Miles Burris: Bodybuilder/footballer/family man "will come upon you." Plus some random dicks

 

Former football player Miles Burris broke into acting with roles as football players in Starwood and Safety, and a lot of buffed guys: Rip Hardcore in The Really Loud House,  Triple H in Young Rock, Huge Guy #1 in Gym Rat and Mr. America in Federation.

He played Lucifer's dudebro brother Jophiel in a 3-episode story arc on Lucifer.

In Season 2 of The Righteous Gemstones, he plays, God Squad bodybuilder Titus, who begins the decline and fall of Kelvin's God Squad cult.  He'd rather exercise than listen to a Bible story. When he is sentenced to a week in the tiger cage as punishment, he exclaims: "Retribution will come upon you, and I'll do the coming."

Sounds ok, dude, but I prefer oral

Miles discusses how he prepared for the role: by watching a lot of youtube videos about Christian muscle groups.  "They would lift their brothers and rip phone books."

Miles' instagram features lots of humorous reels poking fun at the buffed-guy experience.  They tend to be entirely heterosexist, assuming that the only reason guys work out is to get girls, but some of them are funny.

Miles of Miles after the break

"Clickbait": Misdirections, hidden agendas, secret alliances, a gay reporter, and Adam Grenier's dick

 The TV series is called Clickbait, which is ironic, because I clicked on the title to see what it was about, without remembering that Netflix tries to trick you: clicking on the icon starts the darn thing playing, instead of linking to more information, like every other streaming service.  

But it showed a birthday party, and a guy who I thought was Faly Rakotohavana of Unprisoned saying "This present is from me and Eric."  Obviously a gay couple.  So I kept watching

Scene 1:  It's an old lady's birthday, so the gift-givers are her adult children.  The only other male at the table is a middle-aged man, so Eric may be Faly's father rather than his boyfriend.  The short-blond-haired Pia gets very upset because the siblings were supposed to go together and buy Mom a bread maker, but they went behind her back and bought her a planter instead.  

Mom says that it's ok, she loves the planter, but Pia starts yelling at Eric and the young lady on the other side of the table, probably her sister: "You always do this!  You try everything in your power to destroy me!  This is the worst night of my life, and it's all your fault!"

"The planter is fine, dear..."

"This isn't about you!  It's about how those two hate me so much that they've sabotaged every plan I've ever made!"   She runs outside and screams in the middle of the street as a car pulls up.  Uh-oh, she's going to be kidnapped.

Cut to Pia walking through downtown Oakland, past a kissing gay couple.  Eric texts to see if she's ok: "Sure, I just need to get drunk and hook up to try to forget this awful night!"  She drops into a nightclub to dance crazily. 

Eric and Faly appear to see if she's ok.  Then they dance together.

Update: according to the IMDB, they are new characters played by Enzo Nazario and Kashmir Sinnamon.  The director just thought it was a good idea to cast lookalikes of Eric and Faly, and have them ask if she's ok minutes after Eric asks if she's ok.

 Scene 2:  Drunkenness accomplished, Pia goes into the nightclub restroom, sits on the toilet, and looks at a dating app -- with both men and women as possible matches.  She chooses Woody, age 36, .6 miles away.  Uh-oh, he's going to stalk her.

They make a date to get a drink right now.  She gets up, and -- splash! 

Scene 3: Home to bury the cell phone in rice.  She then takes some pills, eats yogurt marked "Elli," masturbates to porn, watches cute-cat videos....

Morning: driving to work, more pills, having to take over the phlebotomy for a nurse who can't find a vein: "Pia always gets me the first time," the cute patient Vincent, played by Jack Walton, tells her. I definitely don't want someone as unstable as Pia drawing my blood.  He offers her some crazy youtube videos, like "Ghost Dog Caught on Camera." 

Then a Vlogger shows a video she received of a guy holding a sign, "I Abuse Women."  If it gets 5,000,000 views, he's going to die.  Wait -- it's Eric, the guy from the head of the table last night!  I thought this was going to be about Pia being stalked by a hookup.

Scene 4: Pia tries to call Nick -- who the heck is Nick? -- but he's not picking up.  Then Sophie, either her mother or her sister, but she's in class all morning.  So she drives to the University of Oakland, where Nick works, and shows the video to Matt the Volleyball Coach.  "Did he come in this morning?"  Matt  checks: nope. 

Next stop: the Balfour school, where Sophie works.  Chased by the security guard, into the classroom where Sophie -- who was at the birthday party -- is lecturing on same-sex attraction in Twelfth Night.  

Sophie sees the video. "But I saw him leave for work this morning."  Ok, Nick is the one they were calling Eric last night, married to the sister, Sophie, with the teen or young adult as their son.  

