Netflix thinks I'll "love" Upper Middle Bogan or Rogan, hard to tell from the font. Why would would I love, or even click on, something with an icon featuring a closeup of a lady's breasts, with the title actually written on one? Sounds like a hetero-sleaze fest with gyrating ladies on poles.
Story #1: Lady is driving through an Australian city, applying makeup and nail polish. She stops at an elegant suburban house and brings coffee to Hubbie -- Patrick Brammell, top photo -- who is still asleep. Fully clothed. Wait - why would you put on makeup and nail polish on the way home? Are you pretending to go somewhere?
He smooches her all over, but she stops to ask if she looks yellow today, and if she might have bony metastasis. Is something wrong? Do the boobs on the icon signify breast cancer, not hetero-horniness? Or is she a hypochondriac? He doesn't care; he still wants sex.
Later, they bring lots of birthday presents to the rooms of Oscar and Edwina. The kids argue over whose room they will celebrate their birthdays in. Parents note that they dropped Oscar on his head a lot, and besides, he has an erection, so it will be his room. Edwina is outraged. Something creepy is going on here. Do the kids have an immune system disease, or is Mom delusional, keeping them locked in their rooms?
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They compromise with the kitchen, where the kids interact normally. So all of that creepiness was just to make viewers uncomfortable? Oscar continues to hide his erection, which makes the parents proud. They're proud of an erection?
Left: Dad's bulge
Grandma appears, not phased by Oscar's erection but offended by Dad in underwear -- although she sneaks a peek. She criticizes everyone else, and gives Oscar a maths tutor for his present. This enrages Mom -- the monster made her childhood a living hell, and "look how I turned out! I won't let that happen to Oscar!"
Dad counters that he likes the way she turned out, especially her breasts, which he fondles. Can't you think of anything else, jerk? Seriously, though: "I know you're a wacko, but Oscar will be fine. Besides he's seriously stupid." He makes an offense "I'm stupid" face. Good God, call Child Protective Services. Dad is seriously abusive.
Mom goes back to the kitchen to prove that Oscar's not stupid by asking him to add 13 and 13. The answer he gives: 27?
Whoops, Grandma has collapsed, crashing through a glass table.
Mom goes to the lab and checks on Grandma's bloodwork. Wait -- this seriously mentally ill hypochondriac is a doctor? How does she examine anyone without freaking out and thinking that she has what they have?
Mom argues with the technician, Sam, about Grandma's diagnosis: "You got the bloodwork wrong. My Mom can't have Type A, because Dad was Type O and I'm Type B."
"Nope, I drew the blood myself. She's Type A."
Sam is played by model Kane Felsinger, who doesn't show his chest on screen.
Mom jabs herself to prove that she's Type B. How is that possible?
She rushes out to confront Grandma: "You can't be my mother. I'm adopted." After a lot of mishegas, Gradma admits to it. This is a completely different story from the psycho-parents imprisoning their kids in Scene 1.
At home, Mom breaks the news to the family. "So she's not our Grandma, she's sort of a friend of the family?" "No, we'd never want her as a friend."
Later, in bed, Dad wants to feel her breasts, as usual, but Mom refuses: "What part of you thinks I want to have sex right now?" His penis, obviously. "I wonder what my birth parents are like?" Dad suggests that her mother must have incredibly gorgeous breasts.
More stories after the break
