Netflix thinks I'll "love" Upper Middle Bogan or Rogan, hard to tell from the font. Why would would I love, or even click on, something with an icon featuring a closeup of a lady's breasts, with the title actually written on one? Sounds like a hetero-sleaze fest with gyrating ladies on poles.
Story #1: Lady is driving through an Australian city, applying makeup and nail polish. She stops at an elegant suburban house and brings coffee to Hubbie -- Patrick Brammell, top photo -- who is still asleep. Fully clothed. Wait - why would you put on makeup and nail polish on the way home? Are you pretending to go somewhere?
He smooches her all over, but she stops to ask if she looks yellow today, and if she might have bony metastasis. Is something wrong? Do the boobs on the icon signify breast cancer, not hetero-horniness? Or is she a hypochondriac? He doesn't care; he still wants sex.
Later, they bring lots of birthday presents to the rooms of Oscar and Edwina. The kids argue over whose room they will celebrate their birthdays in. Parents note that they dropped Oscar on his head a lot, and besides, he has an erection, so it will be his room. Edwina is outraged. Something creepy is going on here. Do the kids have an immune system disease, or is Mom delusional, keeping them locked in their rooms?
.jpg)
They compromise with the kitchen, where the kids interact normally. So all of that creepiness was just to make viewers uncomfortable? Oscar continues to hide his erection, which makes the parents proud. They're proud of an erection?
Left: Dad's bulge
Grandma appears, not phased by Oscar's erection but offended by Dad in underwear -- although she sneaks a peek. She criticizes everyone else, and gives Oscar a maths tutor for his present. This enrages Mom -- the monster made her childhood a living hell, and "look how I turned out! I won't let that happen to Oscar!"
Dad counters that he likes the way she turned out, especially her breasts, which he fondles. Can't you think of anything else, jerk? Seriously, though: "I know you're a wacko, but Oscar will be fine. Besides he's seriously stupid." He makes an offense "I'm stupid" face. Good God, call Child Protective Services. Dad is seriously abusive.
Mom goes back to the kitchen to prove that Oscar's not stupid by asking him to add 13 and 13. The answer he gives: 27?
Whoops, Grandma has collapsed, crashing through a glass table.
Mom goes to the lab and checks on Grandma's bloodwork. Wait -- this seriously mentally ill hypochondriac is a doctor? How does she examine anyone without freaking out and thinking that she has what they have?
Mom argues with the technician, Sam, about Grandma's diagnosis: "You got the bloodwork wrong. My Mom can't have Type A, because Dad was Type O and I'm Type B."
"Nope, I drew the blood myself. She's Type A."
Sam is played by model Kane Felsinger, who doesn't show his chest on screen.
Mom jabs herself to prove that she's Type B. How is that possible?
She rushes out to confront Grandma: "You can't be my mother. I'm adopted." After a lot of mishegas, Gradma admits to it. This is a completely different story from the psycho-parents imprisoning their kids in Scene 1.
At home, Mom breaks the news to the family. "So she's not our Grandma, she's sort of a friend of the family?" "No, we'd never want her as a friend."
Later, in bed, Dad wants to feel her breasts, as usual, but Mom refuses: "What part of you thinks I want to have sex right now?" His penis, obviously. "I wonder what my birth parents are like?" Dad suggests that her mother must have incredibly gorgeous breasts.
More stories after the break
Story 3: A race track. The pit crew signals that it's a go, so a woman with big breasts waves and giggles, and the car zooms off. Another woman drags her away. This is apparently extremely deviant, as the other pit crews are frowning and shaking their heads in disgust. Are they Mom's parents, or are we starting a third story?
Afterwards, the daughters think that driver Mum did a good job, but her husband criticizes her for being .08 seconds too slow, and then asks his son how his knee is.
I think the son, Kanye Wheeler, is played by Rhys Mitchell. A racecar family named Wheeler, har har.
In the car on the way home, Husband Wayne is distracted. His wife threatens the intel out of him: No, it's not about the overdrawn checks, or the bank threatening to foreclose on the house. Janice, the daughter they gave away for adoption, called!
Story 4: Cut to the crass working-class birth family having a barbecue and discussing the issue, except now they have no money problems. They live in an elegant house with a swimming pool.
Birth Mom explains that she was 15, and her boyfriend was only 14, with an alcoholic dad who would have kicked him out of the house. So they couldn't keep the baby.
Left: Birth Dad's bum.
One of the daughters wants to know why their Birth Sister contacted them after all this time. "She just found out."
.jpg)
"Oh, she must be retarded, like Kanye, here." These people are incredibly mean, like Mom and Dad in Story 1.
Story 5: The doorbell rings. It's a constable, bringing their teenage grandson Shawn home. He was caught driving his dirt bike without a helmet.
Grandma and Grandpa take away his screens as punishment. They explain to the constable that Shawn has been acting out since his parents split up and he and his Mum came to live with them. So, is this going to be a story about the racecar family, with the wackos minor characters?
Grandpa has a heart-to-heart with Shawn: He is the best driver in the family and planned to go pro, but he won't drive again until Mom and Dad get back together. Way to guilt your parents, kid.
Meanwhile, Grandma confronts Shawn's mother: "This is your fault for demonstrating so much hostility toward your ex. You can't be giving him the finger every time I win a race." Oh, so the ex is a rival race car driver.
"No, it's my ex's fault, for forcing me to choose between his team and your team."
Cut to the wacko family driving to a public park to meet the racecar family. "Ugh, they're bogans," Mom complains. I thought a bogan was some sort of goblin, like the British boggart, but it's actually Australian slang for someone unrefined.
The families approach cautiously, but end up hugging. The end.
Beefcake: None.
Gay Characters: None that I could see.
The Stories: Five distinct stories, with the characters and situations changing dramatically, especially Mom, from a psycho who is holding her children prisoner to a doctor, and the racecar family that changes from poor to rich.
The Breasts: Except for Dad's obsessive grabbing them, they are irrelevant. No female nudity. I imagine that lots of heterosexual men will be very disappointed by the tease in the icon.
My Grade: Story 1, F. Story 2, C. Story 3, D, Story 4, B, Story 5, B.
Bonus: Nude Australian guys
See also: Blair's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 2, including a visit to Australia.
Chris Messina: "The Mindy Project," "Birds of Prey," and lots of movies with angst and dicks
No comments:
Post a Comment