Scene 5: Pia and Wife Sophie go to the police, where they are interviewed by Detective Amiri (Phoenix Raie, who becomes a main character).  More details: Eric/Nick is a physical therapist.  He took his bike to work. About the sign saying "I abuse women"?  "No idea.  Eric/Nick would never abuse anyone." Pia seems fully competent today.  Last night at the birthday party, she was full-on bipolar and probably schizophrenic.

They go home. Faly's character, Kai, and a teenager named Ethan are watching the video.  They say that everybody at their high school knows about it.  It's at 300,000 views!  Pia tells them "Under no circumstances click on the link." A few won't make a difference in five million, lady.

Left: Ethan is played by Camaron Engels

Scene 6: Pia goes back to her apartment and retrieves her cell phone from the rice.  Um...a message from Eric/Nick at 1:25 am. He's sorry about blowing up at the party, and there's something going on that they should talk about.  Wait -- Pia is the one who blew up, unless she's an unreliable narrator.

She flashes back to a few days ago, asking Eric/Nick if something is wrong: he's all quiet and brooding. 

More misdirection and some butts after the break

"That 90s Show": Ozzie comes out, teen boys try out a hot tub, and there's pot-smoking. Plus Ashton Kutcher's cock

  

I only watched a few episodes of That 70s Show (1998-2006), but I saw enough to know the basic plot: a group of high schoolers, nerdish Eric Forman and girlfriend Donna, prettyboy Kelso and girlfriend Jackie, rebel Hyde, and foreign exchange student Fez, gather in Eric's basement to smoke pot, hook up, and make fun of Fez for being nonwhite and gay-coded (although actually heterosexual).  

Left: Grown-up Fez, played by Wilmer Valderrama.

I only remember one gay reference: they give a guy two tickets to a rock concert, and he shows up with a same sex date!  The guys are disgusted, but Donna says "It doesn't bother me."   Apparently there's another episode, with Eric "mistaken for gay." but I never saw it. 

The sequel That 90's Show (2023), fast forwards to 1995, when a new group of teenagers led by 14-year old Leia hang out in the iconic Forman basement.  They don't smoke pot -- this is the pot-phobic 90s -- but they hookup.  And this time diversity has reached Milwaukee: there are three non-white and one gay character, Ozzie, played by Reyn Do.  I reviewed the episode where he comes out.

Scene 1:  Ozzie is setting up a computer for the Grandparents.  Grandpa Red complains.  Grandma Kitty is excited but clueless.

Scene 2: In the iconic basement, Prettyboy Nate (Maxwell Acee Donovan) is showing Girlfriend Nikki an ad for a free hot tub.  "But it's contaminated with other people's juices!" she complains.  "Until we contaminate it with our juices!"  Hey, that's dirty! 

Meanwhile, Focus Girl Leia tells  Hunk Jay (Mace Coronel) that she wants to be "just friends."  He is distraught. Plot complication: she's actually interested, but too shy to admit it!

Fan plot dump: Leia is the daughter of Eric and Donna, and Jay is the son of Kelso and Jackie, all of whom have guest spots on at least one episode.  Hyde is never mentioned, as actor Danny Masterson is currently incarcerated on a rape conviction, and Fez appears regularly as a swishy but heterosexual hairdresser.

Wait -- When That 70s Show ended, it was 1980, naturally, and this is 1995.  Those girls mst have gotten pregnant at the wrap-up party.

Scene 3: Up in the kitchen, Ozzie explains to Focus Girl Leia that he's planning to come out to Grandma Kitty, as Step 7 in his 16-step coming out plan: first strangers, then people he doesn't see often, then people he sees all the time, and finally his parents.  In the 90s you didn't come out to anyone, ever, so this is quite ambitious.  

Scene 4:  Prettyboy Nate and Hunk Jay go to investigate the free hot tub. 

Nate: "This is better than that time we found the nude beach...until we saw my coach doing lunges."  Jay: "This is what my life feels like right now: a sandy, saggy sack."  Hey, are they talking about his testicles?

They play "vagina hands": they put their hands together, open them up, and Jay shoves his face inside and ..um...hey, that's dirty!

The elderly lady who owns the tub suggests that they try it out first.  

Cut to the three of them in the tub in bathing suits.  She proceeds to flirt.  They are uncomfortable. Hey, writers, the actors are over 18, but the characters are 14 or 15-years old.  This isn't funny, it's cringey.

Ozzie comes out after the break

Jimmy Cavaretta: Trapeze artist, nude model, Dating Game contestant, Las Vegas resident

As promised, here is my research on Jimmy Cavaretta.  He turns out to be one of the few non-actors that I've profiled: he's a trapeze artist and nude model.

