Greek gods and demigods are usually heterosexualized in modern texts, but in the original myths they were all queer, having sex with any being who caught their eye, and even pursuing an occasional same-sex romance. Kaos, on Netflix, imagines a world where the gods are still active and involved in human affairs, like a royal family with the power to turn humans into artichokes. Let's see how well their queer past holds up.
Scene 1: Prometheus (Stephen Dillane), the one who gets his liver eaten every day, narrates as we zoom in on Mount Olympus: "Power can give a man many things. Taste is rarely one of them." Zeus, Jeff Goldberg, struts Hugh Heffner-like through his gold-and-white mansion, sits on his throne, and invites mortals to worship him on Olympia Day. But you shouldn't: "He's a transcendent, unmitigated bastard."
Prometheus has a plan to bring him down, involving three mortals and a prophecy.
Scene 2: Modern-day Heraklion, Crete, except they're still worshipping the Greek gods, or at least keeping track of their scandals. The first mortal is Eurydice, or Riddy, who isn't interested in politics.
Cut to Riddy at the supermarket, looking at boxes of Spartan Crunch, Gaia's Granola, and Achilles' Heels, har har. A woman tries to pick her up, but she deflects her by mentioning a husband.
Check-out counter: on tv, an announcement of Olympia Day. She buys a pomegranate, har har. Look it up.
Outside, the woman who tried to pick her up is being manhandled by security for stealing cat food. Riddy intervenes.
"Nobody believes me," the woman says, "But it all comes true. I told them about the horse..." OMG, this is Cassandra! Look it up. She tells Riddy, "Today's the day you leave your husband. Your love is dead."
Scene 3: Up on Olympus, Zeus is producing lightning and thunder. His wife Hera arrives, and he shows her the Meander, a fountain where the water flows in circular pattern in mid-air. He will reign as long as it runs. He noticed a blip in it. She thinks he's being ridiculous. He asks "Where's our son, by the way."
Cut to the son, Dionysus, Nabhaan Rizwan, "god of pleasure, madness, and wild frenzy," dancing and carousing at a nightclub, smooching with men and women both, getting a blow job from a lady, then leaving, depressed. He tells the falafel guy that he works for his dad, "but he doesn't take me seriously." So sons have complained since...um...ancient Greek times. He wants to do more for people than just dance and have sex.
Left: Nabhaan's butt.
He zooms up to Mount Olympus for an uncomfortable breakfast. Hera sneers "Would you like some honey?", har har. Look it up.
Dionysus gives his Dad an Olympia Day present: a watch, because "time together is precious." Zeus is not impressed: "nope, ugly." He summons his ball boy to dispose of it. A ball boy to fetch tennis balls, not a sex partner.
It's the wrong time to ask for a promotion, but Dionysus tries anyway: "Make me the god of love, or war, or anything with influence."
Nope. He gets all bratty, so Zeus uses his god powers to pound his head into the table. "Where did I go wrong?" he asks Hera. None of his kids come to visit him.
Down on Earth, they're about to unveil the Olympia Monument. Uh-oh, it's been stolen, replaced by the graffiti: "F*k the gods"!
Zeus goes all Spirit of Vengeance. "Who has desecrated the gods? Who has blasphemed against me? I am going to wipe them off the face of the Earth."
No, he isn't, Hera suggests. Kings delegate power. Call Poseidon (Cliff Curtis, top photo).
Scene 4: Riddy drives home, to where her husband, Killian Scott, is playing his guitar and thinking about how much he dislikes her. Wait -- he's Orpheus. They're the stars in like the greatest heterosexual love story of all time! And their love is dead, har har. They certainly joke, frolic, and kiss like they're still in love.
Back story: Orpheus is a famous singer. But you knew that already, right?
The problem: he's too needy. He forced her to model for the cover of his new album, and his latest song is entitled "Eurydice."
Prometheus: "There's nothing quite like the loneliness of someone you're falling out of love with."
They do some sloppy smooching and hit the bed, Orpheus with his shirt off, Eurydice with her bottom showing, but they're interrupted by Calliope, the Muse of Music, evidently his agent, picking him up for rehearsal.
I'm out of space, but I read ahead to see about the fates of the LGBTQ characters. After the break
Transman Misia Butler plays Caenus, who was female-gendered at birth and grew up among the Amazons. When he transitioned, the Amazons killed him for being a "traitor." In Hades, he starts a romance with Riddy.
Two of the three Fates are played by queer icons, Eddie Izzard and Sam Buttery.
Prometheus used to date Charon (Ramon Tikaram). They reunite and have sex, whereupon Prometheus kills him -- because down in Hades, he'll be instrumental in the plot to dethrone Zeus. Still, it keys into "Sudden Death in the Gay World," the image of the gay man as desiring death, either murdering his lover or being murdered by him.
Daniel Monks, "gay, disabled, and killing it," plays Nax, the exiled prince of Troy who falls in love with Theseus (Daniel Lawrence Taylor), here Ariadne's bodyguard, not her boyfriend. He's killed and turned into a husk. Got to get those gays buried.
Dionysus survives, but finds true love with a woman. Guys are ok for kissing, but love is only ever heterosexual.
There are a lot of LGBTQ characters here, but the tropes are increasingly uncomfortable.
Beefcake: If you like old guys -- and who doesn't? -- this is the show for you.
Left: the penis of Hades (David Thewliss).
Heterosexism: Lots
Gay characters: Lots, but only temporary.
My Grade: The fun of the Greek myth in-jokes is counterbalanced by the portrayal of same-sex love as adolescent "fooling around" or doomed. B
See also: M. Emmet Walsh: Daddy who didn't mind showing his dick
Industry: Five butts, four cocks, and three chests of the top moneymakers of a bank or something in London. Stars Nabhaan Rizwan
Brock Cock, Part 2: Brock O'Hurn plays Torsten, Zeus, Hulk Hogan, and Super Hot Warrior Guy
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