I heard that J. Gaven Wilde wrote, directed, and stars in a movie about a cannibal stalking South Carolina. It might be interesting to see the work of a young screenwriter, so I looked it up: Stalker (2020) on Amazon Prime. Or so I thought....
Scene 1: A scary brutalist office building. Bad boss Steve (Chad Ayers) calls his wife with an scheme to get out of their financial problems: fire Marc and steal his bonus! We don't see Marc's face or hear his voice as Steve tells him that a woman filed a sexual harassment complaint against him, so he's fired. Wait -- wouldn't Marc contact human resources, which would want to interview the woman, and Steve's story would fall apart instantly?
As Marc storms out, Steve chortles with glee over his villainy.
Scene 2: One year later, Thursday. Steve's wife Wendy drives up to their elegant Tudor house and finds a vase of flowers on the front porch: "To my love, see you soon!" Steve comes in, and she demonstrates her latest self-defense move. This will be important later.
Steve wants to know who brought the flowers. "But...I thought you...no, no, no!" Wendy calls the police to report some guy who's been leaving notes on her car and sending her flowers. But he never threatens her, so there's nothing they can do.
She sees a flashlight outside, grabs a gun, and rushes out to shoot and kill -- the meter reader! The Stalker calls: "Did you think it would be that easy? Our fun has just begun!" He examines a photograph of the family.
Scene 3: These are bad dudes, not the least remorseful over killing an innocent man. They simply load the body into the trunk to dispose of. Whoops, their teenage sons, Hayden (Jimmy Ace Lewis, left) and Josh (J. Gaven Wilde, below), want to know what's going on!
"We're going to the lake house. Load up the luggage, but not in the trunk!"
Scene 4: The Stalker breaks into a house where a scruffy guy (Leon Lewis) has fallen asleep in front of the tv, and smothers him to death. I guess so he'll be close to Steve and Wendy's lake house. Definitely not the guy who was fired in Scene 1. He'd be going after Steve, not harassment-flirting with Wendy.
Not-fun fact: If you search for "Leon Lewis" on Google, you get a thousand pictures of a half-naked woman. Who knew that Leon was a girl's name.
Meanwhile, Steve and Wendy arrive at the lake house, send the kids inside, and go off to bury the hapless meter reader in the woods.
Scene 5: Friday. An interminable shot of the lake and a mailbox. Wendy cooks breakfast: scrambled eggs and nothing else. Ugh! You get a better free breakfast at Holiday Inn. The boys want to know what they are doing at the lake house. "Having fun. Shut up." But Hayden is missing a big party, and Josh is missing a big soccer game. "Tough. You're not going."
Scene 6: An interminable aerial shot of the town. Pizza Perv (Troy Fromin, who is apparently heterosexual) leaps out of his car, licks his hair, and holds the door of the Donut King open for Wendy. He trots in after her, smells her hair, and photographs her butt. Instead of punching him, Wendy promises to order from his pizza place for dinner. She gets a call from the cable guy, and gives him her address loud enough for Pizza Perv to write it down. Not a suspect -- the stalker already knows where she lives, and besides, he's as dumb as a fence post. Why steal her address when she'll give it to him when she orders the pizza?
She orders two dozen donuts -- six each!
Scene 7: Josh, the younger son, goes next door to invite Mr. Walker (the dead guy) to dinner. The Stalker left him there instead of disposing of the body. He even left the tv on. No answer, so Josh leaves, and the Stalker peers out from behind the blinds. Darn, I thought he would attack Josh.
Meanwhile, Cable Perv (Jared M. Reeder) knocks on the door, looking for Wendy. Steve is suspicious, but he explains that he is the cable guy.
Scene 8: Josh, the younger son, is canoeing by himself. Always take a buddy, dude. Uh-oh, a perv is watching him. He runs home, terrified. His parents dismiss his concerns: "It was just a deer." Wait, you know you're being stalked, but you don't believe that your kid is being watched? I'm getting more annoyed with these people than I was at the murder.
Scene 9: Wendy actually orders a pizza from the Pizza Perv who smelled her hair and photographed her butt. He tells his associates "Don't wait up," certain that he's going to get laid.
Meanwhile, a buddy is on the phone with Hayden, the oldest, trying to convince him to duck out and come to the party. "There will be girls there!" Teenage boys do everything in order to meet or impress girls, got it. The buddy will even come and pick him up. Isn't it like, hours away?
When Pizza Perv knocks on the door, the boys answer. But he will only give the pizzas to Wendy, because she wants his bod. Wendy is actually nice to him, but shuts the door before he can get around to requesting sex.
More after the break
Scene 10: Everyone eating pizza in front of the tv. Steve wants to know what's up with Pizza Perv. "Oh, he's a harmless perv. I get hit on all the time."
Hayden ducks out to take a phone call. The parents ask Josh to go up and spy on him. He's trying to sneak out the window and go to the party. "$25 to not rat me out."
Scene 11: The party, outdoors, around a bonfire. Teens drinking and doing boy-girl junk. Hayden arrives with his buddy Corey (Cody Howard), discussing how much he likes the Girl of His Dreams.
