"Murder Mindfully": "Family is everything," a limp-wrist villain, too much smarm, and not enough murder. In Germany. With Bjorn's backside and Hoseman's hog

I wanted to review the first episode of Murder Mindfully (Achtsam Morden, 2024) because I haven't watched a German tv series for awhile.  

Problem: the first five minutes had my blood boiling, and the rest was nauseatingly saccharine.  But the two main guys have favored us with a lot of n*de photos.

Scene 1: Narrating, Bjorn (Tom Schelling) tells us that he didn't used to be a killer.  He didn't murder anyone until he was 42. Then it was six guys all in the same week, and he did it for a good reason: to get a work-life balance.

Cut to the judge's chambers, where lawyer Bjorn is arguing that his client, accused of a jewelry store robbery, should get out on bail.  He was having a bad day, but he had a noble goal: he wanted to get an engagement ring for his girlfriend.  He may be an immigrant, but he has the same values we Germans do: "he dearly treasures marriage and family."  Heteronormative jerk! 

 Getting the ring was an important step toward "cementing the relationship with his girlfriend."  Ok, he's heterosexual, so he can't be a bad guy?  

Discovering that the defendant has slept with a woman and is therefore a good guy,  the judge quickly grants the bail.  

Except Bjorn was lying: the guy actually has no girlfriend!  He is immersed in a homosocial band of brothers.  Evil!

Bjorn notes that early in his career, he would never have petitioned to let an evil/no girlfriend guy out out on bail,  but now he works for a disembodied limp-wristed hand with an ostentatious lady's ring.  On your way to audition for RuPaul's Drag Race, girlfriend?

Limp-Wrist, aka Dragan Sergowicz (Sascha Gersak), is the head evil/no girlfriend dude in town, running drugs, weapons, prostitution, and other disgusting things. Sex work is legal in Germany.   He keeps Bjorn busy cooking his books and bailing out his no-girlfriend goons.
 

Scene 2: Bjorn (left) gets home late, having missed...you know what's coming, right? -- the birthday of his young Daughter/Reason for Living, who is asleep on the couch clutching a stuffed animal, pushing up the cutesy junk to the max. This is the meaning of life!  Family is everything!   At this point Tonstant Reader thwowed up.  

Wife is angry with him, and suggests mindfulness so he can go back to "family is everything" again,  But you can't spend 24 hours a day gazing at your wife and Daughter/Reason for Living.  You have to eat and sleep sometime.  

But Bjorn gives it a try.  He stares at Daughter/Reason for Living for about 10 minutes, then carries her upstairs to her room and has endless tender tucking-into-bed moments that I fast-forwarded past.

Scene 3: The next day at work -- wait, why are you still working? Why aren't you home gazing at your wife and daughter? Family is everything, remember?

Bjorn is upset because there's a roomful of suits congratulating each other over some sort of work victory.  The bullying secretary taunts him: "Oh, weren't you invited?  What a pity."  You weren't invited either, lady.   

Bjorn narrating: "I was the Cinderella of the law firm."  He had to do all the dirty work -- anything unethical or illegal -- but it was all hush-hush, so no one knew that he did anything at all.

Darn, dude is a failure at "work is everything," too.   

He has to make a change.  He hates "trite, useless New Age junk" like the idiotic mindfulness his wife suggested, but "I'd have moved to Sodom, Gomorrha, or a hippie incense shop" to get back to "family is everything!" Hey, is that a homophobic dig?

Scene 4: Bjorn's appointment with the mindfulness guru, an elderly guy with a huge empty studio, who chides him for being late.  Stay in the moment, dude.

Left: Bjorn's d*ck

He spends the next 17 minutes of screen time in his mindfulness training, and the rest of the episode trying to combine "family is everything" and "work is everything" by taking Daughter/Reason for Living to work.  When is he going to start murdering people?

Scene 10: At Minute 27, Limp-Wrist seeks out Bjorn for help.  He got a tip that Igor was moving into his territory, so he beat him to death and set him on fire.  But Igor worked for rival Crime Boss Boris, and now Boris wants to kill Limp-Wrist. Neither of these guys appear in the cast list

By the way, 50 schoolkids on a field trip videotaped the murder and posted online.  Limp Wrist jumped on the bus and yelled for them to keep quiet or he would kill them all.  They recorded and posted that, too. 

You're getting in deep, Limp-Wrist buddy.  See what happens when you don't have a girlfriend?

"So, what are you going to do for me?" Limp-Wrist asks.

More after the break. Caution: Explicit.

Bjorn: "There's too much evidence.  I can't get you off, but if you go to prison, you'll be safe from Boris."

"Nope, not going to prison.  I have a limp-wrist criminal empire to run."

Left: Limp-Wrist's limp wrist and d*ck

Bjorn's next suggestion: "Go into hiding for 30-40 years?"

"Good idea.  Drive me to the lake house."

"I can't.  I have my Daughter/Reason for Living with me.  Family is everything,"

Limp-Wrist doesn't like this, and attacks.  "Drive me to the lake house, or I'll kill you and your Daughter/Reason for Living"  Family is not everything to our gay-stereotype villain

Scene 11:  Bjorn embraces mindfulness.  Staying in the moment, he picks up his Daughter/Reason for Living, twirls her and does other family-is-everything things, then calmly rides down the elevator to the parking garage. The end.

Hey, where are the murders?  I'll start Episode 2.

Episode 2, Scene 1: The cops in a briefing about Limp-Wrist's highly-visible murder.  The boss assigns Mőller (Johannes Allmeyer, left) and a female cop to interview his lawyer, Bjorn.

On the way out, Mőller asks the female cop if she wants to be relieved of the case because she has a history with Bjorn. "No. We were classmates, but we barely knew each other."  She's lying -- they were in love.

Scene 2: Meanwhile, Bjorn is still on his way down the elevator, talking smarmy cuteness with his Daughter/Reason for Living.  I'll fast-forward past the flashbacks of syrupy sludge.

In the parking garage, Daughter/Reason for Living waits in the back seat, Limp-Wrist climbs into the trunk, giving us another shot of the ring that he forgot to remove after his last drag show -- and they're off.

Or not. Mőller stops them at the car park entrance.  "Random vehicle search."  Bjorn points out that random vehicle searches are illegal on private property, and he lets them go.

I'm fast forwarding past the gushy "Family is everything" conversation between Bjorn and Daughter/Reason for Living as they drive to the lake house.

Scene 3: They arrive.  "What's in the trunk, Papa Dearest?"  

 "You mean the banging and yelling, Daughter/ Reason for Living? Just work stuff."  

"You can work later.  Time for gushing, smarmy family-is-everything time.  Am I your Reason for Living, or not?"  

So he leaves Limp-Wrist pounding in the trunk while they go swimming.  Later, he tucks his Daughter/Reason for Living into bed, smarm, smarm, grabs a bottle of booze, drinks and goes to bed himself  They sleep together? That's disgusting!  In the U.S., he'd be arrested.

Wait -- did you forget about Limp-Wrist?  Or did you leave him in the trunk on purpose to kill him?

Scene 4:  In the morning they get pancakes, smarm smarm.  Bjorn drops Daughter/Reason for Living off with her mom, and then he returns to the lake house to dispose of Limp-Wrist's body.  So how is Limp-Wrist going to be the Big Bad of the season?  Flashbacks?

The disposal, and sitting by a fire in his underwear afterwards, take up all of rest of Episode 2.  The end. Wait, where are the murders?

Beefcake: Bjorn's chest.  Marathan Mushu, top photo, and Marc Hoseman, left, appear in every episode, but I'm not sure who they play.

Heterosexism: Family...Is...Everything

Gay Characters: Limp-Wrist displays gay stereotypes, and has no girlfriend. 

Saccharine: Lots

Murders: Just one in the first two episodes. 

My Grade: At least they had a gay character. D.

Bonus: Marc Hoseman's  d*ck.

See also: "Bumper in Berlin," Episode 1.1: Bumper from "Pitch Perfect" moves to Berlin, sings, meets a hunk

The Regensburg Choirboy: Why go downtown if you can't kiss?

Ich bin ein Berliner: Eight divine dudes from Deutschland

David Naughton: The hottest guy of the Disco Era tells us to "Be a Pepper" and shows his d*ck