Saturday, August 19, 2023

Eastbound and Down Episode 1.1: Danny as an arrogant foul-mouthed, racist, sexist, homophobic...well, you get the idea


 I don't know anything about baseball, so I'm not sure what "eastbound and down" means (maybe a decrease in power, like "down the drain"?).  But I'm going through Danny McBride's series before The Righteous Gemstones to check for parallels, particularly the treatment of LGBT people.  Any homophobia?  Any queerbaiting?   So Eastbound and Down, Season 1, Episode 1.  

The premise: a disgraced pro baseball player is forced to teach phys ed at his old high school.  Um...you need a degree in education and a year of student teaching to do that.

Scene 1:  Kenny (McBride) narrates: when he was 19, he changed the face of pro ball.  We see him hitting a ball and thereby winning the series.  This made him mega-famous, with endorsements, girls, a catch phrase ("You're fuckin' out!"),  and magazine covers (including Playgirl: "Kenny Powers gets a woody.").  

Montage of Kenny saying horrible bigoted things: "Jew York," "I thought the blacks were bad in New York, but they're nothing compared to the fags in San Francisco."  Wouldn't he be fired instantly?  Steroid allegations, anger management problems, becoming less competent at the game.

Scene 2 (Several shitty years later): Kenny in a big room, applying with others for a job as a substitute teacher.  The guy behind him ridicules him on the phone, and then confronts him outside: "I'm Marcus Shank.  You banged my stepsister in high school."  Kenny punches him.

Scene 3: Kenny driving his pick-up truck through redneck country, while the sound track sings "I'm going down, down, down."  At dinner with his brother Dustin (John Hawkes, top photo right) and his wife and kids, he talks about how they used to beat up "retard brothers" in the neighborhood.  This guy needs a huge redemption arc. 

Scene 4: Kenny and Dustin in the pool (shirtless, but not impressive). Dustin wants to know how long he'll be staying. "Four fucking years!"  Later, Kenny curls up on his bed in the study and cries. 

Scene 5: Kenny sits in his truck drinking beer, waiting for classes to begin at his old high school (Jeff Davis High!), thinking about how he's better than everyone else.  "Suck my dick, world!" he exclaims.  Why, exactly, is that an insult?  I'm sure lots of guys would be happy to suck Danny McBride's dick.  Is it homophobic, like "Suck a guy's dick!  That's gay!  Gross!"  

Suddenly he sees his Love Interest talking to some students, and zeros in on her breasts.  Love at first sight!  

Scene 6: Inside the school, Kenny approaches April, who is talking about a student: "He drew a pentagram made of penises!  My degree is in art, not psychology!"  They hug, and Kenny comments "I'm going to have to change my pants." Translation: her hug made him cum.  


He wants to rekindle their high school romance, but she's engaged to the fawning principal, Terence Cutler (Andy Daly). Kenny hates him immediately for being a dick, and for taking his girl.  Well, you still have the big-boobed Love Interest.

Scene 7:  Kenny meets his co-ed phys ed class, and fields questions about whether he was in jail and whether the steroids made his balls shrink.  

Cut to lunch.  Kenny joins the principal, April, and the others in the cafeteria. He meets drama teacher Mr. Nesbitt.  Drama, huh -- maybe he's gay.  And band leader Mr. Jankowski, who is all excited that they went to high school together, but Kenny doesn't remember him. 

Scene 8: Back at Dustin's house, Kenny negotiates with a prostitute on the telephone and orders Dustin's wife around.  He tries to strategize how to win April. 


After an argument about something or other, he goes to bar to drink and watch baseball.  A sleazy-looking blond lady makes vulgar innuendos as the bartender, Clegg (Ben Best), orders her out. She licks his face and leaves.  One of Keefe's Satanist buds did that on The Righteous Gemstones.  I still think it's gross.

Then Clegg, who knew him in high school, invites Kenny into his office for some blow.  (He means cocaine, not a blow job).  They bond, laugh, discuss how shitty their lives are, but don't have sex: Kenny stumbles back to his bed at Dustin's house. 