They get attacked by -- psych! Not the Stalker, a random bud playing a prank. They meet two other buds (Tryston Dye, Vincent Triana), and drink, dance, and discuss how much they'd like to have sex with Hayden's mom. They push him into approaching the Girl and asking her out.
Unfun fact: if you google "Tryston Dye," you get a lot of people named Tristan who died.
Interestingly, the Girl looks exactly like Hayden's Mom, and about twenty years too old for Hayden. But casting is casting. She's totally into him, and is desperate to be asked out. Ever hear of doing the asking, girl? This isn't 1956.
Having accomplished the first step in his plan to win her heart, Hayden returns to the effusive congratulations of his buds. Is any of this going to get a pay-off? Is one of the teens going to get killed? Will the Girl be taken hostage? Or is this just dumb heterosexist filler?
Scene 12: Hayden and his bud Corey on the way home, discussing how much they have each other's backs (I think that's Dudebro for "I love you.").
Hayden gets home to the abusive rage of his dad. He even tries "there was a girl there," which got me out of all sorts of trouble in high school, but Dad is still incensed. Meanwhile, Corey meanders slowly toward his car. The Stalker approaches and stabs him. Finally!
Scene 13: Saturday. Why am I watching this, again? It's dreadful. Interminable shot of Steve and Josh , the younger son, fishing. Meanwhile, the creepy Officer Kingsley (Matthew Ewald) wants to talk to Hayden. "Why, did he do something wrong?" "I'd like to discuss this with him." Parents have the right to be present at all juvenile interrogations, dumbass.
Officer Kingsley acts all creepy and non-professional, even perving on the family photo that everyone who comes into the house finds a turn-on. He tells Hayden that his buddy Corey never came home last night. "You were with him. Did you, like, kill him or anything." Yes, I'm starting to write my own dialogue, to stave off the boredom.
"But Corey was going to his friend's cabin. His Mom wouldn't have expected him home. What was her name, Officer?"
He leaves; Hayden is suspicious, but Mom says "He's fine. No one dressed as a copy could be evil." Um...the Stalker?
He returns: "I'm not going to tie you up right now." So he's going to do it later?
Scene 14: Just as the guys are returning from fishing, Pizza Perv shows up, dressed like the Stalker, presenting a vase of flowers of the same type that the Stalker gave her. Nope, not him. It's the cop. Steve threatens him. He tries the "she came on to me" argument, then runs away.
He gets into his car, crying over his lost love, and exclaims "How can this day get any effing worse?" Then the Stalker strangles him. But he's not in the family.. Why him? Are you going to kill everyone that a family member talks to?
Scene 15: Steve and Wendy leave. The boys stay home to play video games. Suddenly it's night. Wait -- didn't they leave food for the boys? Are they supposed to eat the two dozen donuts?
The Stalker comes in, sneaks up on the boys without being noticed, and when Hayden turns around, splats him with a crowbar! A very funny scene. Wait -- this isn't a comedy, right? Josh tries to run away, but the Stalker grabs him by the tits and punches him.
Meanwhile, Steve and Wendy discuss the creepy cop. "Do you think he knows we had something to do with the meter reader's death?" Steve asks twice, not even bothering to change the wording.
Hayden and Josh are tied and gagged in the garage. The parents come home and call for them. Suddenly the Stalker clobbers Steve. Wendy is better at self-defense, and staves him off for a bit, but soon she is clobbered, too.
Scene 16: They all awaken in the garage, tied up, but Wendy's bonds are laughably flimsy. They want to know why the Stalker is doing this. Finally he takes off his mask.
It's the cop, Officer Kingsley, who is also Marc, the fired guy from Scene 1. But why? Absurdly overacting, he explains. After he was a fired, he lost his home, his wife, and his "babies," So she dumped him, and wouldn't let him see his kids, because he was fired? Not very supportive.
He's going to kill Josh and Hayden, but he's in love with Wendy, like every other guy in a 100 mile radius, so he'll just make her his new wife. She's into it, right? At that moment she breaks free and stabs him. He takes an absurdly long time to die, but doesn't come back.
They row out to the middle of the lake and dump the body overboard. Bodies float, you numskulls. The end. Wait -- no kicker.> No hand coming up from out of the water? No final shock? Yawn...
Beefcake: None. The top photo is of Derek Russo, and the left photo is Jason Tobias. Neither are in this movie. They are just included so I can justify the NSFW rating.
Heterosexism: A lot.
Gay Characters: Nope. Not enough buddy bonding between Hayden and Corey to make a gay subtext. Josh doesn't demonstrate any interest in girls, but he doesn't demonstrate any interest in boys either.
Plot Twists: None. The fired guy did it. Why he waited until they were at the lake house, I don't know. And why so many neighborhood pervs? It's ridiculous.
My Grade: Why did I watch this, again? Oh yeah, because I thought it was the stalker movie that J. Gaven Wilde wrote and starred in. No, that movie has not premiered yet.
No comments:
Post a Comment