Isle of Men: 12 Manx men with tree-trunk calars. Plus bondage, boggarts, fun runs, and a gay god

 


The Isle of Man, between Ireland and Britain, is  named after Manawyddan, the God of the Sea and one of the queer icons of my childhood.  But Manx word for man is mannin, so there could be some connection to the masculine, too.

12 Max men and their cronnys:






1. The Manx word for penis is cronny, but it sounds silly to non-Celtic ears, so I'm going to use the Welsh word, calar











Like several other Celtic languages, Manx became extinct as a result of English dominance (and discrimination: it was stereotyped as a barbaric, "garbage" tongue).  But it's currently enjoying a revival.   There are prizes for the best Manx essay, schools offer elementary instruction in Manx, and 3-6% of the population uses it for everyday conversations.

2. A Manx speaker.









3. A rather thin Manx twink, but I'm including him because of his tree trunk.













The Isle of Man is known for its archaeological sites: the biggest neolithic tomb in the British Isles, early Christian monasteries, the Viking-era Peel Castle.



And for its paranormal activity: trolls, goblins, boggarts, banshees, and tusk-men roam the downs.  There are mysterious disappearances, time-jumps, alien abductions, haunted castles, and lots of neopagans finding meaning in the paranormal energy.

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 2.4: BJ gets baptized, Baby Billy gets Funyons, and there's incest, cake, and frolicking muscle boys

 


PreviousEpisode 2.3, Continued: The darkness of roller coasters, club bulges, hookups, and apples

Episode 2.4 is my favorite of the season. Although we continue with Eli and Kelvin's intertwining darkness, we add two more or less lighthearted plotlines, starring Judy/BJ and new characters Baby Billy/Tiffany. 

Title: "As to how They May Destroy Him." From Matthew 12:14, NASB. The Pharisees are trying to destroy Jesus.

A Boy and His Cat: Flashback: Charlotte, North Carolina 1993.  Going in fresh, pretending to have never seen Season 1, we are introduced to new characters, the grinning, fast-talking Baby Billy, his wife Gloria, and their special-needs son Harmon, in the mall at Christmastime,  Later we will discover that Baby Billy is a ne-er-do-well, constantly coming up with sleazy scams and get-rich quick schemes.  He and his sister Aimee-Leigh were child stars before she went on to a career as a serious gospel singer and married Eli Gemstone.  Baby Billy never forgave her for "abandoning" him.
  
After Harmon gets a photo on Santa's lap, Gloria goes off to shop, leaving father and son alone. Baby Billy offers to let Harmon choose any Christmas present he wants.  He chooses a cat. Then Baby Billy says that he's going off to buy Funyons, onion-flavored snack rings (this will become important later).  Instead he runs away, abandoning his family! 

Remember the Lissons?: We cut to Jesse and Amber hanging out with the Lissons -- the megachurch pastors  planning a Christian resort  -- and discussing how close their friendship has become.  Jesse breaks the news that they can't get their Daddy to fork over the money to invest.  He's asked multiple times, but Eli refuses to budge.

Lyle is aghast. The Gemstones are worth over $600 million; surely Jesse can afford $10 million on his own?   Nope, it's all Daddy's money.  Jesse will control it someday, of course, but not until Eli dies.  

The Lissons are irate, lambast Jesse and Amber for being poor, and break off the friendship.  I think they just liked you for your money, guys.


The Ace of Spades: 
 Kelvin and Keefe figure that they can restore the confidence of the God Squad with a 40-day field trip in the Judean desert.   They walk across the Gemstone airfield, Kelvin in a military coat with a leopard-spotted beret, and Keefe in an oddly feminine black robe, with his backpack in front.  

Notice the Ace of Spades on Kelvin's coat. Some fans think that he is subtly coming out as asexual,  Actually, it was used by British and American soldiers in World War 1, symbolizing luck; World War II, victory; and Vietnam, death.    

But the Ace of Spades is the most powerful card in the deck, so Kelvin probably chose it to signify that he is the most powerful man in the group, the Alpha.

Uh-oh, Martin, Eli's chief accountant and right-hand man,  intercepts  them. Eli has refused to pay for the trip.  Do you see a parallel between Kelvin/Keefe and Jesse/Amber's problems?  

Kelvin bats his eyes, touches Martin's chest, and begs: "You got here too late.  We already took off. Please?"    Wait -- are you flirting with Martin?  Homoerotic hotness doesn't work on everyone, dude.

And it doesn't work: Martin lays down the law  Kelvin is forced to break the news that his father said no, thus losing even more of his authority with the God Squad musclemen.


I Know What a Tomater Is
:  In the Gemstone Parking Garage, Eli finds a tomato smooshed on his windshield.  The Tan  Man (James Preston Rogers) appears and says, threateningly, "Get the message?"  

