The Hooligan popped up on my Netflix feed this morning, with a cute, stern-looking guy staring at the camera.
Football hooligans are fans who support their team in excessive, violent ways. Whether they win or lose, they storm through the town, celebrating by overturning cars, breaking shop windows, setting fires, and assaulting bystanders.
Sounds violent, but at least there will be some musclemen, and...maybe....possibly...one of the hooligans will be gay.
Left: When I googled "muscular football hooligan," this popped up.
Scene 1: The Hooligan walking in slow motion down a dark street, with lights flashing as if he's being photographed by papparazi. His left hand is gone, and his arm is in a leather cast.
Cut to the Hooligan, Kuba, and his mum, dad, and little brother drinking beer in a family restaurant. Kuba is 17, and still has both hands.
Wait -- this tv series is from Poland! Not going to have any gay....
The IMDB doesn't say which actor is playing which character, but I think Kuba is played by Grzegorz Palkowski, who starred in a gay-themed Polish movie, Sucker's Death (2024).
"Gay-free zone" Poland has gay movies?
Dad is played by Wojciech Zelinski.
Fat Thug complains to the Other Thug is too close to him, brushing against him (ugh! contact with another dude -- disgusting!), and the Other Thug counters that his mother is not very good in bed. After demonstrating that they're homophobic, they stand back while their Boss approaches Dad and asks when he got out of prison.
Back story: Dad used to be a famous soccer player, but then he went to prison for six or seventeen years.
They discuss the game tonight. Third Guy thinks that Kuba has potential, and invites him to the gym to work on his chest. Dad disagrees: they should work on his arms. Wait -- do they want him to train to be a player, or a fan? .
When Mom goes up to pay the check, Boss approaches. Apparently they were lovers 17 years ago, while Dad was in prison, and Kuba is his biological son, but they can't tell anyone.
Scene 2: RKS Gladius Stadium, a match between the Mazovia team and the good guys. A huge crowd of hooligans tryiing to get into the game, being rowdy as security checks them for guns. Fat Thug says "Don't grope me too much, ok dude? I'm not into you." Ok, he's protesting too much. Dude is gay and closeted.
The game begins. The fans of the two teams are kept strictly separate, under heavy guard, so they don't attack each other, but some musclemen jump over the barracades and push through the police cordon! Dad tells Kubi that they have to leave to avoid being clobbered. On the way out, they see some fans beating other fans to death.
More after the break
Scene 3: At work in some sort of woodshop. Kubi shows his friend a figure he's carved a figure of a naked woman. They feel her breasts and discuss how often they have sex with each other's mothers. I already figured that these guys would be heterosexual. Why do they need to emphasize it? Will there be a gay subtext somewhere down the line? Maybe the thug that protests too much.
The foreman drops by to announce a contest to design a monument for "a young athlete," with a prize of 15,000 ($3,000).
Later, skateboarding and tagging, Kubi tells his friend tha he could use the prize money to buy stuff for his Mom. Is his friend going to evaluate Mom's bedroom performance now?
Uh-oh, three fans of the rival Kosy team beat up Kubi for being the son of a rival soccer player, steal his important hat and shoes, and break his skateboard. His friend cautions him to just say they were robbed to avoid starting a fan war.
Scene 4: In the car, Dad is yelling at Kubi for not standing up to the thugs. "Respect the (team) flag! Defend your team!"
Cut to the Boss Zyga, his two thugs, and his dog at the lab, where they're packaging a drug, cocaine or meth. Fat Thug Beca lost his driver's license, so he'll have to make deliveries on a bicycle.
Left: I'm not sure who plays the Boss Zyga: none of the cast on the IMDB look like him. But he could be Kamil Nozynski.
Cut to the next game. Dad and Kubi meet the Boss's thugs -- Beca and the Skinny One -- but they're on his team, all friendly, and invite them to the Wolves' Den.
Cut to the next day, with Kubi going to the Silownia Gym and Fight Club. Lots of fully-clothed, head-shaven musclemen lifting weights and sparring. Wait -- is this a gym for the team or for the fans? He only can bench like 90 pounds, so he'll need to put some muscle on.
Uh-oh, he needs a spotter, but the Boss Zyga calls the thugs away, and he's stuck! Is this a comedy?
The Boss gives him a package of cocaine or meth to deliver. Beca the Fat Thug will go with him to supervise. Wait -- when did he get hired as a drug runner? And no team colors -- you don't want to be attacked by rival fans with drugs on you.
Scene 5: Biking toward the delivery, with Beca behind complaining that they're going too fast, Kubi almost crashes into The Girl. I was wondering when she would show up. They yell "F*ck you!" and criticize the bedroom performance of each other's mothers.
Left: Beca is played by Michal Filipiak.
They deliver the drugs to an auto shop run by -- uh-oh, the Kosy fan that beat Kubi up and stole his stuff yesterday! But he knows the secret password, so he is led into a Kosy lair. The delivery and payment proceed with no assaults, just a lot of glaring.
Back at the gym, Kubi complains to the Boss: "Why are we selling drugs to the Kosys? They're our arch-enemies. We should be trying to kill them!"
"Business is business. Here's your cut and a Playstation."
Scene 6: Shopping for a new skateboard and spitting on people from the balcony, Kubi sees The Girl shoplifting sunglasses. You're perfect for each other, buddy! She gives him the finger and stomps off. That's cinematic code for "You're hot!"
She flirts with him. He doesn't actually appear interested, but accepts an invitation to go shoplifting. When she models a string bikini, he looks away and mutters "It's fine."
"Just fine? How about now?" She takes off her top to display her breasts. He doesn't look. Dude, you made a wooden woman, and now a real one is displaying herself to you. Are you, like, not into girls?
Scene 7: At her house -- actually her Bube's. Her parents abandoned her to fly off to London, and then Bube died, so she's stuck. She's's a student -- dig all the books, diplomas, and awards for intellect. She also has been cutting herself.
Ok, now they're kissing. I guess he was just being a gentleman before. And I'm out.
Beefcake: Some shirtless hooligans. I
Heterosexism: Every guy announces that he is heterosexual within a few seconds of his introduction.
Gay Characters: I still think the Fat Thug, Beca, has a gay vibe going on. He also survives to the end of the series.
At least no one makes a homophobic slur. It's "You're an inferior person because I'm having sex with your mother" not "You're an inferior person because you're gay."
My Grade: C
See also: A Real Pain: Buddies have wacky adventures or a Dark Night of the Soul in Poland
My boyfriend and I visit Poland, for hookups and remembrance
The naked thugs: Danny McBride thinks "we won't like these d*cks." Is that even possible?
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