Empire: Which son should run the hiphop empire, the finance major, the big dick, or the gay one? With some butts and bulges

 

Since I used nude photos of Jussie Smollett and Terrence Howard as illustrations in the Gemstones Episode 3.8 review, I feel obligated to review the series they're in: Empire (2015-2020), about a hiphop mogul trying to decide which of his children should get his multimillion dollar recording business after he dies. 

Scene 1: A woman in a recording booth, singing a R&B song, while Terrence Howard's Lucious, head of the recording empire, listens: "I got time on my side...why you leaving so soon?" Uh-oh, Lucey is doomed!   

He tells her to "sing like it's your last day on Earth."  Ok, enough foreshadowing.  Let's get on with the terminal diagnosis.  He flashes back to it, then tells her to sing like she just had to identify her brother's body after he was murdered.  Ok, now she's singing in an agonizing shriek.  Lucey is satisfied, kisses the hand of a masculine-presenting woman, and wakes up the fat guy on the couch. 

Scene 2:  Party on the deck of his platinum-album-strewn office.  Ugh, close-up of a bikini babe.  I counted ten bikini babes, four fully-clothed men. So far, so heterosexist.

Gross, a woman is feeding a man!  That's a major trigger, causing immediate disgust.  Get your own damn food!  In-universe, it's meant to designate that he has such a big penis that women would do anything to get him in bed.   Another gives him a whiff of a cigarette.  Big Penis appears to be Lucey's youngest son, Hakeem, played by Bryshere Y. Gray.

Cut to another guy composing music on the piano.  Big Penis jumps in.  They sing about being ready to hit the top, go to the limit, get money and girls.  Why, are you going to get 30 women instead of your usual 15?

A slightly older man in a suit and his wife look down from above, disapproving of his brothers' rambunctiousness, wondering why Hakeem is singing when Dad's not around.  

Scene 3: Lucey and the masculine-presenting woman in the back of a limo, talking about his big announcement. They arrive, get mobbed by reporters and fans, and go into a gigantic office, where he kisses her.  Must be his wife Porsha, played by Ta'Rhonda Jones, who is an LGBT ally but doesn't usually have a masculine gender presentation. 

Lucy's secretary gives him a rundown of the day's requests.  He says no to The Tonight Show and grudgingly ok to President Obama -- "but this is the last timee."  

In a board room, twirling a basketball, Luscious waxes nostalgic about the music that kept him alive when he was growing up on the streets. But now people download music for free, so kids growing up in the projects can't escape by composing and singing songs. Well, to be fair, less than one in a million wannabes makes a living as a singer/songwriter, but it's a nice hobby.  Empire Music is going to change all that by being a commodity on the New York Stock Exchange.  

Scene 4: Dining room, with a painting of a hot guy on the wall, although yellow pants against a yellow background might not be the best choice.

The guys who did the "I'm ready to be rich and famous" song are sitting at the table. There's no food.  

The Suit Guy enters and asks Jamal, the one who was playing the piano, about "that friend of yours."  Euphemism for a gay partner?  Jamal is upset because Suit Guy didn't show up for dinner; they cooked and everything.  "I forgot."  

Lucey enters and lambasts them for not being prepared to take over his music empire. He's going to die soon, and "I need one of you to man up and lead it." He'll be deciding who during the next few episodes. 

Scene 5: Cookie, a woman with big hair and a very short skirt, is leaving prison. 

 Meanwhile, Looney and Suit Guy  observe a wrestling match and congratulate each other on how much money they're going to make on the kid. He must be Lucey's eldest son Andre, played by Trae Byers

Suit Guy suggests that since he has a degree in finance, he's best qualified to run the company, but Lucey disagrees: it should be a celebrity, like Big Dick.

Later, Lucey's assistant reveals that Cookie has been released from prison.  Lucey wants round-the-clock surveillance. 

Scene 6: Jamal, played by Jussie Smollett, complains to his boyfriend that Dad would never choose him to run the empire, because he's a card-carrying, slur-slinging homophobe.  He's out at Minute 11 of the first episode.   Hear that, Kelvin?  

More gay guys after the break

"Bumper in Berlin" Episode 1.3: Bumper saves the day by doing everything wrong. With bonus Til Schweiger nudity.

I don't usually review two episodes of the same series, but I'm trying to figure something out. Bumper in Berlin has no gay male characters, limited beefcake, and frequent discussions of the hotness of ladies.  Those should be red flags.  So why is this series my favorite Adam Devine vehicle (including that darn Gemstone thing)?   This is a review of Episode 1.3,  "Verschlimmbessern": to make things worse while trying to make them better.

