The purpose of lifeguard shows is to watch pecs, biceps, and bulges. There may be some plotlines involving the nearing-retirement guy with the dead son, the Ivy League dropout whose dad wants him to become a lawyer, and the reformed druggie trying to build a new life for himself, but they will be cliched and predictable; you watch to see guys bouncing around in Speedos.
Sometimes the bikini babes overwhelm the screen, making the show unwatchable, but I have high hopes for Rescue Hi-Surf (2024-5), on Hulu, because showrunner Matt Kester also gave us Animal Kingdom, with muscular men strutting about in bulging swimsuits amid fully clothed women.
Oh, and maybe there will be some rescues, too.
Scene 1: Establishing shots of the ocean off Oahu, and a pipeline: three story waves breaking over a volcanic reef. Hunky son, played by Kameron Dowis, is going to surf in that stuff while Mom and Dad check out of the airbnb.
Cut to the beach, where a lot of people are watching about 20 surfers.
Cut to lifeguard station, with three lifeguards, the woman in a bikini, the men wearing t-shirts and shorts -- no speedos, darn.
The Ocean Safety Captain says that they've had six rescues already, and the waves are getting bigger. It's getting dangerous, like "high diving into a kiddie pool."
Uh-oh, a guy wipes out and is down. They count...but he's up, grabbed by a safety officer on jet ski.
The Air BNB Guy cozies up to some experienced surfers, who give him instructions, especially "Whatever you do, don't get stuck inside," with the wave above and below you.
Uh-oh, he wipes out, and is floating unconscious. The Female Lifeguard runs out, her boobs bouncing, her midriff on display. She finds him, loads him on a jet ski, and they zoom back to the beach, just ahead of the pipeline wave. The other life guards grab him, perform CPR, and then load him into the waiting ambulance. "You got lucky -- welcome to the North Shore."
Back story; The guy's name is Reef, and he's from Florida. So a family from Florida is vacationing in Hawaii? Not Quebec?
Opening credits.
Scene 2: Closeup of the chest of a cute guy swimming. Uh-oh, he's sinking...and Ocean Safety Captain (Robbie Magasifa) wakes up. He's sleeping on the couch in his plant-filled living room. It was a nightmare about his son, who died two years ago. I called it.
It's time to test the lifeguard recruits. A Bikini Babe recruit arrives late, arguing with her mother who disapproves of lifeguarding and wants her to return to her Ivy League college. I called it.
Scene 3: The test: run, swim, run, 100 yards each, 4000 meter swim, 400 yard paddle. Bikini Babe and Sweater Guy stand in front, but the guys in back are shirtless. Still no Speedos.
Bikini Babe finishes first, followed by Sweater Guy. They all pass, but she's so great that she gets the plum District 7 assignment. The disgraced guys grimace and growl. "Don't worry, we'll assign you to the kiddie pool or something." I may be exaggerating the dialogue a bit.
Sweater Guy approaches Bikini Babe to explain that he almost beat her. It was just dumb luck that he came in .001 seconds late. She's not having it: "Just admit that a Bikini Babe is better than you." I imagine that she'll find him "arrogant" as they embark on a three-season long "will they or won't they" story arc.
Scene 4: At the lifeguard station, they put a firefighters's hat on the Hung Guy's stuff. "Ha-ha, very funny," he says. Back story: he's retiring from life guarding to become a firefighter, but they disapprove because firefighters never do anything but pose for calendars.
Hung Guy is played by Adam Demos. The reason for his nickname after the break:
