Friday, June 30, 2023

BJ's Angels: A "Righteous Gemstones" Spin-Off


Announcer: And now another episode of BJ's Angels.

Intro (BJ narrates off-camera): Once there were three little muscle boys who went to work on another show called The Righteous Gemstones, two in Kelvin Gemstone's God Squad, and the other as Eli Gemstone's driver. (Sarcastic) And they were each assigned very sexy duties. (Shots of Liam falling from a human pyramid, Titus being lowered into a tiger cage, and Gideon driving in a car chase).

But I took them away from all that, and now they work for me. My name is BJ. 

Montage:  Joel Rush as Titus (winning a bodybuilding contest)

Peter Kaasa as Liam (in his underwear, pulling a gun from his crotch)

Skyler Gisondon as Gideon (in a suit, clicking wine glasses with an unidentified person)

Tony Cavalero as Mr. Keefe (trying to answer six telephones at once).

Guest star Adam DeVine as Kelvin (giving Keefe a bag lunch as he rushes out the door, like a 1960s sitcom housewife). 

And special guest star Tim Baltz as BJ (a mysterious hand on a computer keyboard)

Scene 1
: The Angels in their dressing room. Gideon, fully clothed, is tying his tie, but Titus and Liam are still in their underwear.

Titus: Hey, this t-shirt is just extra-extra-large. Liam, I think you got mine by mistake.

Liam: (Checks.) Oh, right, this one is extra-extra-extra large. Sorry, Titus, I'll take it off. Of course, the only way I can do that is by taking off my jockey, too (Rips off his t-shirt, then lowers his jockey, displaying his bare butt.) That's one, by the way.

Gideon: (Glancing over) One what?

Liam: We're contractually obligated to display our butts twice per episode.

Scene 2: Keefe enters, wearing a suit, carrying a laptop.

Liam and Titus: Good morning, Mr. Keefe.

Gideon: Good morning, Uncle Keefe.

Keefe (to Gideon): Hey, don't tell anyone that we're related, or else the fans won't ship us, and we won't get a lot of play on fan boards. Those fan boards can make or break our characters! So just pretend that you're my very good friend.  What couple name do you like, Gideefe or Keefeon?

Gideon: That's gross! No way I'm going to queerbait with my Uncle Kelvin's boyfriend!

(Everyone gasps).

Keefe: You can't say the b- word on television!  The proper term is 'my Uncle Kelvin'"

Titus: I'll queerbait with you, Mr. Keefe.

Keefe: You definitely will, in Episode 12, when we go undercover as the son of a famous televangelist and his boy toy. I'm the boy toy. Anyway, I have BJ on Zoom.

Scene 3: He opens the Zoom screen. A tropical setting. BJ lies on his stomach on a lounge chair. His face is not visible.

BJ: Good morning, Angels. Your assignment this week is to go undercover at a Speedo contest, to see who, trying to sabotage...well, whatever, it's a Speedo contest.

Gideon: Didn't we go undercover at an underwear contest two weeks ago?

BJ: Do you know how hard it is to come up with scenarios that get you guys out of your clothes for extended periods? Lifeguard, surfing instructor, stripper, underwear tester, and that's about it.

Titus: What will you be doing while we're risking our lives and our virginity?

BJ: Oh, I'll be very busy...gathering intel....(two musclemen walk past)....taking measurements (a muscleman brings him a drink)...interrogating suspects under the, I mean undercover. (He ends the Zoom meeting.)

Liam: Wait, I thought BJ was straight. He's married to Judy.

Keefe: Of course he's straight.  He was just talking about detective work.  Everyone on this show is straight except me and  But there's no word in the English language to describe our sexual identity.  

Liam: Oh, please, you and Kelvin are..."

Keefe (cutting him off): NO WORD in the English language.

More words after the break

Sunday, June 25, 2023

Bondage doesn't solve everything: a Kelvin/Keefe romance

The scene was especially intense tonight.  Kelvin, Keefe's boyfriend -- and for tonight, Master -- had him chained to a St. Andrew's cross, wearing a gigantic slave collar, the biggest in his collection, making it hard to breathe.  The nastiest alligator-clamps on his nipples.  And he was using a rider's crop on him!  

"Ow!" Keefe had subbed in a lot of BDSM scenes, back in the old days when he was Baby Queef, a performance artist at the Club Sinister, but he had never been into the pain part.   How about something fun, Babe, like edging me, or forcing me to do oral?   

"Ow!"  But Kelvin was new to BDSM, and not really good at reading his signals.  He wasn't even experienced in vanilla sex.  What do you expect from someone who grew up as the youngest child of world-famous megachurch pastor and televangelist Eli Gemstone, a role model (and teen idol) for millions of Christian kids?  That's a lot of pressure!  No wonder he was too guilt-ridden or worried about his image to do much sexual experimentation.

Kelvin unhooked his slave collar and pushed him down to his knees.  Oh boy, forced oral coming up!  Keefe thought.  But instead he got his horse whip and started on Keefe's chest. 

"Ow!"   Remember, he told himself, this is Kelvin, the love of your life.  You would do anything for him.  Keefe had been in love with him since Day 1, when Kelvin dragged him off-stage during a Baby Queef performance and moved him into his house.  But the preacher's son was deeply closeted: it took him over a year to say "I love you," and another before he would allow them to become intimate.  He still refused anal, either as the top or the bottom.  But that was fine...oral was all that Keefe needed. And kissing -- a lot of kissing. Maybe getting tied up and "forced" now and then, to spice things up.  

Is that really all I need? He asked himself.  Do I really want to spend my life on my knees, looking up at Kelvin?  Do I want a Master?

"This will teach you your place, Slave," Master was saying.  "You'll think twice before disobeying my orders again."

Huh?  What orders?  This was a scene -- a game.  Outside the dungeon, they were equal partners.  Weren't they?

"Wait -- Kelvin, are you punishing me for starting a teen group without your permission?"

"You will address me as Sir."

"I will address you as Kelvin.  Answer the question: Are you punishing me for starting a teen group without your permission? "  

"Ow!"  The whip came down on his back, hard.  He roared with pain and rage.  "Get me out of here, jackass!  Now!"

"The safe word is 'green.'"

"Green, green, green!"

Kelvin put down the whip.  "Ok, ok, hang on."  He started untying the ropes.  "What's wrong, Keefe?  I thought you liked this.  You're aroused"

"Kelvin, you're standing in front of me naked.  Of course I'm aroused"  His hands free, he removed the nipple clamps and sat down on a leather bench. 

"You know that love you," he began.  He had said it a hundred times before, but here, now, it felt different.  "But it's not like any other love I've ever felt.  It's white-hot, fierce, so intense that I lose myself.  Everything I want, everything I need falls away.  All I want is to look into your eyes forever."

"That's a good thing, right?" Kelvin said.  "You're everything I need, too."

"And you want it to happen," Keefe continued.  "I don't really have a job, with duties and a salary -- I do what you tell me to do.  If I make a suggestion, you dismiss me.  If I disagree with anything, you pout." 

"You apologized for starting that teen group without my permission," Kelvin said, "And I forgave you.  Why are you still harping on it?"

"Everything I own is either a gift from you or something I bought with your money. "  

"I didn't know you felt this way," Kelvin said, sarcastic.  "I'm sorry that I buy you things."

"I'm one of your accessories, someone to parade around so everybody thinks you're cool."  Suddenly the tears started up. "I want to share my life with you; I don't want you to be my life.  I want us to walk side by side, as partners.."

"But Keefe, you are my partner," Kelvin said, paling as he realized what was happening.

"No, I'm not.  I'm your boy toy."  The tears started.  He struggled to talk.   "I have to go.  Right now."  

"No, don't...I love you..." and as Keefe headed to the door.  "You can't go out like that.  At least let me take off the slave collar."

But he couldn't wait.  Kelvin followed for  a few steps.  "Wait..." he called, his voice cracking.  He was starting to cry, too.  "I love..."

Keefe ran up the stairs, across the foyer, and out of the house.  Should he go back inside to change clothes and pick up some car keys? No way -- if he turned back, he would collapse into Kelvin's arms. He took one of the golf carts and drove it, tears burning in his eyes, across the estate to Judy and BJ's house.  

Judy, Kelvin's older sister, answered the door. "Keefe, darlin', you're crying.  What's wrong?  Did that jackass Kelvin do something?  Did he hit you?"

"Not like that," he managed to stammer.  "I...I....think I left him." 

She led him to the couch in the parlor, and sat with her arm around his shoulders.  Soon BJ appeared, and sat on other side.  It took a moment for him to speak. "I need somewhere else to stay tonight.  And maybe...."  He broke down again.

"Of course you can stay here until you get things sorted out,"  Judy told him.  "And even if you don't.  You're part of the family, with or without Kelvin.  You'll always have a home here.  I'm sure Daddy will be happy to give you his father's house, since Gideon doesn't want it."

"It's too early for plans like that," BJ told her sternly.  "Right now we just need to get Keefe through the night.  Could you go into the kitchen and make us some tea?"

"I don't know how to make tea!" Judy protested. "Emilia always makes it."

"Oh -- just microwave some water and put a Lipton's teabag in it."

"Water will be fine, Judy," Keefe said.

She vanished into the kitchen.  BJ kept his arm around Keefe.  "Buddy, it's hard being the partner of a celebrity.  You're in their shadow so much that it feels like you're losing yourself.  I know from experience."

Keefe stared.  That was exactly what he said, half an hour ago.

"But you don't just let it end.  You have to fight.  Find some way to be your own man.  Find a life that doesn't revolve around him.  If he loves you, he'll accept that."

"Maybe I'll fight tomorrow," Keefe told him.  "Right now I'm too tired to think,"

"Oh, of course.  Stupid of me.  We'll get that collar off and find some pajamas for you to wear.  Will you be ok by yourself in the guest suite?  I could bed down on the couch in there. "

"No, that's ok.  I just want to sleep."

In the morning,  the housekeeper Emilia made turkey sausage, 12-grain toast, and a fruit parfait just for Keefe, but he couldn't eat more than a few bites.  At least he wasn't crying anymore, but...he had been with Kelvin almost every moment for the last three years.  Even having breakfast without him seemed strange.

"Morning, Brother."  Kelvin was there, right in the doorway!  Judy stood quickly to block his entry. 

"Can't I just talk to him?"  

She looked at Keefe for validation. He shook his head.

"You heard the man.  Get out!"

"Judy, I came to pick you up for the Salvation Center.  We have a board meeting in half an hour."

"That's a lie and you know it!  We always take separate cars..."  She glanced back at Keefe again.  "Oh, sorry, I forgot that I asked you to pick me up this morning."  She returned to the table, kissed BJ on the cheek, and hugged Keefe.  "Bye, y'all.  I wish I could come along on all the fun things BJ has planned for you today!"

Then they were gone.  Keefe watched for a long time, hoping that they would return for something, and he could see Kelvin again.  "What fun things do you have planned for us today?" he asked.

"Oh, Judy was just trying to make Kelvin mad.  In a few minutes I'll pop over to your house and get some of your stuff.  Then I'm free all day , if you want to do something -- go to the beach or Splash Mountain, or to a movie. Or we can just hang out here and play video games."

Keefe frowned.  "Don't go to any trouble on my account.  If you have somewhere to be..."

More after the break

Saturday, June 17, 2023

Kelvin and Keefe have sex, so why can't they kiss?


I admit, I'm obsessed with the relationship between Kelvin and Keefe on The Righteous Gemstones, about a family of rich, famous, glitzy televangelists (Season 2 ended in February 2022, but I just signed up for HBO Max, so I just watched.  Season 3 will drop this summer.)

Kelvin (Adam DeVine) is the youngest son, a muscle enthusiast, generally responsible for the youth ministry at the anchor church.  Keefe (Tony Cavalero) is his sweet , slightly-muddled mansion-mate, a former Satanist whom Kelvin saved.  I read reddits and reviews and interviews, watch youtube clips, re-watch episodes, accumulating evidence that they are gay and romantic partners:

Season 1:

1. Neither express any heterosexual interest, nor does anyone ever suggest that they should.  If an event calls for a date, Kelvin always brings Keefe.  

Keefe states that he "never dated (girls) much, saw no need to," and that "Baywatch didn't affect me."  At the Satanist Club, he recoils in literal disgust at the sight of a naked lady (you can see him saying "Ewwww"), but naked men are fine.

2. Keefe used to dance naked in a cage at the Satanist Club.

3. They break up after an argument, and Keefe returns to the Satanist Club.  He is heartily greeted and hugged, but only by men.

4. Kelvin is distraught.  One of the teens surmises that he is upset about his "boyfriend," and helpfully uses social media to find out where Keefe is.  Kelvin stutters: "'re not gay...we're just two guys who like to hang out...and stuff."  Maybe he didn't want to come out to a teenager? 

5. But he rushes to save Keefe from the Satanists, and finds him in a sensory deprivation tank (with a probably prosthetic arousal).  He jumps in, pulls out the wires, and hugs and holds Keefe, crying, kissing his forehead.  Keefe: "Hold me."  Kelvin: "Hush!  I'm here now."  

Season 2:

6. After an assassination attempt, the family gathers in a safe house.  Kelvin and Keefe are shown running toward the house, holding hands.

7. While Kelvin completes a cross-raising challenge, Keefe is kneeling in prayer.  Kelvin offers him a hand to raise him to his feet, and they hug and press foreheads together.  I am particularly interested in the moment where Keefe changes position to hug Kelvin more tightly.  They should be kissing, but they aren't.

8. The Patriarch Eli (John Goodman)  is shot.  After his recuperation, he thanks "Kelvin and Queef" for administering his physical therapy.  This has proven to him that they are not just goofballs, but assets to the family.  Thus recognizinKeefe as Kelvin's partner?

9. Kelvin has his hands broken, so Keefe has to help him dress.  He stares at Kelvin's naked body, then kneels directly in front of him, in blow-job position. 

Kelvin groans, grimaces, throws back his head, then relaxes and caresses Keefe's hair. Keefe says "Nice!".   Did they just have sex?  There is no other logical reason for Kelvin's reaction, or for Keefe's "Nice!"  Still, the scene lasts for only a second or two, so either there was a time lapse, or Kelvin really, really enjoys putting on his underwear.

As he finishes dressing Kelvin, Keefe nose-boops him (playfully pokes his nose).  According to internet research, a nose-boop is a "substitute for a kiss."

Keefe then hugs him from behind to put on his belt.  Wouldn't it be easier from the front?  But I guess Keefe has already done things with that side.

10. They talk with their faces inches apart.  No one talks that way, not even lovers, unless they are planning to kiss.

11. In the first season, Keefe asked to join the family for their traditional Sunday dinner.  Kelvin said "No, it's just for family."  Now he joins them.  No one questions this.  

The other couples hold hands in slow motion on their way to the dinner; Kelvin holds out his hand, and Keefe cups it.   Keefe looks embarrassed, as if he's not sure how the family will react; Kelvin looks defiant, daring someone to make an issue of it.

12. Patriarch Eli announces a "just for family" vacation at the opening of a new Christian-themed resort.  Apprised that Joe Jonas, the former Disney boy band star, will be there, Kelvin gets excited, nudges Keefe, and exclaims "We're going!"  No one questions that "just for family" now includes Keefe.

13. In church, the three Gemstones are performing "My love for you will never die," and Kelvin points directly at Keefe.  As Keefe sings, he points directly at Kelvin.  No one else uses this gesture.

14. Anytime the family is together with their partners, the camera pans to the eldest son with his wife, the daughter with her husband, and then Kelvin and Keefe.

15. Kelvin hires a "God Squad" of musclemen, who don't seem to do anything at the church.  They spend their time lounging around shirtless on the compound, lifting weights and flexing.  Which is, apparently, what Kelvin wants them to do.

16. On his instagram, Tony Cavalero posts fan art about the two being a couple, and states that he's played John Goodman's son-in-law twice (actually he's dating Dan's granddaughter on The Connors).  And this: "Hold on tight to the one you love the most for the Premiere of The Righteous Gemstones"

So the actors are portraying Kelvin and Keefe as a romantic couple.  Everyone on the show, without exception, assumes that they are a couple.  They hold hands.  They nose-boop.  They have oral sex.  Why not just let them kiss?

Three possibilities:

1. Satire.
  Evangelical Christians go to great lengths to sublimate or deny their same-sex interests, so maybe Kelvin and Keefe just aren't ready to admit that they are in love, in spite of their obvious, even over-the-top displays of affection.  This seems unlikely, since several family members have indicated that they are fine with gay people, and everyone already treats them as a couple.  I'm sure that an official coming out would be unnecessary.  "Keefe and I are boyfriends."  "No shit, Sherlock, I've known that ever since he moved in to your mansion."

2. Queer Baiting.  TV Shows often portray two guys as boyfriends in everything but the kissing, so they can back down at the last minute and say "Fooled you!  They're really straight."  This seems unlikely, since the hints go beyond mere hinting to basically shouting.  Their entire story arc is about their romance. If you watched a Season 2 episode without seeing Season 1, you'd assume that they had already been identified as a gay couple..

3. Deniability.  Although The Righteous Gemstones is a satire of evangelical Christian culture, it is immersed in that culture, and so draws a lot of evangelical viewers who believe that God hates gay people.  No kissing means that they can keep telling themselves "Kelvin and Keefe can't be gay.  They are Christians."

Friday, June 2, 2023

"I'm Not in Love": Based on the 10cc song.

 I'm not in love, and don't forget it.  

It's just a silly phase I'm going through.

And just because I call you up

Don't get me wrong, don't think you've got it made

I'm not in love.

 I'd like to see you, but then again

That doesn't mean you mean that much to me

More after the break