Christmas at the Golden Dragon, on Hulu, drew my attention because we always used to get Chinese food on Christmas Eve. Also the poster shows the focus character deciding between two suitors. One is Osric Chau, who is gay in real life. Plus Jason Fernandes, left, isn't gazing at a woman, so he might be gay. Let's give it a try.
Holy cow, a dozen named characters and their long, boring backstories occupy the first ten minutes!
Focus charcter Romy: Montage of parents and kids decorating trees, opening presents, and hugging. Lots and lots of hugging. It's focus character Romy, at her High Power Job selling Harlow Furnishings: "We spend so much time running around buying things that we forget that Christmas is about hugging." So you criticize buying things in a pitch for buying things, and there are no furnishings in the video? Way to illustrate cognitive dissonance, girlfriend!
On their way out of the meeting, Romy and her assistant discuss how wonderful New York is at Christmas time. Her family back in Wichita owned a Chinese restaurant that was open on Christmas, so they didn't have time to celebrate. That's a switch; usually you abandon the big, heartless city for small-town hugging.
Cut to the restaurant in small-town Wichita, population 396,000, where Romy's Dad is teaching Delivery Boy Miguel how to make a potsticker with peanut butter and shrimp -- their speciality.
Her Love Interest, Blake (Markian Tarasiuk): Hey, Romy is already dating someone in the Big City, but he's actually from small-town Vermont, so he counts as an appropriate small-town Love Interest.
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Miguel, the unattached guy (Jason Fernandes): He's getting ready to make some deliveries. Romy's Mom notices that he got into Princeton and three other "amazing colleges," and he's interviewing for the scholarship that Jane got him.
Jane the Widow: Meanwhile, Romy's Mom chats with regular customer Jane: a retired architect still mourning her late husband, a Wichita State University basketball coach. Why include this irrelevant detail, unless it will be important later?
Her Love Interest, Mr. Barber (Bobby Stewart): Miguel delivers pork fried rice to him, even though he had a stroke and can't have fried food. Also he's not supposed to leave the house, but he told his therapist he was going to the bathroom, and sneaked out. Must be a physical therapist; psychiatrists don't make house calls. But later Mr. Barber comes and goes whenever he wants.
More Love Interests after the break. Warning: Explicit.
Veronica, the Fancy CFO: Next Miguel makes a delivery to the receptionist in a ritzy glass-and-gold building, and she brings it to Veronica, Jane's daughter, the one with the fancy CFO job and didn't mourn her father adequately. Wait -- two gigantic to-go bags just for her?
Her Love Interest, Nate (Antonio Cupo): Jane does a magic trick to entertain the daughters of Nate, who will be alone this year, so he wants to give them the best Christmas ever. He doesn't explain why he'll be alone, just that all the flights out of Hawaii are delayed, but it's still far from the Big Day. But obviously he doesn't have a wife.
Rick (Osric Chau): Cut back to the restaurant kitchen, where Miguel is trying to eat dinner, when Rick -- not Romy's Love Interest, her brother == brings him a dozen more delivery orders.
His Love Interest, Sadie: The cooks give Rick a to-go order to bring to "an annoying customer," but they turn out to be Sadie! He is thrilled to see her! They gaze at each other for a long time; then he explains that he is just visiting his parents for the Holidays. Back story: she's Jewish, she used to work there, she's still going to UCLA, and back in high school, Rick dumped her right before the prom. That could mean that he's gay.
He explains that he was already in college, and his frat brothers told him that it was pathetic to be dating a high school girl. So straight, just worried about what the alpha males think. But maybe they could reconnect their romance? She says no, then ok.
I've had it with these people and their detailed back stories, doubled cliche characters, and no plot except saving the restaurant, which appears to be doing fine -- it's packed in every scene, and people are standing in line for their to-go orders and delivery orders.
The only potentially gay one is Miguel. Let's fast-forward to see if he finds love, or has any gay subtexts.
He buddy bonds with Rick, mostly giving him advice about how to get with Sadie, which is what a gay bff would do.
The grinch CFO Veronica interviews Miguel for the scholarship, but turns him down because he was ten minutes late due to helping people. But after she falls in love with suddenly-single Nate, she sees Miguel wandering around town, helping people, and changes her mind.
When Dad meets Nate, he asks suspiciously "How do you know my son?", as if he suspects a sexual relationship.
That's it.
The last act has seven heterosexual couples passing out engagement rings or smooching, not only Romy-Blake, Jane-Mr. Barber, Nate-Veronica, and Rick-Sadie, but Romy's, Blake's, and Sadie's parents.
And only the tiniest of gay subtexts for Miguel.
My grade: F
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