"American Primeval": Mormons, Paiutes, settlers, and soldiers fight in a very damp Old West. With some nude Western dudes

 I thought American Primeval, on Netflix, would be about bikers, but it's a Western: 

"Utah territory, 1857. Wild and Untamed.  The United States army, Mormon militia, Native Americans, and pioneers, all locked in a brutal war for survival."

Back story: The U.S. took control of what is now Utah during the Mexican-American War in 1846. The Mormons under Brigham Young  settled in the Salt Lake Valley in 1847, and proposed the new state of Deseret.  They got Utah Territory instead. Conflicts with the U.S. government over Mormon practices like polygamy led to skirmishes and eventually the Mormon War, aka the Utah War, 1857-8.

Yes, you need to know this to understand Episode 1.

Scene 1: Mrs. Rowell and her son Devin, reading Oliver Twist, have been waiting forever at the end of the train tracks, in St. Joseph -- wait, St. Joseph, Missouri?  That's 1,000 miles from Salt Lake City.  

Left: as far as the railroads went in 1857.

Finally John Frye (Clint Obenchain) arrives to take them by covered wagon the rest of the way to Fort Bridger, now in Wyoming.  Then they will meet Jim Beckworth for the rest of the passage.  Devin wonders why they don't just go to California.  I agree.

Scene 2: Cut to Fort Bridger, with teepees outside. People gambling, fighting, smithying. A Shoshone girl steals a knife.  Mrs. Rowell and Devin arrive.  Shoshone young people try to sell them trinkets.  

Problem: they were delayed, so Jim Beckworth is gone.   A Frenchman keeps insisting that he can guide them, becomes violent, and kills their guide, so Jim Bridger (Shea Whigham), the head of the fort, kills him with a shovel.  Mrs. Rowell is aghast: she was told that this was a peaceful trading post. 

He suggests that she return to Boston, or at least wait until spring. Right now there are too many outlaws, Mormons, Indians, bears, and wolves rampaging, and then the Wasatch Mountains, which are impassable in winter. No, she can't wait: she has to meet her husband at Crooks Springs (not a real town).  

Scene 3: Bridger leads them to a mountain man, Isaac (Taylor Kitsch), who might want to guide them. Problem: he's shooting at them.  Bridger proves that it's really him, and leads them to his camp, where he's washing -- butt shot.  Isaac doesn't want to hang out with "a woman and a cr*pple" (son wears a leg brace).  

Scene 4: Mrs. Rowell and Devin finally manage to hitch a ride in a wagon train of families from Arkansas, led by James Fancher (uh-oh, she's in trouble).  She bonds with the Mormon Jake (Dane DeHaan) and his wife Abisha.

Remember the Shoshone girl who stole the knife?  She uses it to kill her father or another older man who keeps sexually assaulting her.  Then she stows away on Mrs. Rowell's wagon.  Looks like Devin will be getting a girlfriend.

Oh, and a little too late, a bounty hunter arrives, looking for Mrs. Rowell -- turns out that is not her name. She is wanted for murdering a man in Philadelphia.  Maybe her husband?  So who is the fake Mrs. Rowell hoping to meet?

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 2.2 Kelvin clenches, Keefe dances, and everybody flirts with Eli. With proof that everything is bigger in Texas.

Previous:  Episode 2.1, Continued: Keefe's kiss, Kelvin's boner, and a thug with broken thumbs. With Jonah Hauer-King and a proper erection bonus

In Episode 2.1, while we establish the Kelvin/Keefe, Judy/BJ, and Jesse/Amber conflicts of the season, Eli's old friend Junior stops by, and acts very much like an ex-lover.  They go out to dinner and beat up a tough.  Now we see the aftermath.

Title: "After I Leave, Savage Wolves will Come."  In Acts 20.29. Paul tells the Ephesians that after he leaves, savage wolves or false teachers will tear the flock apart. So, who is the wolf invading the Gemstones' lives?

Eli Gemstone indicted! Thaniel Block sits on the porch of his rental house in the South Carolina woods, reading some news stories from 1993: Gemstone Family Studios to close due to "a financial and rumors of  sexual scandals," with $4 million missing.  Another article: "Eli Gemstone indicted on charges of fraud and conspiracy." But Episode 2.5 takes place at Christmas 1993.  When did all this happen? Geezer Tim drops by to criticize him for living in New York and having a "nasty attitude." 

A Hot Piece of Tail: Judy and BJ visit Eli to ask him to officiate in BJ's baptism.  They find him asleep on the couch in the parlor. Junior enters and asks "Who's this hot piece of tail?"  He's actually looking at BJ, but Eli assumes that he means Judy and says that she is his daughter.  He apologizes and asks if BJ is her lesbian partner. BJ starts to answer, but Judy cuts him off: "He's big-dicking you."

There are several takeaways here.  First, Eli and Junior did not sleep together; Eli fell asleep on the couch. Weren't there any guest rooms in his mansion? 

Second, check out Junior's magenta bathrobe, jaunty hand on him, and pinky ring: he is deliberately presenting as queer.   

Third, Eli may have mentioned that one of his children is gay, and Junior forgot which.

Execretions and Hep C Loads:  After Junior heads to the kitchen to make coffee, Judy wants to know what's going on.  Eli tells her that "things got a little carried away last night," which she interprets to mean that they are having rough sex.  He grimaces in disgust, but plays along to mess with her.  

