Showering with Portuguese boys at a church conference in Switzerland

 

When I was sixteen years old, I was selected to join 500 Nazarene teenagers from around the world in Fiesch, Switzerland for our World Youth Conference

It was like Nazarene summer camp, with daily sermons, Bible studies, jump quizzes, and seminars on soul-winning, except we had afternoons and one full day off for field trips and sightseeing  We could go out on our own, but:
1. Don't talk to the locals.
2. Don't set foot in any Catholic church.
3. Be back by 7:00.

But every good Nazarene knows how to bend the rules.

"I'm sure the rules don't apply if we're going to save souls," my friend Annette, a delegate from Idaho, exclaimed.  "We're in a country full of Catholic and Reformed Church sinners.  Wouldn't it be great if we could plant the seeds of a mighty revival and win Switzerland for the Lord?"

Overbrimming with the "Faith in God can move a mighty mountain" and "If you ask anything in My Name, that will I do" mantras,  we decided to go soulwinning in the Belly of the Beast, the most evil, depraved site imaginable, a Catholic church!

But not in Fiesch -- we figured that would be well-traveled territory.  On our free day, we packed several copies of the Gute Nachricht Bibel, a English-German phrase book, some snacks, and a change of clothes, and took the train 2 hours south to Zermatt a famous tourist town at the base of the Matterhorn. Our guidebook led us to the St. Mauritius Church, which dates from 1285.  We marched inside to bring the Gospel to the idolators.

It was a Thursday morning at 10:00 am.  It was empty.

Disappointed, we stood around outside, waiting for a Catholic to come by so we could start a soul-winning conversation.

Soon two cute black-haired teenagers came by, wearing backpacks.  One was tall and slim, the other more compact and muscular, but they looked so alike that they must have been brothers.

Well, cute boys are as good as Catholics.  Annette, who had taken first year German, started the ball rolling: "Entschuldigen, aber sie hören,die gut Nachricht dein Jesus Christ?"  (A bad attempt to say "Have you heard the Good News of Jesus Christ?".)

They stopped, grinning, and consulted in a language I didn't understand.  "Keine Deutsch," the taller one said.

"English?" I asked.  "Francais?"

"Oh, Americanos!" the short, compact one exclaimed.  "Michael Jackson. Beat it...beat it...beat it..."  He gyrated his hips

They were 17-year old Joao (the tall one) and 15-year old Lucio (the compact, muscular one).  But we didn't get much more from their effusive conversation in their unknown language. Later I discovered that it was Portuguese -- I was taking advanced Spanish, but I didn't understand more than a word here and there.

We ended up strolling down Schluhmattstrasse with them, Annette and Joao in the front, me and a grinning Lucio  in the rear.

Lucio kept grinning at me and talking nonstop in incomprehensible Portuguese, interspliced with fragmentary English: ("You Chicago?  Al Capone big gun, yes?").

It was great fun getting so much attention from a cute guy with a compact, muscular frame.  I wouldn't figure "it" out for another year, but still, I kept wondering what he looked like naked.  Was he cut or uncut?  Was he hung?

Somehow we ended up waiting 20 minutes to get on a gondola weaving its way up the mountainside.

A gondola is a small car suspended by a cable as it sways 1000 feet above the ground.

I was terrified!  I clung to Lucio, who wrapped a muscular arm around me and grinned.  I felt his hard chest beneath my hand, smelled his cologne, and couldn't help fondling a bit.  He hugged me tighter.  "No afraid, yes?  I....I...uh...save."

But we had only reached Furi, the first cable car station.  There were three more to reach the top!  No way!  Instead we stopped at a restaurant for fried eggs, sausage, a kind of hard cheese, and hot chocolate, and conversation about "Rambo!  He very muscle, yes?  You like?"

Annette tried to explain that as Christians, we didn't go to movies, but they didn't understand.

Then there was nothing to do but ski down, walk down, or take the gondola.  In the flat Midwest, we don't learn to ski, and there was no way I was getting on that gondola again!

More Nazarene Youth Conference after the break

Christian Boeving: Fitness expert turned porn star turned movie monster. With a newly added butt shot

 

With a name like Christian Boeving, you expect someone from Belgium or the Netherlands, but in fact the bodybuilder was born in Dallas, Texas, and grew up in Missouri.  He began posing for muscle and fitness magazines at the age of 18, and is one of the most photographed people in the world, appearing on over 400 covers to date.

He's also a fitness writer, consultant, and spokesperson for bodybuilding supplements, though he has lost status in the industry after admitting that he had been using steroids since age 16.

He broke into show biz with a gay porn video, Posing Strap (1994) and a tv pilot, the aptly named Muscle (1995).  

Guest roles in a number of tv series and movies followed, usually roles requiring musclemen: Prey, Nash Bridges, Malcolm in the Middle, and Sheena.

He also continued his porn career in the gay Coverboys (1996) and the softcore straight Andromina: The Pleasure Planet (1999).  

