Time Freak: Skyler Gisondo and Asa Butterfield play boyfriends who get girlfriends

 

Time Freak (2018) stars Asa Butterfield as mild-mannered physics student Stillman, who is so oviously in love with his gay-subtext life partner Evan (Skyler Gisondo) that one wonders why he wants a girlfriend at all.  Oh, right, this is Hollywood.  Boy meets girl, and all that. 

Stillman is also in love with the Girl of His Dreams.  Problem: she just dumped him.  Does he man up and move on?  Stand outside her window with a boom box?  Nope, he and Evan build a time machine and go back to see where things went wrong. Dude, maybe you're just not compatible.

Maybe it was that double-date where you insulted the Girl's bffs (she has one of each, girl and gay guy).  So they relive the moment, and other similarly prescient moments, a bazillion times. Every argument, every mior disagreement has to be ironed out.   Wait -- he's basically conning this girl. How would you like it if someone kept re-arranging your life events without your permission?

Meanwhile, Evan meets the Girl of His Dreams and keeps using the time machine to redo every less-than-perfect moment.  Guess what?  They're all less than perfect.  

Stillman finally realizes that going back in time was a bad idea: people get hurt, they hurt others, life is life.  How profound!  He wants to destroy the time machine, but Evan wants to keep it.  They argue, break up, and reconcile.

They end up stuck in the past, having to relive the events that they've been playing all over again.  But if they let life happen and not worry about making it perfect, maybe they can relax and have fun.  Fade-out boy-girl kiss. Darn, I thought Stillman and Evan would finally recognize their love.

Beefcake: None.  These Asa Butterfield nude pics are from other movies.

Heterosexism: A double-dose of 1980s teen nerd Girl of His Dreams, completely drowning out the gay subtext romance.

Gay Characters:   Remember the Girl's gay bff, Ryan (Will Peltz)?  He gets a boyfriend, too, and he doesn't even have to use a time machine.

My Grade: C.  But here's a rear pic of Asa Butterfield. 

I'm not sure about this next one, so I'm putting it under a jump break

Cousin George: "Only fools wear pajamas"

I'm starting a new series of autobiographical stories with a Gemstone connection, mostly South Carolina or megachurch-related.  First up: Cousin George:

 
My Cousin George, son of my father's older brother, was just my age, tall and blond, with a hard chest, a thin belly, and a Southern drawl.  He lived in Walterboro, South Carolina, about 50 miles from Charleston but a thousand miles from Rock Island, so we visited only a few times during my chiildhood.  Usually my Grandma Davis took me down on the train.

What I remember most about my visits: the sizzling heat, the humidity, and the beefcake.  No one in South Carolina owned a shirt. I had never seen so many  muscular bodies.

And the racial diversity: Cousin George had friends who were Native American and Chinese, and even black (I never saw anyone black in heavily-segregated Rock Island).

We went fishing and crabbing, and  Cousin George warned me to avoid the "dead man's fingers" inside the crab shells that would turn you into "a goon."

We went swimming in the warm salty Atlantic Ocean.

At night Cousin George and I took our baths together together in scalding-hot water, and then slept naked together under thin sheets -- "only fools wear pajamas," he insisted.

When I was 13, Grandma Davis got sick, and the train-visits stopped.  We didn't stay in contact.  Occasionally my father would tell me something about his three older sisters, but he never mentioned Cousin George.  Apparently my uncle never mentioned him. Was he dead, or disinherited, or a disappointment?

Lukas Haas: from gay hustler to militia man

Lukas Haas has been a Hollywood icon for over 40 years. He starred in some of the classic films of our childhood, like Witness (1985),  Lady in White (1988), and Mars Attacks! (1995).

Although his main focus has been indie doomed-romance-with-women movies, he has played several gay characters, generally of the angst-ridden, tragic-ending sort.

In Johns (1996), he plays a hustler who falls in love with a coworker (David Arquette) who insists that he's not gay, then is murdered.

In Last Days (2005), based on the last days of singer Kurt Cobain, he has a romantic relationship with Scott Patrick Green.  The Cobain-character dies.

In Meth Head (2013), he takes crystal meth and destroys his life, in spite of his partner's attempts to save him.

In Widows (2018), he has sex with ladies, but at least you get to see his bare butt.

And you can't convince me that Chuck Montgomery in The Righteous Gemstones is straight.  

His friendship with Leonardo DiCaprio has sparked gay rumors, but Lukas has made no public pro- or anti-gay statements.