Her main criticism is that Junior is unattractive: "I always hoped that if you were gonna yank a pole, it would be someone hot."  So Judy has considered the possibility that Eli is bisexual for a long time. 

She states that the "hookup" signifies that Eli doesn't care about his family.  Remember that Jesse likewise complains that Kelvin "popping boners" with the muscle men is "selfish, not helping the family."  But it's not just gay sex; on this show, having a partner of any sort is framed as a betrayal.  The family is aghast when Judy wants to move off the Compound with BJ; Baby Billy is still hurt over his sister Aimee-Leigh "leaving him" to marry Eli.  

As they storm out, Judy cautions BJ to not touch anything, as there are probably execretions and Hep C loads everywhere.  This is a call back to Abraham leaving his semen everywhere in Jesse's house, plus an awareness that Hepatitus C can easily spread through anal sex, so it is particularly common in gay communities.

Good Sniffer Seats: After they leave, Eli joins Junior on the back patio, overlooking the reflecting pool that leads to Aimee-Leigh's shrine.  Eli invites him to church, but he worries about the cost.  Junior avers that he's been to enough strip joints to know that you have to pay for the "good sniffer seats."  I can't find the term "sniffer seat" defined anywhere, but I guess that it's a seat close enough to the stage to smell the performers.  There are male strip clubs, but he's probably referencing a lady's club, being a hetero horn dog, backing off from the implication of same-sex activity. 

But not entirely: Eli offers to reserve a good seat for him, and the guys hold hands!

On closer examination, it turns out to be a man and a woman holding hands. We have cut to a scene involving Jesse and Amber's marital advice group. But it is so abrupt that the misdirection must be intentional.  The man is even wearing a shirt the same color as Junior's robe.

After the group meeting, Matthew and Chad ask why Jesse's old crew isn't hanging out together anymore.  This is all marital stuff, heterosexual nuclear family stuff; what happened to the band of brothers, savage and free?  Gregory explains; "I love you guys, but happy wife, happy life." You must abandon same-sex loves for heterosexual destiny.

You Got a Hound Dog Here: Cut to Thaniel visiting the Salvation Center, where he admits that he has sexual-scandal dirt on Aimee-Leigh, gathered from household staff.  Well, at least Kelvin is off the hook.

The World's Most Famous Christian: Next, Jesse and Amber visit the Lissons in Texas for a party to celebrate the proposed Zion's Landing resort. Joe Jonas, the World's Most Famous Christian, leads everyone in a line dance.  He proclaims his heterosexuality, singing about the "beautiful girls" he's been with while wearing a formless leopard robe and pink bandana, the antithesis of Kelvin's tiger jacket and porn-star-bulging jeans. Desire for women un-mans a man, renderng him soft and sickly; only in the manly love of comrads can a man be strong and free.

Keefe dances: At church, they welcome those who have found God in the past month, including BJ. He has always been a non-believer before; it is unclear whether he has actually had a "born again" experience, or is just pretending to be accepted by the family.  

The welcome is framed as a heterosexual union, with Judy hugging BJ and Kelvin grudgingly hugging a female convert. He's disgusted by touching "females," even as part of his job.  Meanwhile, on a balcony far removed from the stage, Keefe leads the God Squad in a dance, invisible, ignored, forever cut off from heterosexual practice, forever cut off from the family.  

Nude Texas dudes after the break

Everybody Loves Greg: Vincent Martella grows up, plays Phineas, dates some guys. With some d*cks and Skyler Gisondo

 We've been watching Everybody Hates Chris (2005-2009) on Hulu: a nostalgia sitcom featuring the  childhood adventures of comedian Chris Rock, who provided the commentary.  In the 1980s, young Chris (Tyler James Williams) attended an all-white middle school, where everyone hated him, except his teacher, who pitied him for..stereotype of the week.  

He had a bully with an endless supply of racist terms (Travis Flory), a white best friend (Vincent Martella), and at home, Dad with about 35 jobs (Terry Crews), way overbearing Mom (Tichina Arnold), bratty little sister (Imani Hakim), and a little brother (Tequan Richmond), who was bigger, and far more attractive: everybody was in love with him, which was usually fine,but a problem around Valentine's Day, when the truckloads of cards, candy, and wedding proposals arrived. 

It was quite homophobic, even for the 2000s.  Chris Rock's commentary displayed revulsion and disgust whenever he could: "Hey, this ain't Brokeback!"  One episode featured Chris befriending a gay student, but they called him "androgynous."

Nearly 20 years later, the cast varies on their level of homophobia, from Terry Crewes and Tyler James Williams (ugh!).

To Tequan Richmond and Imani Hakim (allies)

 To Vincent Martella, seen here at a Clippers game with  Mikey Reid.

After Chris, he became the voice of Phineas in the animated Phineas and Ferb, which is endless: 140 episodes from 2007-2025, plus thousands of movies: Christmas Vacation, Across the Second Dimension, Mission Marvel....

Vincent has done some other animation work, like the video game Final Fantasy XIII, Batman: Death in the Family, and Disney Infinity

Left: Vincent and Mikey have fun during the COVID quarantine.

Vincent's live-action work includes Patrick in three episodes of The Walking Dead: he is a member of a zombie holocaust survivor community in an abandoned prison. Then he get sick, dies, zombifies, and creates a new zombie infestation.

I have a question about this Cupid costume.  

More after the break. Caution: Explicit