Hulu's six-episode Wreck, not to be confused with the Lost parody Wrecked, has a plot icon with two boy-girl couples, and a plot synopsis about Jamie (Oscar Kennedy) and Vivian, no doubt his Love Interest investigating dark secrets on a cruise ship. But Episode 5 is entitled "Needle in a Gay Stack," so there must be gay characters around somewhere. I reviewed the first episode.
Scene 1: A girl's butt swimming underwater. Ugh, a dreadful beginning. She puts on a towel, stares in disgust at herself in the mirror, and then argues with stalking "I can't live without you!" ex-boyfriend Danny (Jack Rowan).
Left: Jack Rowan's butt
Scene 2: Fielding Ex-Boyfriend Danny's hysterical texts, the girl walks through a gigantic shopping mall and some corridors. Suddenly a knife-wielding person in a duck costume starts chasing her. Wait -- is this a comedy?
Surprise -- we're on a gigantic cruise ship -- I count at least ten decks.
After running and hiding for a long time, she yells "You can't have me!" and jumps overboard!
Scene 3: Three months later, the ship is docked. Pretending to be someone named Cormac, Jamie signs his contract and then joins the others for an informational video: girls in bikinis telling us "Welcome to Velorum, where your dreams set sail." UghTheir supervisors are introduced: Staff Captain Karen, Second Officer Beaker, Third Officer Sam Rhodes (Louis Boyer), who gets gazed at by some girls. By the way, the ship symbol is a duck carrying a surf board.
Left: Louis Boyer's butt and back dick.
Grand tour: apparently there are 2,000 employees? Crew mess hall, Little Ducks Soft Play Palace, theater, officer's mess hall, gym. promenade. Everything is horribly regimented and authoritarian. This is definitely not your grandpa's Love Boat.
Jamie/Cormac couples-up with Vivian, no doubt his Love Interest, Two other recruits couple up: Jerome (Diego Andres) and Lauren.
The entertainment crew, five girls and a boy, snob past in slow motion. Everyone gawks. Staff Captain Karen says that they're busy rehearsing "Apocalypse Wow. Wow Wow." Ok, so it's a comedy. You'd never know that from the somber, deadly-serious plot synopsis.
Asked if he's dating anyone, Jamie/Cormac says "No. Sheffield's gay scene isn't exactly flourishing." A gay protagonist, outed at Minute 10! So Vivian is not his Love Interest after all.
More after the break
Scene 4: While the entertainment crew hula-dances and sings "If you like pina coladas," the passengers board. Mostly elderly male-female couples. Jamie/Cormac returns to his room, sees the ghost of his dead sister, and is shocked to see the real Cormac (Peter Claffey)! OMG, practically perfect in every way.
Plot dump: Jamie came onto the ship masquerading as Cormac to investigate his sister's disappearance (couldn't he have just applied for a job?). But then the real Cormac's girlfriend dumped him, so he came onto the ship to spy on her.
"Ok, just don't leave the cabin." Two ex-girlfriend plotlines? Is that wise?
Scene 5: Jamie goes to work in the kitchen, and asks around. Nobody knew his sister (crew of 2,000, remember?). Her Ex-Boyfriend Danny was the worst, one of the entertainment snobs. They all use drugs. Ex-Boyfriend Danny is the one who chased the Scene 1 girl through the ship, until she jumped overboard. So now we know what happened, we just need to find out why.
Scene 6: While Jamie is screaming in frustration (after just an hour of sleuthing? amateur!), a cute red-shirt approaches to commiserate (I think Oily, played by "Filipino queen" Anthony Rickman). A gay Love Interest!
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Jamie's bff Vivian is being hit on by a sleazy guy who says "I've never been with an Asian girl."
"I have," she responds. So Vivian is gay, too! I'm liking this show a lot more than the super-closeted plot synopsis suggested.
Jamie interrupts, and they bond over discussions of their horrible families: homophobic (Vivian), dead Mom and drunk dad (Jamie).
Scene 7: Hiding in the stock room, Jamie overhears Ex-Boyfriend Danny exchanging drugs for a mysterious portfolio.
Later, he sneaks into Danny's room and finds a mysterious cell phone hidden under his mattress. When Danny returns, he has to hide in the bathroom while the hunk flexes in the mirror (poor guy!). A girl comes in and complains that another member of the conspiracy is "freaking out"
Scene 8: Whoops, a scene not from Jamie's point of view. The girl who was "freaking out" wants to leave: "We're in way over our heads, and after what happened to Danny's Ex-Girlfriend/Jamie's Sister." Where do you go on a cruise ship? A life boat?
Danny the Hunk appears, all ripped and threatening, to talk her out of it.
Scene 9: Jamie sleuths and complains with bff Vivian, then returns to his room, where Real Cormac (the guy he replaced) is lying on the bed, shirtless (sigh), in his underwear (double sigh), eating crisps.
Scene 9: Jamie and BFF Vivian in his cabin. Another plot dump: when his Sister went missing, they were in Panamanian waters. The police sent a detective for a brief investigation, and declared that she committed suicide by jumping overboard.
So a cruise ship with an all-British crew is sailing around Central America?
Suddenly Ex-Boyfriend Danny, his mate Hamish -- James Phoon, left -- and a third person, all in duck masks, break down the door and grab them!
Scene 10: They strip Jamie to his underwear, tie him up, and make him kiss a fish! Surprise -- it's just a newbie hazing ritual.
He's released into a party, with people dancing and chugging. (Jerome from Scene 3 is displaying a nice underwear bulge).
Jamie buddies up to Ex-Boyfriend Danny and asks about the Dead Girl: "We weren't together long. I dumped her."
Eventually everyone hooks up: Danny with the girl who wanted to leave, Third Officer Rhoades with Sophia. Jamie gets cruised by Oily.
Scene 11: After sex, Ex-Boyfriend Danny is lying on his bunk when someone in a duck costume enters. He thinks it's his mate Hamish, and starts to tell a dirty joke. Then the Duck assaults him with a dumbbell! He staggers out into the hallway and yells for help, but no one hears. The Duck stabs him with a knife, then drags him into a secret passage. The end.
Beefcake: Lots. And bulges.
Left: Greg Austin, who appears in five episodes.
Heterosexism: At least two hetero-sex scenes, no gay sex scenes. Not even a kiss.
Gay Characters: Jamie, Oily, and Vivian, for starters.
Mysteries: If Danny is one of the elites in the secret society, why did Duck Man kill him? Is the killer plot separate?
My Grade: A-
Brassic: The top ten brawling blokes, with some bonus Brummie knobs
Marcus Hodson: Shape-shifting demon or hypermasculine Midlands model?
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