Although Christian starred in a man-mountain "let's rescue someone in Southeast Asia" movie, When Eagles Strike (2003), his most important roles have been in sci fi and fantasy:  The monster Grendel in Beowulf: Prince of the Geats (2007);  Jack Stone in Apocalypze Z, aka Zombie Disaster (2013); Andre in Legend of the Red Reaper (2013).

More recently he has appeared in Bane: The Series, which seems to be about a DC Comics character, and Knight's End, which stars Kevin Sorbo. 'Nuff said.

I don't care for his social media sites.  Too many photos of Christian with half-naked women, too many dirty jokes, and some of...this stuff.  A guy holding a giant American flag doesn't necessarily eat at Chick Fil-A and watch Fox and Friends, but....

Very explicit photos after the break

Accident Man: Hitman's Holiday: The hitman gets a boyfriend, not a girlfriend! With two dick pics but no kiss

 

Almost all movies in general, and 100% of action-adventure movies with male leads, feature a heterosexual romance.  It's as if the car chases and ninja fights are just there to distract the teenage boys in the audience while they are being brainwashed with "girls are the meaning of life!"  So when the trailer of Accident Man: Hitman's Holiday showed not a single boy-girl kiss, I knew I had to investigate.

Scene 1: After what happened in London, hitman Mike needs a place to cool off, so he settles in Malta: "the sun always shines, the beer flows freely, and the Middle East, Europe, and North Africa are just a puddle-jump away."  He didn't mention girls!  He didn't mention girls! In 100% of these movies, they tell us that the third thing is "hot girls," but he didn't!   

Scene 2: He returns to his palatial apartment, grabs a beer, and is attacked by a ninja lady.  They fight for quite a long time, destroying his stuff.  Finally he calls a time-out: "You're paid to smash me up, not the apartment."  "Well, say the safe word sooner." If she is his girlfriend, I'm leaving.  Sometimes they trick you by leaving the kisses out of the trailer, but sneaking in a hetero-romance anyway.  

Mike explains: she's the best martial artist in the world.  He saw her working as a waitress ia dive bar., beating up rowdy types, and offered her a job breaking in at random times to beat him up.  No sex scene! 

Scene 3:  Mike muses that he deserves a beating after he what he did to his mates back in England. He deserves to be alone: "no one to let me down or get in my way."

That night, he runs into his friend Fred, who specializes in retrofitting household objects to kill, setting some toughs on fire.  See, he's in love with a girl he met online.  After he sent her 50 grand, she vanished.  But one of his associates spotted her at a bar in Malta, so here he is.

Scene 4: Mike invites Fred back to his place to hide from the cops.  He tries to explain about internet scams.

Scene 5: Mike goes to work on his next job: an old guy who never leaves his apartment.  But he does go out onto his balcony to water his flowers, so.... a bouncing head, and Mike inviting Fred to stay on as his assistant: "there are a lot of people who need killing in this corner of the world."

Montage of the guys playing pool, sleeping in separate rooms, working on a job, and laughing, with the background song telling us: "It's a romance, it's a fine bromance/ It's a beautiful thing, it's a real cool thing/ Buddies won't let you down."

Mike: "For the first time in a long time, if you saw my face, you might actually think I was happy."

Scene 6: The next job involves Fred pretending to be a woman and offering the target a blow job, so he can get into position for the hit.  Wait -- Mike kills him before Fred even gets his cock out of his pants!  "Dang it, Mike, you cut up on a bit of fun!!  He was a good kisser, though."  Maybe Mike will let you suck him, to make up for it.

Scene 7: The guys move into a new headquarters, with space to experiment with new killing techniques. 

Cut to Ninja Lady attacking.  Fred complains that they would get more work done if Mike didn't have to get beat up after every job.  "Couldn't you just crank one out?" Nope, masturbation doesn't alleviate the guilt.  If killing people makes you feel guilty, maybe you chose the wrong carer path. 

Ninja Lady offers to help Fred look for his missing girlfriend, and Mike gets all jealous. "It's a scam, I'm telling you.  Forget about her."

Scene 8: Next job: Fred calls the target on the telephone, so he'll be in the right position for the ceiling to collapse, and the bath tub from the apartment above him to crush him.  His m.o. is making the hits look like accidents!

Scene 9: Uh-oh, the guys are kidnapped by Armando.  Mike insults him, and gets beat up.  Armando: "We made you and your knickyknacky (boyfriend) very wealthy! Show some respect!" Then the big boss, Mrs. Zuuzer, The Wrath of Hades, introduces them to her son Dante:  He was educated in the best schools, but he still turned into a "pathetic drug addled delinquent mess."  

Last week someone tried to kill him, using Mike's m.o. of colorful, weird "accidents."  The guys have an alibi: they were out celebrating Mike's birthday.

Ok, so she wants to Mike find whoever put the contract out, and kill them.  Mike offers to take the job for three times the usual rate, but she has a better idea: if you fail, we'll kill your boyfriend. Saving a boyfriend, not a girlfriend?  I'm in.

More gay subtexts after the break