Hulu is pushing the tv series Rivals, following the Netflix model of one-word titles that are impossible to research. But from the shots in the promo, it looks like one of those gawdy costume dramas set during the "long weekend," Britain between the wars, the era of Christopher Isherwood, Virginia Woolf, Evelyn Waugh, upper-class people in huge country estates tut-tutting over fox-hunting and cricket and glancing discretely at the gay relations.
Scene 1: The first scene is a guy's butt! He's in an airplane bathroom, joining the Mile High Club with a woman wearing red high-heel shoes. Hey, this isn't the 1930s. The old-fashioned look of the promo is a misdirection, maybe a costume party.
The lady leaves, followed by Member of Parliament Rupert Campbell-Black, Alex Hassel, who gets kow-towed to. As he struts down the cabin, every woman he passes has an orgasm due to his hotness.
TV Mogul Tony Baddington, dressed all in black, with a huge, gross emerald ring, insults MP Rupert for having sex with women. Rupert counters that Tony makes bad tv shows. That will all change now that he's hired hot shit producer Cameron Cook.
Scene 2: The Declan O'Hara Show. The Deputy Prime Minister is criticizing "Drug use, divorce, rampant homosexuality.," especially the "loveless rutting" of gay people. This must be the Reagan-Thatcher- Jerry Falwell "AIDS is God's punishment on evildoers" era.
The Producer won't air ithe show with the mistress reference. Declan throws his papers in the air and storms off. At least he's not cool with the homophobia.
Surprise: TV Mogul Baddingham is in his dressing room. Why not come over to the dark side, commercial tv? We offer a live broadcast with complete editorial control. You can "skewer the bastards on the air" without being shut down. "I'll give you a vast mansion in the Cotswolds as a sign-up bonus."
"I'll have to ask Maud." I thought he was gay. Badminton called him "auntie."
Scene 3: A vast estate where MP Rupert is riding his horse, and a middle-aged, shabbily dressed woman says "Daddy's home" as TV Mogul BadandBreakfast lands in his helicopter. His wife? Why is she dressed like the maid? He has two daughters, whose heads he kisses 38 times. Disgusting!
Meanwhile, Journalist Duncan is driving with his wife and two daughters -- are there no more Y chromosomes in England? -- toward his own mansion, every now and then glancing back to tell one or more of them how much he loves them. Two moving vans arrive. "Prettiest prison I ever saw," Wife comments.
Scene 4: Declan is soaking in a tub when the next-estate neighbor, a woman who writes trashy novels, drops by to say hello. Where are the men?
She likes living near MP Rupert, because he screws like ten women a day, giving her lots of ideas for her novels. She's the only woman in the Cotswolds that said "no." She's not gay, just monogamous, with a husband and kids. Let me guess -- both girls?
Next the Daughters argue over which will be the first to be screwed by MP Rupert.
Scene 5: Journalist Declan drives through the very picturesque village, listening to "You Can Call Me Al" so we know what year this is. At the tv studio, he hands his briefcase to a young black woman and asks, "Where is this Cameron guy that I'm supposed to report to?" Big reveal: she's it, his boss, the hotshot producer.
"You were expecting a man, possibly queer, which you would have endured. But certainly not a woman, and God forbid a black one!" Har-har. Wait -- she's using queer in the old-fashioned sense, as a slur. A homophobic young black woman.
Scene 6: The two burst into TV Mogul BadGuy's office to complain that they hate each other. Also Declan is a serious journalist -- he's signed on interviews with "that film star that did the sex tape" and Jackie Onassis -- and they have him doing a "Mimosas in the Morning" chat show.
Charlie is played by Gary Lamont, who spent 8 years as hairdresser Robbie Frasier on the Scottish soap River City. He had a "troubled relationship" with boyfriend Will.
Scene 7: The Trashy Novelist and one of the Daughters, I can't tell which, walk through the bucolic countryside past an old-style police box -- in the middle of nowhere. Maybe Doctor Who will pop up, and this will turn into science fiction?
The Novelist asks what the Daughter wants to be. She doesn't know. "It's 1986 -- you can be whatever you want!" In the Reagan-Thatcher Dark Ages?
Uh-oh, MP Rupert's fields are on fire! Daughter rushes to the police box, calls the fire department, then runs to the house and around to the back, where Rupert is playing a game of naked tennis with a lady. It's ok, he's just burning off the stubble after the harvest. They argue/flirt; she calls him "abhorrent." Girlfriend, the usual term for hot is "arrogant."