Scene 9: At school, the Principal asks how Kenny likes teaching. He loves it.  Good, because the coach he was subbing for died this morning. "How would you like to do this full time?" 

"You want a smoothie?" The principal asks.  "Naw, I'm straight."  So a smoothie is a gay drink?  Kelvin served them to his God Squad in Righteous Gemstones Season 2.

Scene 10: Kenny trying to decide if he wants the job.  Of course he does, or it would be lousy story.   Cut to the shower room, and Kenny's bare butt (not impressive).  Wait - is he masturbating?

Then he sits in his truck, listening to his autobiography on tape and watching April and the Principal leave the school together. 

Cut to Dustin and his wife in bed, sleeping (shirtless, not impressive).  They are awakened by a loud thumping. Kenny is chucking beer cans against the wall.  He explains: "The love of my life doesn't want to have sex with me because she's getting married to some smoothie-drinking fairy."  Wait -- if the principal is gay, why would he want to marry April?  I think Kenny is just using gay slurs as all-purpose insults.  "Plus I got offered the teaching job full time." 

Instead of settling, Kenny decides to get back on top, prove that he's better than everybody else,

Scene 11: Kenny bursts through a banner at the school, strutting, surrounded by hysterical Beatlemania-style girls (um...dude, those girls are underage). Boys cheer, too.  He shakes his crotch at them.  Ulp -- it's a fantasy.  The kids are actually ignoring him.  

As the principal exercises in a muscle shirt (no muscle)< Kenny commandeers the pa system to announce that he's discovered who he is: a man, an athlete, a lover, and a goddam champion."  Band leader guy grins: hero worship or a crush?

Next he accepts the job, stops by April's class to point at her, high-five the janitors, and leaves the building, even though it's only first period. 

Cut to Kenny jet-skiing with the sleazy blond woman from last night riding topless behind him (ugh!).  She falls into the ocean.  He splashes her.  She yells "You piece of shit!" 

Beefcake: I have never in my life seen so many unattractive men taking their clothes off, and I've been to a bath house in Palm Springs.

Gay Characters: I thought Stevie Janowski might be gay, but he appears to have a case of hero worship for Kenny.  Later he gets married, and contemplates cheating 'because of all the attractive women" around.

Queerbaiting: Nope.

Homophobia:  Kenny throws around homophobic slurs a lot, but he isn't targeting gay men so much as every man who doesn't meet his Neanderthal standards of masculinity.  He probably wouldn't mind a masculine-presenting gay man. By the way, he's also horribly racist, sexist, and xenophobic.

Chekhov's Gun:  I thought Marcus Shank, whom Kenny decked at the job fair, would become an ongoing antagonist, but we never hear from him again.

Kenny and Jesse: Both are brash, grandiose, with an inflated self image, but Jesse is not at all bigoted, and that seems to be Kenny's main thing.  They both want more power, but Jesse's main concerns are conflicts with his dad, his wife, and his kids, while Kenny just wants to win the Girl of His Dreams.  I did see a precursor of Kelvin and Jesse's relationship in Dustin's statement that the brothers used to be friends, but things changed.

My Grade:  Characters like Kenny are definitely not my cup of tea.  

Eric Robert: a lifetime of sleazebag killers, hung hunks, and noble gay guys

 


Eric Roberts has had a long career  -- 667 acting credits on the IMDB -- in serious roles, late-night sleazefest killers,  and beefcake stars, beginning at age 22 with King of the Gypsies (1978).








An underwear bulge in Star 80.  Eric plays a sleazebag who murders his wife (a Playboy star)









No bulge but some nice pecs and abs in Final Analysis (1992), an "erotic film noir" also starring Richard Gere.







Eric's butt, from Love is a Gun (1994)


In 1996, when it was dangerous for an actor to play a gay character, Eric starred in It's My Party, as a gay guy with AIDS who decides to host a party for family and friends, then end his life.  Well, in those days gay men in movies were either dying of AIDS or coming out into a world where everyone is homophobic and there is no LGBT subculture.  As far as I can tell, this was his only gay role.

