remington Steele?

After decking him in self-defense and informing him that they aren't burglars, Mom Lily wants a hug, and Dad Billy kisses him - right on the mouth!  "You kiss just like Parker!"  Owen exclaims, not entirely displeasd.

Parker comes in.  The parents act batshit crazy, threatening Owen and then backing off with "I'm joking." Wait -- is Parker doing a long con, pretending to be in love with Owen so her confederates can rob his bank?

Scene 5:  Wine, weird art-project presents, and their meet-cute story: Owen enrolled in Parker's yoga class, and passed out in the child-position, butt in the air.  She thought he was dead. "So you asked her out?"  "No, I stayed in the class for a year and a half, then she asked me out."  That's a very long con.  Parker must be unaware of her parents' career path.

Cut to Owen making breakfast the next morning.  Parker can't get anyone to cover her class, so  Owen has to entertain her parents.  

They discover that Owen doesn't like his butt grabbed: "It scares me."  So of course they all have to do it.  This will become important later.

Scene 6: Owen has some fun activities planned: a South American pottery exhibit, followed by the Holocaust Museum (it has a great food court). But they're up for skydiving, with Owen attached to Dad Billy's body: "I'm not going to pull the cord until you convince me that I should let you marry my daughter."  I'd be calling that wedding off the minute we hit the ground.  

Owen: "I love her!  I dog sit!  I tip 20%!  I'll never have sex with her! Pull the cord!" Billy: "That's my cock, you idiot!"  Geez, Owen, at least wait until you land.

Next up: a tattoo parlor, but Owen is too sensitive for more than one prick.

Next: a bar.  Owen gushes about how cool Dad Billy is.  Even his smell!  "You're so lucky you get to have sex with him," he tells Lily.  Maybe if you ask him nicely, he'll invite you to join in. 

Billy runs into the Scary Rich Lady, and assures her that Owen is an idiot.  He has no idea what's going on.  

Scene 7:  Next day?  Owen at work, praising Billy to high heaven. Just ask him out, Dude.  You won't be the first guy to dump a girl for her Dad.

Suddenly two robbers burst in, their faces covered, their voices disguised.  They force Owen to the bank vault.  Somehow they know about his vocal security bypass (he has to sing "She left me roses by the stairs.")  

Owen recognizes Billy's distinctive scent!  The robbers are his in-laws!  On the way out, they call Owen by name and toss him the ink-packet, blasting him with pink dye.  

Scene 8: While the police take statements, Owen remembers that he was bragging about being bank manager yesterday, and he told Lily the code!  Uh-oh, they will think he's in on the robbery.  Then Parker arrives -- with her parents.  

They tag along while Owen is interviewed by an FBI Agent.  Of course, he can't say anything with the two bank robbers right there. The Agent ask how they knew the access code.  Owen starts crying. 

Scene 9: On the way home, the Parent/Outlaws force Owen to sit between them.  He is terrified.  

At home, he showers, then calls his security guard bud Tyree for advice: "Don't do anything.  First, they'll kill you.  Second, you gave them the codes; you're the mastermind!"

Left: Pierce Brosnan's butt.

Next, he tries to tell his own parents, but they're clueless.  He suggests they do their speciality of asking highly invasive personal questions when they all have lunch. 

I'm out of room, so I'll stop there.

Beefcake: None.  But Owen talks about his penis a lot.  In case you haven't seen it lately, here's a close up.

Heterosexism: Owen and Parker smooch 30,000 times.  What do you expect in a rom-com caper?

Gay Characters: Maybe the Storage Guy.

 Reyn Doi appears in one scene, as the entertainment at the Scary Rich Lady's house.  Scary Lady explains that he is "like the Kanye of the former Soviet Bloc."  Not enough screen time to determine if the character is gay. 

Gay Subtext:   Big time, although the scene in the top photo is from another movie. Owen has quite a crush on Billy, even kissing him.  Billy backs away in surprise, and Owen explains: "Well, you kissed me when we first met," "Yes, but I didn't use tongue."  I wouldn't be surprised if Adam was actually playing Owen as bi.

My Grade: Simplistic plot, but the one-liners and physical comedy made the movie much funnier than I expected from the reviews. Adam Devine appears to be made of rubber, and he will do anything for a laugh.  It's like watching an old-time silent movie comedian like Buster Keaton. The gay subtext was a plus, but points off for the lack of overt LGBTQ representation.  B+.