Scene 8: Gay Charlie having dinner with Declan. The waiter, Basil, played by Luke Pasquilano, suggests an expensive wine, then goes off to get groped by three women. Charles dishes: he's is TV Mogul BadWolf's half-brother. Mom had a fling with an Argentinian polo player. But he was Dad's favorite, so the Mogul hates him.
Then Archie shows up to take their order. Dish: he's Tony's son!
More dish after the break
Scene 9: Producer Cameron showing Lady Gosling, the Bigwig who is funding the franchise, the naked men she used to push up the ratings on her soap opera, Four Men and a Mow. They bond over their involvement in the Women's Liberation Movement. Then she suggests putting MP Rupert on the board. TV Mogul BadGuy hates him, but...ok.
Scene 10: Back to the dinner, where Gay Charles is getting sloshed, a big ol' gay stereotype. He brings up the franchise, too. One false move, and Lady Gosling backs out, and they're all back at the BBC.
Scene 11: One of the Daughters trying on a dress, which she hates. Gratuitous nudity as she rips it off. Cinderella...urm, the other Daughter...wishes she could go to TV Mogul Badinov's garden party, too, so she could have sex with MP Rupert. "Don't bother -- he's arrogant." Girlfriend, what does that have to do with the size of his dick?
They discuss whether Mummy and Daddy -- that's Declan -- will continue to hate each other, now that they 've moved to the country.
Cut to the party. TV Mogul Baddingham and his wife dish about the guests. When Declan arrives, Mogul drags him off, leaving his half-brother Basil to flirt with the Wife.
Scene 12: Gerald, MP Rupert's assistant, arrives. He's in a relationship with Gay Charlie, but tells him to tone down the queerness as they chat.
Gerald is played by Hubert Burton, who is gay in real life.
MP Rupert arrives, cutting off the Mogul's speech as the men kowtow and the women have orgasms. He locks eyes with the Daughter who saw him naked earlier.
More wives flirt with other women's husbands. I can't keep track of them all.
Scene 13: Later, TV Mogul Badendorf's assistant brings him some photographs: "A little Declan insurance." We don't see what they are.
Cut to Declan playing pool with MP Rupert, while his wife and daughter gaze at Rupert's butt and have orgasms. TV Mogul asks Rupert to be on the board, but he refuses.
Then a New Guy comes in. "Sorry I'm late...it's hard to get out of bed these days. Have you met my new wife?" The men all congratulate him on dumping his old wife to snare a hot "upgrade." It's the woman MP Rupert was playing naked tennis with! Daughter is disgusted by the debauchery, and vacates.
Rupert's wife has found out about the naked tennis. She slaps him, and blasts off. How could she not know? He has sex with a dozen other women every day -- she must have noticed! She drives away, yelling "I'm going to ruin you."
Daughter: "I'm so sorry." But Rupert doesn't care. He's thinking "I haven't had sex with this one yet....."
Meanwhile, Declan is yelling at his wife for flirting with MP Rupert. She actually isn't interested in sexing him. She hates it here, with the men "desperate to ride anything, as long as it's not their wives." Uh-oh, a dig about Declan's inability to perform in the sack!
Thinking about her getting it on with other guys arouses Declan. They make out.
Scene 14: MP Rupert goes home to say hello to his dogs and check his schedule of the women he's going to screw tonight. The Prime Minister calls to order a meeting tomorrow at 9:00 am sharp. Uh-oh, he's in trouble.
Meanwhile, the Trashy Novelist starts work on her new novel, Rivals. As she writes about men "giving in to their basest desires," we see Gay Charlie and Gilbert having oral sex. Kelvin and Keefe have the same staging, but at least Keefe goes on to swallow.
Beefcake: Some semi-naked guys, one penis, which we saw in Episode 1. But some naked women, too. A lot of naked women.
Heterosexism: I doubt that anyone will have a "happily ever after" here, but there's a lot of snogging,
Gay Character: Femme Charlie keeps pushing his boyfriend to move in together, but Gerald can't be open and have a political career. Finally he finds a woman to marry who's ok with never having sex, and asks to keep seeing Charlie on the downlow. They kiss. In the 80s, you take what you can get.
Declan has a young adult son, played by Gabriel Tierney, who shows up at Christmastime. His first line is "I broke up with my girlfriend. She didn't like the first edition Kafka I gave her for Christmas." Heterosexualized instantly.
Will I Keep Watching: Doubtful. Too many men and women screwing.
See also: Decline and Fall: Theology student sent down for immorality in 1930s Oxford
Shane Michael Parker: Stunt cock, soldier, wolf fan, gay BDSM performer
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