See also: Leonardo DiCaprio: Nude photos of Rimbaud, Howard Hughes, the Great Gatsby, and Elijah Wood's good buddy.

Ian Winningkoff: From "Sulphur Springs" to "Grease," with some teen idol costars and hunky Danny Zukos

"Where you go, I will go": A Kelvin/Keefe romance

 

Kelvin stood in the South Corridor, facing Keefe, holding both his hands. "You don't have to do this if you don't want to," he said. "If it's too much, nobody will care. It can just be Judy and BJ."

"No, Brother," Keefe told him. "I want to." Still calling me Brother! Kelvin noted with a smile.

He heard Judy and BJ giggling on the other side of the hall. Everything was so easy for straight people! You go on a date, you kiss, you go upstairs and have sex. Easy.  You walk hand in hand without worrying about being attacked. You announce your engagement, and no one yells that you're destroying society. When you are gay, and Christian, and a Gemstone, everything is hard. It took a life-or-death crisis to say "I love you." The first time they held hands was an emotional triumph. And this might not necessarily be a joyous occasion. 

"I want to do this, too," Kelvin said, so loud that the security guard at the south entrance stared. "I don't think I've wanted anything more."

"Showtime!" Jesse exclaimed, pointing toward the sanctuary. One last kiss, and Kelvin took his place just behind Jesse, on his right side. Judy walked on his left side. The partners followed a few steps behind. Ushers would guide them to their marks, stage left and stage right.

They walked onto the main stage, smiling, waving, as if they were about to perform a song. The congregation rose and applauded. If they looked at their program, they would see "Commitment Ceremony," but nothing else. Would they think he was marrying his sister?

He looked around. Quadruple security. Photographers at the ready. Dang it, did Jesse call the press? No picketers in the back, no one snarling, ready to pull out a gun. He glanced at stage right, hoping to see Keefe, if only for an instant, but the lights were too bright.

Jesse raised his hands to quiet the audience, and Kelvin and Judy took their places at center left and right, facing away from him. "Partners, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives," he began.  "Spouses, soul mates, better halves.  Whatever you want to call them. They are the first person we see in the morning, the last person we see at night. They will be the last person we see before we go to meet Jesus."

Gulp! Hopefully he wouldn't be meeting Jesus today!

More after the jump break

School of Rock Episode 1.7: Keefe in drag, a gay stereotype kid, a homophobic kid, and Demi Lovato, sort of.

 

Some 13 years after School of Rock (2003), a teencom version premiered on Nickelodeon: School of Rock (2016-2018), with Tony Cavalero playing Dewey, a failed musician turned middle school teacher with a special interest in winning the "Battle of the Bands."

 In 2016 Nickelodeon was still promoting the "all kids are heterosexual" myth, so I doubt that there is any LGBTQ representation. But I'll review Episode 1.7, where Dewey dresses in drag as a scary Goth lady. .

Scene 1: Four kids and Dewey performing, while the others in the classroom watch -- from behind them?   Dewey explains that rock is about showmanship more than music: strut your stuff!  Freddie (Ricardo Hurtado, top photo) does a guitar zing.  Lawrence (Aidan Miner, below) demonstrates that he can play the keyboard with his butt, so Dewey calls him "Lawrence von Butthoven."  Emphasizing one's butt is a queer code.  Summer (Jade Pettyjohn, who will befriend Kelvin and Keefe in RG Season 1) has her face painted onto her tambourine. Lead singer Tomika is hiding.  

Dewey demonstrates the signature moves of Mick Jagger and  Miley Cyrus (a rock musician?).  Zack (Lance Lim, not the naked guy) asks him not to twerk. It would be too erotic for middle school, anyway, but interesting that the boy emphasizes that he definitely doesn't want to see a man being erotic.  He's apparently got a problem with gay men.

Scene 2: Dewey wants to know why Tomika was hiding during practice: she's embarrassed by the funny faces she makes while performing. He points out that her favorite singer, Demi Lovato, is shy in real life, but when she goes on stage, she becomes a confident rocker (these guys have a different definition of "rock").

To boost her confidence, Dewey claims that he knows Lovato and will call and tell her all about Tomika.  Whoops, he's doesn't even know who Demi Lovato is!  He's in trouble now!

Scene 3: Zack and Freddie ooze with horniness over Tomika's new style.  Lawrence thinks they're talking about him (gay joke, har har): "Thanks.  I went with my Superman underwear today."

"We can't actually see your underwear."  Would things be different if you could see it, guys?