See also: Bumper in Berlin

Why Him?: Adam Devine hooks up with Griffin Gluck over discussions of jizz

Workaholics Episode 5.5: Penis jokes and buddy bonding at a gay pride party

Finally, Danny McBride Nude

 

I've delivered nude photos of Tony Cavalero, Adam Devine, Tim Baltz, and who knows how many other guys from The Righteous Gemstones, but I've skipped over Danny McBride.  I guess it just never occurred to me that anyone would want to see his body parts.  He strikes me as exceptionally unattractive, but that's just me.  Readers wanted to see cock, balls, and butt, so they'll get to see his cock, balls, and butt.

The man likes his beer.  That must be an extremely uncomfortable bath.

In Eastdown and Out, Danny plays a foul-mouthed, racist, homophobic washed-up baseball player.  Who covers his crotch while hanging out nude.  A lot more hair than in the beer bathtub.

Here he's reputedly in the locker room, displaying his crotch.  I'm not sure I believe it: this guy is more hirsute than the previous.

In Vice Principals, we get a shot of Danny's character in the shower.  He's been sunning in a Speedo.

The Nude Male Celebrity site said that this was Danny McBride in the midst of a same-sex liaison.  I doubt it, but if it's him, he'd have to be on the bottom.

And a full-body nude shot.

"Isn't It Romantic?" Adam Devine and Liam Hemsworth as romcom hunks

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Since the 1990s, when movies began including gay character who weren't villains or victims, the standard romcom model gives the focus girl a gay bff.  He doesn't actually do anything gay, like check out hot guys or look for a boyfriend; he just swishes about, offering witty or catty comments and advising the girl on whether she should choose the rich jerk or the down-home boy.

Isn't It Romantic (2019) parodies the genre: under-appreciated, overweight architect Natalie (Rebel Wilson) thinks that she is unworthy of love.  Her assistant  claims that her best friend Josh (Adam Devine) is in love with her, but Natalie  doesn't believe her.   Wait -- Adam's Bumper was dating Rebel's Fat Amy in Pitch Perfect 1-2.  Way to keep it in the family, guys.  

So, Adam has corpulent girlfriends or potential girlfriends in Pitch Perfect 1-2, Isn't It Romantic, and The Righteous Gemstones (I  don't care what he told Keefe, Kelvin was dating Taryn).  And probably other works, too.  I don't have any first-hand experience, but I have heard that corpulent women are often considered unattractive.  Adam is one of the most attractive men on the planet.   Are we supposed to find the juxtaposition funny?

Back to Natalie: after being hit over the head, she awakens in a  world where everyone plays different roles, sort of like Dorothy's experience in The Wizard of Oz.   She lives in a huge upscale apartment. Everything on the street is bright and shiny.  The women are all supermodels, the men chiseled hunks (left: Hugh Sheridan as one of several "Cute Guys").  People burst into heavily choreographed songs at random movements.  The downside: Natalie can't have sex, because the scene always cuts from the kiss to the next morning.

 

Soon realizing that she is trapped in a romcom, Natalie reasons that the only way to get home is to let the plot play out, and choose between two potential boyfriends.  Her choices are: Blake, a sexy Australian billionaire (Liam Hemsworth, top photo  and left), and Josh (Adam Devine), a boy-next-door who is dating supermodel Isabella.

To make things more complicated, her assistant is now an arch-nemesis, and her surly neighbor Donny (Brandon Scott Jones) is now her fluttering, flamboyant gay bff.   Blake doesn't work out, so obviously boy-next-door Josh is the one.  She tries to invade his wedding with a grandiose gesture out of The Graduate, and fails.  But it's a happy ending, anyway, because she realizes that she doesn't need a man to be fulfilled.

Natalie clicks her ruby slippers, and zap!  She's back home.  But this is a romcom world, too, so she starts a relationship with the now-single Josh.  Another happy ending, people.  You get two for the price of one.  But doesn't it negate the whole "you don't need a man" message?

I don't mind the flamboyance of the gay bff, since he's a parody of romcom conventions.  Besides, he gets a boyfriend of his own (Bowen Yang).  And both of them are gay in real life.

By the way, Liam Hemsworth took off his clothes in Episode 5.1 of Workaholics, playing the guys' new, driven coworker.

See also: The Treasure of Foggy Mountain: Enough beefcake or queer codes to make subscribing to Peacock worthwhile?