Not a lot of beefcake lately, but with movies like In Cold Blood and Runaway Train, and tv shows like Grey's Anatomy and Will and Grace, who cares?

Besides, I'm pretty sure that Eric played Eli's friend Junior as bisexual in Season 2 of The Righteous Gemstones.

See: Gemstones Episode 2.1 Review: Junior likes dicks, Kelvin likes pecs, and f*k yeah, we got both!

Sunday, August 6, 2023

Kelvin Gemstone Comics

 


Kelvin Gemstone, the Boy Adventurer, starred in a popular comic book series from 2005 to 2014.   I don't know why they made him a blond.









Kelvin insisted that his character get a "best dude friend," so they paired him with stand-up comedian Jackie Jokers, and turned it into a humor title.









After rumors arose that Kelvin and Jackie were gay, Eli insisted that they introduce some girlfriends. They introduced four, gave Kelvin a muscular physique, and turned it into a romance title.  It soon folded. Nobody wanted to see the Boy Adventurer with a girl.

(Of course this is really Richie Rich)

Sunday, July 23, 2023

Stephen Dorff: Queer characters and dicks



In Season 3 of the Righteous Gemstones, Steven Dorff plays Vance Simkins, one of the three Simpkins siblings, pastors of a competing mega-church and arch-rivals of the Gemstones.  He postures, insults Jesse, gets beat up by Jesse's thugs, and finally competes with the Gemstones in a Bible trivia contest that is plagued by locusts.

Stephen Dorff has been a Hollywood hunk and dramatic and comedic staple for 40 year.  Go through his list of acting credits on the IMDB and count the movies and tv shows you haven't seen -- it will be easier. I remember his 1990s work most fondly: S.F.W,, I Shot Andy Warhol, City of Industry, Blade, Cecil B. Demented.  A surprising number of gay and otherwise queer characters.


In a 2006 interview, Dorff said that he's surprised he's not gay because when he was young, he liked to watch women...getting dressed?  Wait --why would a young gay boy want to see naked ladies?








He has shown his chiseled physique and his butt in a huge number of movies.  Here's a sample.








Dick after the break

Monday, July 17, 2023

Stephen Schneider's Extensive Nude Scene

 

In The Righteous Gemstones Episode 3.6, BJ Barnes intends to beat up Stephen (Stephen Schneider), the sleazy guitarist who had an affair with his wife.  He goes to Stephen's house and finds him masturbating in the bedroom.  The result is a 5-minute long fight between BJ and the naked Stephen, his cock and balls not only visible but emphasized throughout.  The fight eventually moves outside, where BJ finishes it by grabbing and squeezing Stephen's balls.

They originally planned to use a prosthetic, but Stephen insisted on choreographing the scene using his own equipment, resulting in the most extensive full frontal shot in television history.  Probably movie history, too.  



Stephen jumps up onto the bed to confront BJ.








He grabs BJ and pummels him.









Having ground him into a pulp, Stephen drags BJ outside.








He intends to hose the semi-conscious BJ.










But he didn't count on BJ grabbing a handful of testicles.

See also: Stephen Schneider: Heterosexual love interest, heterosexual bottom, hung sleazoid, diversity dad

You're the Worst: a homophobic rapper hooks up with a gay stereotype.

Broad City: This ain't your daddy's Seinfeld

Thursday, July 6, 2023

Kelvin's Rebound Date with Percy

 

This story takes place shortly after Righteous Gemstones Episode 3.4, the Kelvin/Keefe breakup.

Kelvin sat in his bathrobe, with Jesse on one side and Judy on the other.  Usually his siblings insulted and criticized him, but not today.  At least, not very much.

"You can't sit here feeling sorry for yourself for the rest of your life," Jesse told him.  "You have obligations to the church.  We need you."

"I can't go back to leading the youth ministry," Kelvin said softly.  "It will remind me of Keefe."