Scene 4:  Dewey teaches science, too.  The textbook says that he was wrong: lightning is not caused by two angels having a fistfight.  I'm sure he was joking. After five seconds of science, they scoot the desks aside and start practicing. The newly confident Tomika wants them to play Demi Lovato's "Heart Attack."  

Lawrence asks if it's cool for dudes to like Lovato (that is, does liking Lovato mean that you're gay?).  They assure him that it's fine (e.g., heterosexual).

Tomika tells the band that Dewey and Lovato are besties, and hang out together all the time.  "Sure, when she's in town," Dewey says, hoping that she's far away.  Of course, she happens to be in town, playing the Texas Memorial.  This show is set in Texas?  Ugh, I spent the worst year of my life in Hell-for-Certain, Texas.  That's enough to get a F grade.

The band pleads with Dewey to get Lovato to listen to them play.  Like, sure, even if they were friends, the big star wouldn't want to spend her time off reviewing a middle school band.  She'd want to see the sights, if there are any in...ugh, Texas.

Scene 5: Dewey at Lovato's hotel, trying to bribe the desk clerk with "a prescription for fungal medicine."  Lawrence happens to be staying there; he's on his way to a couple's massage -- with his Mom.  "Gay men are all in love with their mother." Rather a homophobic queer code, but I'll take it.

Scene 6:  Tomika has turned aggressive and demanding: they've practiced the song 15 times, but it's still not good enough.  Plus their outfits and props look like they belong in a middle school.  Well, to be fair, Lawrence doesn't actually play his keyboard.  He just mashes his hands down on several keys at once.   

They try it with disco ball motorcycle helmets, Tomika emerging from a barrel of ink, and a wind machine that destroys everything.  Instantaneous props!  I'm in a 1950s sitcom.  Tomika screams that they're not worthy of her great song.

More after the jump break

Finally, Danny McBride Nude

 

I've delivered nude photos of Tony Cavalero, Adam Devine, Tim Baltz, and who knows how many other guys from The Righteous Gemstones, but I've skipped over Danny McBride.  I guess it just never occurred to me that anyone would want to see his body parts.  He strikes me as exceptionally unattractive, but that's just me.  Readers wanted to see cock, balls, and butt, so they'll get to see his cock, balls, and butt.

The man likes his beer.  That must be an extremely uncomfortable bath.

In Eastdown and Out, Danny plays a foul-mouthed, racist, homophobic washed-up baseball player.  Who covers his crotch while hanging out nude.  A lot more hair than in the beer bathtub.

Here he's reputedly in the locker room, displaying his crotch.  I'm not sure I believe it: this guy is more hirsute than the previous.

In Vice Principals, we get a shot of Danny's character in the shower.  He's been sunning in a Speedo.

The Nude Male Celebrity site said that this was Danny McBride in the midst of a same-sex liaison.  I doubt it, but if it's him, he'd have to be on the bottom.

And a full-body nude shot.

"Isn't It Romantic?" Adam Devine and Liam Hemsworth as romcom hunks. Guess which gets the girl?

  

Since the 1990s, when movies began including gay character who weren't villains or victims, the standard romcom model gives the focus girl a gay bff.  He doesn't actually do anything gay, like check out hot guys or look for a boyfriend; he just swishes about, offering witty or catty comments and advising the girl on whether she should choose the rich jerk or the down-home boy.

Isn't It Romantic (2019) parodies the genre: under-appreciated, overweight architect Natalie (Rebel Wilson) thinks that she is unworthy of love.  Her assistant  claims that her best friend Josh (Adam Devine) is in love with her, but Natalie  doesn't believe her.   Wait -- Adam's Bumper was dating Rebel's Fat Amy in Pitch Perfect 1-2.  Way to keep it in the family, guys.  

So, Adam has corpulent girlfriends or potential girlfriends in Pitch Perfect 1-2, Isn't It Romantic, and The Righteous Gemstones (I  don't care what he told Keefe, Kelvin was dating Taryn).  And probably other works, too.  I don't have any first-hand experience, but I have heard that corpulent women are often considered unattractive.  Adam is one of the most attractive men on the planet.   Are we supposed to find the juxtaposition funny?

Back to Natalie: after being hit over the head, she awakens in a  world where everyone plays different roles, sort of like Dorothy's experience in The Wizard of Oz.   She lives in a huge upscale apartment. Everything on the street is bright and shiny.  The women are all supermodels, the men chiseled hunks (left: Hugh Sheridan as one of several "Cute Guys").  People burst into heavily choreographed songs at random movements.  The downside: Natalie can't have sex, because the scene always cuts from the kiss to the next morning.

