A date with Kris (who may not be Jeremy Renner's boyfriend) leads to Christopher Atkins' dick

When I was living in West Hollywood in the mid-1990s, my friend Infinite Chazz began dating Kris, a 19-year old baby-faced ginger boy who had been in Los Angeles less than a year, but had already been in some movies and tv shows.

I'm not implying that he was Kristoffer Winters, who would go on to play Zilbor in Dude, Where's My Car (2000) and Clayton Gallagher in Shameless (2011-2012), and who is reputedly the boyfriend of  Jeremy Renner.

This Kris, whoever he was, soon broke up with Infinite Chazz, but we all stayed friends, as one does in gay communities. 

Kris had just landed his first starring role, in what turned out to be a very bad Smokey and the Bandits rip-off called Smoke n Lightnin, about two auto mechanics named, naturally, Smoke and Lightnin (no g), who get involved in a caper involving car chases and girls.

"It's not exactly King Lear," he admitted, "But it could lead to bigger things.  And you'll never guess who my costar is -- Christopher Atkins!  I had such a crush on him when I was a kid!"

We all had a crush on Christopher Atkins when he played a boy growing up on a desert island in The Blue Lagoon (1980) -- a thoroughly heterosexist movie famous for several nude frontal shots of the tanned young actor.

More movies with frontal nudity followed, notably A Night in Heaven (1983), about a male stripper, plus a story arc on Dallas (1983-84).

Christopher's star had waned a bit -- now he appeared mostly in sleazy, low-budget productions like Mortuary Academy and Bandit Goes Country. -- and Smoke and Lightnin.  But what actor wouldn't jump at the chance to work with such an iconic star?

And maybe get a glimpse of the most famous penis of the decade.

It was a low budget movie -- three weeks of shooting at a real auto repair shop in the San Fernando Valley and a house in Mission Viejo, and then off to Florida for two weeks of shooting the Miami locations and car-chase stunts.

One day Kris invited me out to lunch, and to meet Christopher.  I was sort of disappointed -- I didn't expect the lithe, tanned teenager of Blue Lagoon, but the cragginess, long hair, and moustache was a bit too redneck.  If I saw Christopher walking toward me on a dark street, I'd be worried about a gay-bashing.

But he turned out to be very friendly, very gay-positive.  He knew about Infinite Chazz -- even about the nickname "Infinite" -- and asked about the date of Christopher Street West, our Pride Festival, as if he intended to come.

More after the break

The day after they wrapped up in Los Angeles, Christopher hosted a picnic in Griffith Park for the cast and crew and their families, and Kris invited me to be his "date."    "I don't want to be the only gay guy there," he explained.  "But play it cool -- I'm not out at work.  Only Christopher and Mike [Michael Kirton, the director] know."

 I hate eating outside, and I really hate hanging out with heterosexual nuclear families, fielding questions about girlfriends and the bodaciousness of this or that actress, watching boy-girl pairs making out and kids screaming and tugging at each other.  But he talked me into it.

We sat at a picnic table with Christopher and Lyn and their kids (Brittney and Grant), and Mike and his girlfriend and Sabryn and her husband, and ate hamburgers, hot dogs, corn on the cob, and some sort of apple cobbler from gross paper plates, Boring conversations about Mike's new muscle car and the new bathroom Christopher was installing in his house.

There were no big stars at the picnic, and very little beefcake, a lot of fat good-old-boy types with their wives and toddler kids.

Boring!

After lunch we all scattered, some to play tetherball, some to watch the kids, some to go hiking.

Kris nudged me.  "I'm tired of all this heterosexualizing.  Let's go find a secluded spot and make out."

Make out?  I grinned.  Maybe today wouldn't be a total loss.  

But then Christopher was beside us.  "You guys going hiking?" he asked.

I glared at him.  "Um...yes."

"Great, I'm up for anything."

Not anything, I bet.  

We had gone about a mile up the trail, when Christopher said "Excuse me, got to drain the lizard."  He left the trail and stood by a tree and unzipped.

This was my chance to see the most famous penis of the decade -- and to get even with Christopher for spoiling my make-out session.   I came up beside him, said "Is this tree taken?," and unzipped and glanced over.  Not very big, but....a sausage sighting of Christopher Atkins!

I tried to urinate.  Stage fright.  Nothing happened.

Christopher grinned.  "You just wanted to see it, didn't you?"

"No -- I...er, have to go."

"Don't be embarrassed -- I get it all the time.  That's why I started charging.  $10 for a peek, $20 for a grope."

Was he serious?  Would I get not only a sausage sighting, but a fondle?  "Will you take a check?"

"Sure."  He zipped up.

Darn! He was joking!

A few days later, Kris flew off to Miami, and then I was off for three weeks in Spain, and we sort of lost contact.  But I'm still Facebook friends with Infinite Chazz, and with Christopher Atkins.  

See also: Nude photos of Christopher Atkins.

Nude photos of Thomas Mann

Brandon Searching for Brandon Johnston through twins, Elves, fitness instructors, various naked guy, and the mayor of Chicago