"It isn't just being reminded, Dummy," Judy said.  "Once you get admitted to this family, you don't get un-admitted.  Keefe will still be around.  You'll see him at church, at Sunday dinner, everywhere, so get used to it."

Kelvin hadn't thought of that.  "How could I ever see him without crying?"  

 "Just man up and deal with it," Jesse told him.  "You're not the first guy to get dumped by his boyfriend."

"He wasn't my boyfriend,"  Kelvin protested.  "He was my...he was my life.  He was my world."  

Judy scoffed.  "Well, maybe what you need is a good old-fashioned boyfriend.  Not the beginnig and end of your world, just someone to go out and have fun with.  You know, dating.  If  it turns into true love, fine; if not, at least you got your dick sucked."

"Judy!"  

"I'm not an expert on what gay guys like," Jesse said, "But if you want an outside opinion, I think you've got it all.  You're handsome, you're muscular, you have a gay wardrobe, and  you're famous.  I'll bet half the gay boys in the country used to jerk off to your Kelvin's Chastity Club posters."


"I always wondered about that," Judy said.  "You and Zac Efron in swimsuits, holding hands.  How does that promote chastity?"

"There were no girls in the poster.  Just two guys having fun...um...together."  Kelvin caught himself. Were those posters homoerotic?  How would he know?  At age 15, he didn't even know what "gay" meant.  "Anyway, I didn't design it.  Blame the church's pr department."

"Send in $5, and get an autographed picture of Kelvin with a bulge in his jeans,"  Judy continued.  "$10 if you want him to whip it out."

"I did not have a bulge," Kelvin protested.  "Well, just my natural body contours. I can't help my size."  He found himself smiling for the first time in days.  It felt good to be the subject of his siblings' teasing.  Maybe his life wasn't over.  Maybe he had a future after all. 

Maybe he should go out on a date.

But who to ask?  He couldn't just walk into a gay bar -- the tabloids would love it!  Someone from the church?  Was there a dating app for gay Christians?  Wait -- Percy, the designer who worked on the executive board room.  He seemed nice, and he was kind of cute. Not obviously buffed, but he probably worked out -- all gay guys did.

He was soft-spoken, maybe a little femme, but was he actually gay?  The name Percy, an interior designer -- weren't those stereotypes?  Kelvin didn't remember seeing a wedding ring.  


One way to find out: he put on his most bulging, muscle-displaying outfit and drove out to the design studio in Charleston.  Percy was at his desk, talking to two clients.  Kelvin waved, and he waved back.

A good sign, right?

Kelvin sat on one of the design couches and played with his cell phone to calm his nerves. Gay dating apps -- what was Grindr about?

"Hey, Kelvin."  Percy sat down beside him, almost but not quite seeing his Gridr profile, and put a hand on his shoulder.  His hand on my shoulder, Kelvin thought.  That's a gay thing, right?   "How's your board room working out."

"Oh, it's great.  We love the frescos with Jesse as a Christian warrior and me holding a little child."  

"I was going for a Father, Son, and Holy Ghost motif."

Percy was looking directly into his eyes!  His heart was pounding.  "So..."

"So...." Percy repeated, an eyebrow raised.

"So I was wondering....um...if you are free Friday night, would you like to come over to the house for dinner?"

Percy looked surprised.  "You mean, with the family?" 

"No...um...just me.  Just me and you, I mean."

"Oh...oh.  Sure, I'd be happy to."  

"Great!"  

They stared at each other.  The little bell on the door rang: another client!  But Kelvin still couldn't speak.

Percy giggled and touched his hand. "Here's where you tell me what time to come, Kelvin."

"Oh...oh, right.  Come at 8:00."  8:00 seemed a little late for dinner, but when people went out on dates in movies, they always said "I'll pick you up at 8:00."

"Ok.  Gotta run.  Can't wait until Friday!"  He squeezed Kelvin's hand and rushed off to greet his clients.