Scene 1: An ornate concert hall.  Bumper (Adam Devine), the American a capella singer who has come to Germany to become a star, and Heidi, his Love Interest, begin singing the Shaggy song "It Wasn't Me,"  Suddenly the stage goes dark; Heidi collapses, stabbed in the back  She's dying. Bumper has betrayed her by claiming that the song she wrote was his, and thus stealing her future.  And his hands are feet?  He awakens -- just a nightmare!

Scene 2: Bumper meets Heidi at the coffee cart and tries to make it up to her by -- buying her coffee?  He explains that he needed an impressive song to be selected to perform at Unity Day and become a star. Heidi isn't angry, just very disappointed.

Manager Pieter (Flula Borg) has bad news: his ex-girlfriend Gisela, who is competing with Bumper for the Unity Day spot, is doing a big show in Friederickstadt.  In order to stay competitive, he got Bumper a gig performing "his" song on Sour Pickles: a talk show where the guests eat sour pickles.

Bumper tries to make things right with Heidi by refusing to sing the song: it "sucks."  Wait -- Heidi wrote it.  She glares at him.  "Oh, the song is great, but it sucks."  Digging yourself deeper, Buddy.  You got some Verschlimmbessern going on.

Scene 3: On the way to the Sour Pickles studio -- the sign is in English -- Bumper complains to his ally, DJ Das Boot: "I did a bad thing, but I apologized. Why is Heidi still mad? It's not fair."  And by the way "Boot" means  "boat" in German, not the English "boot." 

DJ Das Boot: "You're only interested in making yourself feel better.  Try thinking of someone else's feelings." 

Scene 4:  Bumper and DJ Das Boot perform the song, while Heidi looks on forlornly.  The hosts, played by famous German actors Til Schweiger and Moritz Bleibtrue, cheer.  

Next, it's time to eat increasingly sour pickles while answering questions.  Uh-oh, the hosts twist his words around while he's distracted by the pickles.  First: Bumper admits that he didn't write the song, Heidi did.  Then, that his manager Pieter lied to get him to come to Germany.  Back story: Pieter used a sound machine during an a capella performance, destroying his career and branding him the second-greatest shame in German history. 

Bumper changes the subject to how much he likes Germany, especially the hottie Angela Merkle, whom he would love to twerk-le.  The hosts pretend to be scandalized at the disrespect to the former Chancellor, but actually they love seeing their guests get "into a pickle."  

Scene 5: Back at the office, everyone discusses what a mess Bumper made of his interview.  Shouldn't they have known that the show was about getting people to say the wrong thing?  Pieter's scandal will be revived, DJ Das Boot will be the laughing stock of the DJ community, and Heidi will never be able to sell a song again: "I'm going to have to go on German unemployment.  How am I supposed to survive on just 90,000 euros a year?"

Scene 6: A "scary adult preschool" abandoned factory-art gallery.  Heidi arrives for a date with DJ Das Boot, who criticizes her obsession with planning out every detail in her life: "I don't even know how I'm going to end this sentence."

To cure Heidi of her fear of the unexpected, DJ Das Boot says "Give me a tattoo.  Anything you want."  Heidi protests that she doesn't know how, but who cares?  This is really wacky date.  You ladies ever hear of dinner and a movie? 

She draws a smiley face on DJ Das Boot's shoulder.  "See -- you weren't prepared. You can't fix it.  But you survived!"

Scene 7: Bumper and Manager Pieter want to talk the Sour Pickle hosts into not airing the episode, but the security guard won't let them in.  So Heidi and DJ Das Boot try: the security guard lets them in with no challenge. 

Meanwhile, the guys sit in a bar, being gloomy.  Pieter asks Bumper to save himself,  pretend that lying was all Pieter's idea, but Bumper won't betray his friend.  Awww.... 

The girls arrive: yep, the Sout Pickle guys agreed to pull the episode.  All Pieter has to do is give an interview about his ex-girlfriend Gisela's involvement in his a capella scandal.  Pieter admits that, in fact, it was Gisela's idea, but they were dating, so he took the fall.  She dumped him soon afterwards.

So -- tell the truth, repair your reputation, get over your ex, and damage the career of their main competitor for the Unity Day gig. Plus she deserves it -- she's evil. Sounds great!  Problem: Pieter still loves her, and doesn't like the idea of hurting her.

More Bumper and a lot of Til Schweiger after the break