Researching Sebastian Stan: Is he a guy with a facial anomaly, an over-inked rocker, a homophobic superhero's sidekick, a closeted politician..

I am cruising around my usual "nude celebrity" sites when I come across this rear view of someone named Sebastian Stan. 

Never heard of him, but the backside looks nice. What does he look like from the front? 

 

Not what I expected.  But does he have a facial anomaly, or is he playing a someone with a facial anomaly?

Turns out that this is a still from  A Different Man, 2024: Stan is playing an  actor with a facial anomaly who undergoes a medical procedure to give him a conventional appearance, but his life is horrible afterwards.

Meanwhile his friend Oswald is perfectly happy with his facial anomaly, and gets the Girl.  

Oswald is played by Adam Pearson, who has an atypical appearance in real life due to neurofibromatosis, which causes non-cancerous tumors to appear on his face.  He's appeared as himself in some documentaries and a cooking show, and starred in two movies where women choose him over more conventional types.  Come to think of it, that's usually the plot of movies about men with facial anomalies.

Left: I found a bigger dick shot, but he's all wrapped up in a girl, literally.

So what doe Stan look like in real life?

Ulp.  Hideous.  I'd definitely choose Adam Pierson.

Psych!  He put on hideous-makeup to star in Pam & Tommy (2022), about the romance between Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee.  They were famous at one time, but I don't remember what they did that was noteworthy.

Wikipeida: Tommy Lee was the lead musician for the heavy metal band Motley Crue.  Pamela Anderson showed her stuff in Playboy.

More research reveals the real Stan without the facial anomaly or hideous-rock-star makeup.  A generic, forgettable leading-man face. No wonder I never heard of him.

Next step: determining if he's gay. When I search for "Sebastian Stan" and "gay," I get that he's homophobic and he's Donald Trump.

WTF? I know this guy is not Donald Trump.

 

Stan is mores famous for playing Captain America's sidekick Bucky Barnes in six movies and two television shows in Marvel Cinematic Universe movies.

But he's not the gay-subtext sidekick of the 1940s comics, who required constant saving from Nazis, mad scientists, cultists, and monsters, followed by a fade hout hung. 

According to the fan wiki, this Bucky is only buddies with Cap for a few moments during World War II.  Then he's trapped in the snow and eventually rescued by the Soviets, who brainwashing him into taking out threats like John F. Kennedy and T'Chaka (king of Wakanda, where stupidnameium comes from).  Eventually he's cured, makes amends, and fights in the Infinity War.

He gets a new boyfriend in the tv series The Falcon and the Winter Soldier: Sam Wilson, aka the Falcon, played by Anthony Mackie.

More research: the showrunners state that they had no intention of suggesting anything "dirty" between the two superheroes.  Mega-homophobe Anthony Mackie became incensed at the idea, and Stan insisted that he would never, ever, ever do such a disservice to the legacy character.

More after the break

Gemstones Season 1 Memes: Kelvin bottoms, Gideon falls in love, and Keefe checks for semen loads

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Tyler Hynes: Atreyu and the "Amazon" teen graduates to Christmas romcoms with gay characters. Plus Andrew Lincoln's dick

Tyler Hynes (the one with the red hat) starred in six romcoms in 2024.  That's got to be a record.

Shifting Gears. Tyler and a female mechanic are competing in the big car restoration show.  Guess what happens.

Holiday Touchdown: A woman tries to win the Kansas City Chiefs' Fan of the Year contest, while falling in love with Tyler,.  At Christmas.

The Groomsmen: First Look.  "Groomsmen" are the attendants of the groom who stand with him at the wedding.  Here they are Tyler Hynes, Jonathan Bennett, and BJ Britt.  

At the wedding, BJ Bulge...I mean Britt...meets the Woman of His Dreams, but they are separated for reasons.

The Groomsmen: Second Chances.  This time the second groomsman, Jonathan Bennett, is in love with Alexander Lincoln (left), and proposes at another wedding.  

Yep, a gay couple.

I originally called his dick a Lincoln log, but no one understood the joke.

The Groomsmen: Last Dance.  The third groomsman, Tyler, falls in love with a struggling cafe owner, a woman this time, in Italy.  I assume there's a wedding.

Three Wiser Men and a B*y.   It looks like Tyler, with the moustache, and Paul Campbell, the one with the limp wrist cuddling with him, are a gay couple, but they're all brothers.

I don't know if Paul Campbell's character is gay or not.  Maybe the limp wrist is just a misdirection.

It's a sequel to Three Wise Men and a Baby (2022), with TYler and Paul helping Andrew Walker (left), when he finds a baby on his doorstep.  Now his adopted son is in kindergarten, and they have to help him with the big Christmas pageant.  At age 5?.

As far as I can tell, none of them fall in love, but their mother does.

Wait -- who am I profiling, again?

Oh, right -- Tyler Hynes. 

Born in 1986, the Canadian actor began performing on stage in A Christmas Carol at age 8 and Tommy at age 10, before hitting the teencom circuit with roles in The Mystery Files of Shelby Woo, Are You Afraid of the Dark, and Lassie.

It's impossible to research a book entitled Amazon nowadays, for obvious reasons, but I think the 1999-2000 tv series was based on a novel.  An airplane crashes in the Amazonian jungle with a soap opera-load of survivors, who are taken in by a Lost Tribe of good, kind, benevolent white people and run afoul of a load of violent, demonic, cannibalistic Native Americans (but their leader is white). Tyler plays a survivor who goes native. 

Yes, I watched.  It was awful, but I'm a sucker for lost civilization stories.

More after the break