Gulp.  Kelvin spend the next three days watching every romcom in BJ's collection, and taking notes. Darn, he and Percy never had a meet-cute.  But the first date was standardized.  It always involved three steps.

More after the break

Friday, June 30, 2023

BJ's Angels: A "Righteous Gemstones" Spin-Off

 


Announcer: And now another episode of BJ's Angels.

Intro (BJ narrates off-camera): Once there were three little muscle boys who went to work on another show called The Righteous Gemstones, two in Kelvin Gemstone's God Squad, and the other as Eli Gemstone's driver. (Sarcastic) And they were each assigned very sexy duties. (Shots of Liam falling from a human pyramid, Titus being lowered into a tiger cage, and Gideon driving in a car chase).

But I took them away from all that, and now they work for me. My name is BJ. 

Montage:  Joel Rush as Titus (winning a bodybuilding contest)

Peter Kaasa as Liam (in his underwear, pulling a gun from his crotch)

Skyler Gisondon as Gideon (in a suit, clicking wine glasses with an unidentified person)

Tony Cavalero as Mr. Keefe (trying to answer six telephones at once).

Guest star Adam DeVine as Kelvin (giving Keefe a bag lunch as he rushes out the door, like a 1960s sitcom housewife). 

And special guest star Tim Baltz as BJ (a mysterious hand on a computer keyboard)



Scene 1
: The Angels in their dressing room. Gideon, fully clothed, is tying his tie, but Titus and Liam are still in their underwear.

Titus: Hey, this t-shirt is just extra-extra-large. Liam, I think you got mine by mistake.

Liam: (Checks.) Oh, right, this one is extra-extra-extra large. Sorry, Titus, I'll take it off. Of course, the only way I can do that is by taking off my jockey, too (Rips off his t-shirt, then lowers his jockey, displaying his bare butt.) That's one, by the way.

Gideon: (Glancing over) One what?

Liam: We're contractually obligated to display our butts twice per episode.

Scene 2: Keefe enters, wearing a suit, carrying a laptop.

Liam and Titus: Good morning, Mr. Keefe.

Gideon: Good morning, Uncle Keefe.

Keefe (to Gideon): Hey, don't tell anyone that we're related, or else the fans won't ship us, and we won't get a lot of play on fan boards. Those fan boards can make or break our characters! So just pretend that you're my very good friend.  What couple name do you like, Gideefe or Keefeon?

Gideon: That's gross! No way I'm going to queerbait with my Uncle Kelvin's boyfriend!

(Everyone gasps).

Keefe: You can't say the b- word on television!  The proper term is 'my Uncle Kelvin's...um..."

Titus: I'll queerbait with you, Mr. Keefe.

Keefe: You definitely will, in Episode 12, when we go undercover as the son of a famous televangelist and his boy toy. I'm the boy toy. Anyway, I have BJ on Zoom.

Scene 3: He opens the Zoom screen. A tropical setting. BJ lies on his stomach on a lounge chair. His face is not visible.

BJ: Good morning, Angels. Your assignment this week is to go undercover at a Speedo contest, to see who is...um, trying to sabotage...well, whatever, it's a Speedo contest.

Gideon: Didn't we go undercover at an underwear contest two weeks ago?

BJ: Do you know how hard it is to come up with scenarios that get you guys out of your clothes for extended periods? Lifeguard, surfing instructor, stripper, underwear tester, and that's about it.

Titus: What will you be doing while we're risking our lives and our virginity?

BJ: Oh, I'll be very busy...gathering intel....(two musclemen walk past)....taking measurements (a muscleman brings him a drink)...interrogating suspects under the covers...um, I mean undercover. (He ends the Zoom meeting.)

Liam: Wait, I thought BJ was straight. He's married to Judy.

Keefe: Of course he's straight.  He was just talking about detective work.  Everyone on this show is straight except me and my...um...  But there's no word in the English language to describe our sexual identity.  

Liam: Oh, please, you and Kelvin are..."

Keefe (cutting him off): NO WORD in the English language.

More words after the break