Born in 1949, Jimmy began training in the circus arts when he was still a toddler, and  in 1962, at the age of 13,  started a trapeze act with his younger sister Terry.  The following year his other sisters got in on the act, and he became the "catcher" and the only boy in the Flying Cavarettas

Circus trapeze artists were still a big deal in the 1950s and 1960s.  The women wore skimpy outfits to draw the heterosexual male gaze, while  the men -- everyone from Tony Curtis to David and Ricky Nelson to teen idol Michael Callan got into the act -- didn't try to hide their bulges. 

Left: David Nelson's bulge.

Jimmy got the full teen idol treatment, with profiles in all of the teen magazines.  He a performed on  Ed Sullivan and The Hollywood Palace.  He released a single, "I Want to Be Free."  He was one of the "bachelors" on The Dating Game.

Meanwhile, the Flying Cavarettas were headliners at the Circus Circus hotel/casino  in Las Vegas from 1968 to 1973.

Then they broke up, Terry to form the Flying Terrells duo, with her husband Ron as the "catcher."  Jimmy joined the Flying Medallions, and toured with the Ringling Brothers/Barnum & Bailey Circus.

He did some acting and modeling work. Only one entry in the IMDB, Like It Is, 1970: a teenage girl runs away from home and starts hanging out with hippies, smoking pot and everything.

The media was coy about mentioning his wife.  They wanted him to be available, an object of desire to the thousands of spectators who gasped at his acrobatics -- and his attributes -- every day at Circus Circus.

Of course, he also became the subject of gay rumors.  

In 1976, his enormous pecs and...um...other attributes...got a centerfold in Playgirl.

More Jimmy after the break

A closeup of his cock.  So much for claiming that Playgirl was all about romance.

When Terry's husband and partner died in a plane crash, Jimmy agreed to take his place in the Flying Terrells.  The siblings continued to headline in Las Vegas, and toured in Europe and Australia.

In 1984, they won a Silver Clown Award at the International Circus Festival in Monte Carlo.  The presenter was Hollywood legend Cary Grant.

Jimmy continued to do occasional nude photos through the 1980s.

In 1991, sister Terry and her new husband had a baby, and decided that it was time to close the Flying Terrells.  But Jimmy and Terry continued to perform on occasion.

Jimmy is retired now, but still goes to fan and circus events.  And I'm still not sure if he is gay.  

You probably want to see David and Ricky Nelson in their acrobat singlets.

See also: "How do I know if I'm g***": A young Gideon story.  Mentions acrobatics

Mark Harelik: You've seen his face a hundred times. Now you can see his penis.  Mentions Jimmy Cavaretta

Kyle Hawk: Gay or gay-positive wrestler, Las Vegas resident. With nude Native American bonus

Gemstones Episode 1.6 Continued: Scotty flirts, BJ is spanked, and Kelvin says "Let's hook up." With bonus Kenya cock

Previous: Episode 1.6: Kelvin sees Keefe's cock, and gets a big head.  Sounds like a fun evening

Earlier in this episode we saw a lot of innuendos about Kelvin and Keefe's relationship going to the next level.  Now it's time to concentrate on Gideon and Scotty.

They are very rude: Since the van is gone, Scotty has to live in a tent. Why doesn't Gideon spring for a cheap hotel?   Gideon tries to help him set it up, but he goes dark again: "I'm tired of this shit, and I'm tired of your fucking family! They are very rude people!"  But at least he looks hot in a black vest with no shirt.

"The van in my uncle's garage," Gideon tells him.  Completely ransacked, with all of Scotty's stuff taken.  Scotty is irate: he needed that stuff!

Cut to Jesse and Kelvin informing the crew that they have the van. Inside they found a sleeping bag, tongs, a copy of L. Ron Hubbard's Dianetics (so Scotty is a Scientologist?), some potato chips, some beans, soiled Q-Tips, and yellow, crusty paper towels. Conclusion: the blackmailers are "fucking amateurs."

Suddenly all of them get a phone call from Scotty.  He wants his van and his stuff back, or "I'm a fuck your life in the ass."  I'm surprised no one riffed on that.  "I'm a release the video."  

Back at the campsite, Scotty and Gideon clasp hands.

Jesse doesn't think he has the video, and tells him to fuck off.

My Slim 3: After scenes with Baby Billy and Judy at the Salvation Center, rehearsing. and Jesse and his crew (without Kelvin) throwing their ceremonial coins into the swamp, we return to the campground.  Gideon has brought lunch for the two of them (Subway-type hoagies). but Scotty goes beserk, destroys his sandwich, and yells that he's going over to the Compound right now to kill Jesse.  Gideon points out that this will keep them from getting the three million dollars from the church's Easter offerings.  Scotty gives up the plan, and grabs Gideon's sandwich, a "Slim 3."

