"American Sports Story": Football player turned murder, with evangelical homophobia everywhere
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Gemstones Episode 1.1: Kelvin is in love with a Goth boy, Judy with an atheist, and Gideon with the Devil. Plus nude dudes from Chengdu
I figured that we would have Righteous Gemstones Season 4 by now, or at least a cast list to profile, but nothing so far, so let's do some more Season 1 reviews.
Episode Title: Same as the series, "The Righteous Gemstones." Danny McBride has not commented on the origin, but in the Book of Exodus, Aaron's breastplate contains twelve gemstones, representing the twelve tribes of Israel, and in Ephesians, we are told to "put on the Breastplate of Righteousness." Maybe some Evangelical preachers make the connection, and apply Christian virtues to the twelve gemstones. Maybe someone in McBride's childhood even called them "righteous gemstones."
Who is More of a Man?: Chengdu, in southwestern China. Beneath an advertisement for "24 Hours of Saved Souls," a woman is singing in Mandarin, while hundreds of people file into a swimming pool to be baptized by missionary Eli Gemstone (Dan Conner of Roseanne) or his adult children. Jesse, the oldest (Danny McBride of Vice Principals), complains that his brother Kelvin (Adam Devine of Workaholics) is dipping the converts too far, getting water in their noses. Kelvin disgrees. Suddenly someone turns on waves and disco music, people lose their footing, it's chaos!
Left: Fireman from Chengdu. Or somewhere in China, anyway.
The Gemstones return home, and are greeted by Martin, Eli's chief accountant and right-hand man, and his secretary Judy, the third Gemstone child, who complains that she didn't get to go, even though she learned "Ni hao" (Hello). Jesse argues that missionary work is for only men, and she counters: "I'm more of a man than Kelvin is." Jesse agrees. Is this a gay reference?
The three men are chauffeured, in three identical cars, through a huge estate with a golf course, amusement park, and private police force. Ok, Eli is not a missionary; he has a televangelism empire like Jimmy Swaggart's
They are dropped off at their houses. First Eli, greeted by a staff of 15 women. Then Jesse, greeted by his wife, Amber, and children, Pontius and Abraham. Then Kelvin, greeted by no one. So his plot arc will be about finding someone.
Kelvin and the Vampire: Kelvin walks into his game room, and starts sorting his mail. Suddenly a half-naked man appears in the doorway, lowering from a sit-up bench like a vampire rising from his coffin -- next to an Egyptian mummy case. This is the Land of the Dead.
He says "Hello, friend," more threat than greeting.
Kelvin: "You scared the bullcrud out of me!"
Left: At the gym
The Vampire: "I'm sorry, man. I'd like to keep your bullcrud in." Another reference to butts.
Kelvin didn't like China: "Jesse was riding me the whole time, fully up my butt." Second butt reference, this one alluding to anal sex.
Kelvin asks for a hug. Keefe reluctantly approaches. "So happy you're home," he whispers.
He continues to criticize Jesse for not "letting me be me."
Is this a reference to Kelvin being gay? Will he come out during this season, or is he already out?
After a bro fist-bump, Kelvin asks (his friend has not yet been named, but we'll call him Keefe) how the housesitting went.
It went fine. Keefe slept in Kelvin's room one night, "But it felt odd, so I slept the rest of the time here on the couch." The huge house must have a dozen guest rooms. Why the couch?
Kelvin: "Hey, man, you do not need to feel odd sleeping in my bed. I told you you could." Is he easing Keefe into the idea of sleeping with him, so sex can happen by "accident"?
Keefe didn't like being in Kelvin's room: "The energy in there is just unsettling. It's lonely" Very insightful. He can sense Kelvin's loneliness. There's no one in his life, no friends, no romantic partner. He doesn't realize it yet, but he is, in the words of Dag Hammarskjold, "screaming for love." .
Kelvin thanks him for looking after the place: "Home-run friendship." Keefe is appreciative: "I know not everybody wanted me here." House-sitting? Why would the family care?
Timeline problem: Keefe was a Satanist before he and Kelvin met. Maybe Kelvin even brought him to Christ. How long have they known each other? In a future episode, Keefe's Satanist friends wonder why he hasn't been around lately, so just a few weeks. But there's a faded 666 tattoo on Keefe's chest. Laser tattoo removal takes 6-10 sessions, scheduled 6-8 weeks apart. Did Keefe start the removal long before he met Kelvin, or did the writers goof? .
Keefe decides to return to his apartment: "I'm pretty bushed. Gonna go soak in a tub. " It's the middle of the day! You haven't seen your friend in a week or so. Why don't you want to stick around? Are you worried about things heading in a direction you're not ready for?
"No, man!" Kelvin pleads. "Let's stay up late, play some video games, smash some Pixie Sticks." Staying up past your bedtime? Eating sugar? Are you planning a sexual encounter or a junior high sleepover?
Keefe refuses politely. "That sounds good, but I really need a soak...I like to turn it up real hot." A sexual double-entendre. Keefe is overtly excluding Kelvin from his erotic life, saying "I'm going to have sex, but you're not invited."
As the hug ends, Kelvin looks devastated. He is desperate for some kind of physical connection, but Keefe is leaving. He's so flustered that he can't even return Keefe's "Night-night" properly.
Kelvin seems to be pushing for a sexual relationship, but Keefe isn't sure. He's been saved (converted) for only a few weeks. He might find Kelvin attractive, but the power differential is enormous, and maybe he's been abused by clergy before. It's best to reject overtures that sound too sexual, play it cool, and see what happens.
Nude Chengdu dudes after the break
Steve Bond: Tarzan costar turned Playgirl model turned soap hunk, all in the steamy 1970s.
The October 1975 issue of Playgirl featured several nude photos of model/actor Steve Bond. They quickly became the most famous male nude photos in the world (not counting those of Christopher George)
Not because of his size beneath the equator, though he was huge.
Because of the contrast.
The last time anyone had seen Steve Bond, the 14-year old Israeli actor, born Schlomo Goldberg, was making his screen debut: he played Erik in a Tarzan movie (1968) with Mike Henry.
Seven years makes a big difference.
After one or two more guest roles, Steve went back home to Israel, finished high school, and completed his mandatory military service. Now he was in L.A. again, ready to hit the big time. The nude photos came at a moment of desperation, when he was flat broke
Unfortunately, posing in your birthday suit was still controversial in 1975, and Steve found it difficult getting the attention of casting directors. During the next decade, he played some street toughs, some sexploitation studs, a Chippendales dancer, and a forest ranger investigating some teen murders (in The Prey, 1984).
He showed his butt a lot, but only when he was sexing naked ladies.
Finally, hoping that the nude pictures were long forgotten, he landed one of the defining roles of his career, redneck Jimmy Lee Holt on General Hospital (1983-87).
No such luck. In 1985, an eagle-eyed editor at Playgirl discovered the old photos, and reprinted them. Steve was devastated. What would happen when the General Hospital producers found out? Would he be fired?
Answer after the break
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