More after the break

Keefe's Capacious Cock: Where does Tony end and the prosthetic begin?

 

Adam Devine has starred in lots of movies and tv shows about hapless dudebros who have their cock or butt put on display as a form of humiliation, but Tony Cavalero didn't have many starring roles before Keefe, so no humiliation nudity.  All I found from his pre-Gemstone work was Ozzy Osbourne sticking a dollar bill up his butt in The Dirt, and this photo from Tony's instagram, nude with a cat sculpture covering his privates.

The Righteous Gemstones has given us a bit more.  In Season 2, Keefe appears in a jockstrap several times, notably as he is preparing to try the cross-raising challenge.

Keefe does some splits on the ground to warm up the crowd, and coincidentally to present himself as an erotic object.  Oddly, he appears to be a bottom.  In Season 3, he is totally a top.

Other than the single testicle and the mushroom head, the only cock shot comes in Episode 1.9, when Keefe is immersed in an isolation tank at Club Sinister, and "regressing to a transitive state."  

Why is his cock exposed? Why is he aroused?   Some viewers speculated that it is for the pleasure of the partygoers, but they'd have to splash through a milky liquid to get to it.  Maybe just for its aesthetic appeal.

Cavalero said in an interview that the cock was "mostly" him.  You can't stay aroused during an entire lengthy take without a fluffer, so they would need a prosthetic for the arousal.  

But where does the prosthetic end and Tony begin?

I guess you'll have to ask someone who has seen him aroused in real life, like his wife Annie, or Adam Devine (long story).  Or see if he has any openings for a fluffer.

See also: Keefe's Capacious Cock, Part 2: The Mushroom Head

Tony's Hot/Hung Photos,Part 1: Boner pills, Death Water, dildos, and "Why the hell not?"

Tony's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 2: A leather jock strap, an isolation tank, and honeymoon with the hubbie

The Dirt on Motley Crue (with cocks but no lady parts)

 

I have never heard any of the songs of the 1980s band Motley Crue, but I've heard their names and a lot of gossip.  Did Tommy Lee post a home-made porno that showed his enormous cock?  Did he date Barbara from One Day at a Time?  Did Ozzy Osbourne bite the heads off bats?  Did Lisa Simpson play Nikki Six on a parody episode of The Simpsons?.  Were any of them gay?

Other than Google, there's one way to find out: watch the biopic The Dirt on Netflix.

Scene 1: The narrator tells us that the 1980s was the worst fucking decade in human history.  

Wait -- I loved the 80s,  at least the last half.  I was a young adult,  living in West Hollywood, the heart of the gay world. Sunday brunch at the French Quarter.  Sunday afternoon beer busts at the Faultline.  Cruising at Mugi.  The Different Light Bookstore. The Greenery. 

Just indulge me.  I'll get to back to the review in a moment.

Madonna.  Prince.  Michael Jackson. Laura Branigan  Dynasty.  Moonlighting. Who's the Boss.

Lunch with Michael J. Fox.  Coffee with Richard Dreyfuss. An Oscar party with Keanu Reeves. John Amos naked at the gym. AIDS Walks.  Christopher Street West.

Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive, but to be young was very heaven!

Oh well, back to what the narrator hated about the 80s: preppies, keyboards, stupid haircuts, jazzercise, "Just say no."  Well, the Reagans were pretty vile. 

 "So we four misfits made the fucking decade ours by going to Whiskey A-Go-Go."  Five blocks north of my apartment in West Hollywood, but I never went because it was reputedly way homophobic.  Also it was up a very steep hill.

"And then bringing the party back to our place,"  Endless male-female couples smooching.   

He introduces the misfits:

1. Tommy Lee (Colson Baker, top photo), who demonstrates how to do oral sex on a lady (yes, we see her privates).

2. The narrator, Nikki Six (Douglas Booth), who has set his arm on fire (wait -- I thought Nikki Six was a girl).  

3, In the bathroom, Vince Neil (Daniel Weber, left) is fucking a girl (we see her breasts)

4. Mick Mars (Iwan Rheon) is sleeping. 

That's all four.  Where's Ozzy Osbourne? He must join the band later.  

Back in the main party, a woman who has been getting cunnilingis pees explosively,  Or does something else.  I don't know what comes out of lady parts, and I don't want to know.  I've seen more of them in the last five minutes than in the last 20 years, and it is not pleasant.  I'm out.

I resort to Google after the break