Kelvin comes out on top: Meanwhile, no doubt as a reward for his success with Dot Nancy, Eli has assigned  Kelvin the job of learning enough Swahili to greet the Kenyan refugees who will be welcomed into the church on Sunday   He's already learned fuju karibu, which means "mess around," "have sex."  (He wanted karibu, "welcome."   Uh-oh.)  Judy disapproves, and physically assaults Kelvin. 

Why Kenya, when it's a haven for refugees, not a source  (it's the 13th largest asylum country in the world, with 650,000 refugees)?  Maybe because Swahili is the most well-known African language (viewers might not recognize Hausa or Xhosa). Or because it's 60% Protestant, so joining the Salvation Center makes sense. 

Jambo instead of Karibu: After a scene where Jesse tries to reconcile with Gideon (they admit that they "like" each other), we cut to the church.  As the Kenyan refugees file onto the stage. Kelvin says "Jambo!" and tries to make small talk ("I like your outfit!"). Keefe hands each a white rose.  Two takeaways here: Kelvin is pushing up the flamboyance, and he and Keefe are already inseparable. 

Meanwhile, Eli yells at Baby Billy for stealing his daughter ("Just like you took Aimee-Leigh").  The incest runs hot and heavy with these guys.

Spank that ass:  Judy is in her dressing room, preparing to perform with Baby Billy at the satellite church.   BJ offers her some tea to calm down, but instead she pulls down his pants and wants to spank his bare butt.  He refuses, so she slaps his dick: "Let's see that snowy white dick!  I need a release, dude!'  

He refuses again,  but he does gift her with a soda machine (a parallel to Kelvin's), and retreats to the car so she can masturbate.

This scene is parallel to the "mushroom head" scene earlier in the episode. Both partners become nude, BJ by design, Keefe by accident.  Judy's response is aggressive, masculine-coded, while Kelvin's is passive, feminine-coded. Judy's attempt to make everything about sex, and Kelvin's attempt to ignore his erotic desires, create the conflicts with their partners that will lead to their breakup and reconciliations.

More spanking after the break

Dan Cudmore: Colossus, Felix, fitness model, and the God of War. Plus his colossal Colossus cock

Canadian actor Dan Cudmore has 51 credits on the IMDB, including Peter Rasputin, aka Colossus, in the X-Men franchise, Felix in the Twilight franchise, Jackhammer in Arrow, Gridlock in The Flash, and Behemoth Thing in Superman & Lois.

He specializes in superheroes and supervillains like Colossus, but he's done other projects.  I first saw him in Magicians, as the God of War.  Apprised that a gay-stereotype god called the Nameless is looking for something the other gods stole from him, he responds "I don't know what it is, but you have my permission to search my ball sack with your tongue."  I know he's just playing a character, but still, his homophobic quip left a bad taste in my mouth, so to speak.

His other projects include comedies like Fresh Off the Boat, romcoms like All of My Heart (as the romantic lead's friend who devotes his life to getting him laid), and horror like Rites of Passage, which appears to have a gay subtext -- not his. 

Also 14 stunt credits including Psych, The Predator, Sonic the Hedgehog, and Percy Jackson and the Olympians.

At least one stunt cock.

Some fitness modeling from early in his career?

More Daniel after the break

Mark Harelik: You've seen his physique a hundred times. Now's your chance to see his dick.

 

You might not know his name, but you've seen Mark Harelik's macho "former high school letterman" physique on tv a hundred times.

On Cheers as Reed Manchester, the gay guy who Diane pretends to be married to.

On Wings as Helen's boyfriend, who she didn't bother to break up with before marrying Joe.

On Seinfeld as Milos, who Jerry threatens to out as a terrible tennis player.  Milos offers to set him up with an attractive woman to buy his silence, but she turns out to be his wife.

As Jedidah Lawrence, on Boy Meets World, who lies to his daughter Topanga about the reason he left his wife.

As Jeff, Single Guy Jonathan Silverman's neighbor who takes him in while his apartment is being repaired.  He is in a relationship with Mike (Michael Winters)

As Tim, Jack's boss who keeps making passes at him, on Will and Grace. 

 

As Dr. Eric Gablehauser, the pop-star head of the physics department on The Big Bang Theory

As Joe, buddy of Grace and Frankie's Lily Tomlin and her gay ex-husband, Sam Waterston.

As God in The Preacher, which also starred Dominic Cooper.

Mark's dick after the break