Eli pretends that he isn't sure -- maybe something to do with a broken heart?  The Tan Man growls, howls, flexes and clarifies: "you hurt my boss's feelings real bad, and he's not the kind of guy who likes to have hurt feelings."  So, what kind of guy senjoy having hurt feelings?  "He wants an apology."  

Having confronted far more formidable foes, Eli is not impressed by the Tan Man's theatrics.  He sends a message for Junior:"tell him to go fuck hisself."  


BJ's Baptism: 
  As people file into the Baptismal Chapel, Baby Billy from the 1993 flashback, now with white hair and a whiter grin, performs "There is a fountain filled with blood" while his new wife, the young, very pregnant Tiffany, looks on.  

Outside, Kelvin argues that he cleared the whole God Squad to attend the baptism!  Nope, only he and a "plus one" are on the guest list.  The God Squad guys start murmuring again. Another blow to his authority! 

Kelvin promises to feed them all -- he asks his date, Keefe, to steal some food, resulting in humorous but ridiculous bits.  Do you really want to eat a shrimp that's been transported from the hors d'oeuvres table in Keefe's mouth?  Why not just go out for hamburgers?

Baby Billy begins the service, bragging that he's on the Christian Pop Charts now, and misnaming BJ as TJ.  He must not be very close to the Gemstone family, either.   Hey, the seat next to Kelvin is empty. Why isn't he sitting with his date?  Is Keefe already raiding the caterers for the after-party?

Next Judy sings: "When a man outgrows the family of his origin, and they've no place in his life./ Cause he's different now -- he's got to show them how."  

She was originally going to sing "Rock my Boy's Body," emphasizing the erotic nature of her relationship with BJ (it was moved to the episode finale).

People stop to ask me, "How do you please your man?"
Take it from the black sheep baby, every way I can
Sometimes it's with fire, and sometimes with ice
Just don't get it twisted, this body's gonna pay the price

Eli takes over and completes the baptism.  Judy introduces him as "BJ Christian Barnes."  


I was disappointed that they didn't actually make it to Israel. It would have been interesting to see Kelvin with Jerusalem Syndrome, where tourists surrounded by so many Biblical images come to believe that they are Jesus or the Jewish Messiah (but I guess he is already the Messiah of his muscle cult).  Plus Tel Aviv has the biggest and most open gay community of any city in the Middle East. 

Left: a Haifa cop.

More after the break

"Happiest Season": Christmas romcom with lesbian couple, pansexual Patrick, Jake's junk, and Candy Cane Lane


Happiest Season, 
on Hulu, is advertised as "A Holiday romcom about being true to yourself and trying not to ruin Christmas."  The icon shows three heterosexual couples, an unattached woman, and what looks like a lesbian couple, but ten to one they're bickering sisters.  







But the husband on the left is Dan Levy, Patrick on Schitt's Creek, and the hunky Jake McDorman, top photo, is at the top of the cast list, so I'll give it a try.

Opening:  They're a lesbian couple!  The opening consists of watercolor-type pictures of two women, a blond and a brunette, meeting, falling in love, going to a family Christmas, celebrating Halloween and Thanksgiving, exchanging gifts, and moving in together.  They kiss twice, so it's unlikely that viewers will identify them as "just close friends."

Scene 1: A residential neighborhood decked out for Christmas, called Candy Cane Lane.  A tour guide gives its history: it was started by Herb Flack, with his nephew Otis playing Santa Claus "until he was arrested for child endangerment."  A pedophilia joke?   The ladies are taking the tour. 

The rich brunette is named Abby, and the poor blonde is Harper.  Somebody goofed --  Harper absolutely has to be the rich one.  It's impossible to keep their names straight, so I'll call them Rich Brunette and Blondie. 

Uh-oh, Blondie doesn't like Christmas, a major crime in these movies, and in real life during the month of December. Rush her to a re-education center, stat!  Brunette argues that it's impossible to not love Christmas -- I've heard that argument a lot -- but Blondie stands firm.

Next Brunette drags Blondie to a house that's not on the tour and up to the roof, so they can look down on the lights.  "Now you love it, right?"  Sure, trespassing makes any holiday more festive.

They complain about being separated for the holidays, kiss and...uh-oh, the homeowner hears them.  They slide off the roof, destroying an inflatable snowman, and run away.  The homeowner is a Santa Claus dominatrix and her reindeer-costume sub, har har.

Brunette has an idea: why not come to her parents' house for the holidays?  Wait -- the water-color intro already showed them with the parents at Christmas.  Blondie agrees.  They kiss for like five minutes. 

What happened to Herb Flack and Otis?  You can't name characters and then have them not appear.  We don't even see Candy Cane Lane again.


Scene 2:
  The ladies' elegant brick house in downtown Pittsburgh.  Blondie works as a pet sitter?  Girlfriend must be an heiress. An old-fashioned phonograph playing a new song, "Jingle Bells" by Bayli, as Blondie says "We need to talk."  Uh-oh.  

It's nothing bad.  She just wanted to say that she got a substitute pet-sitter, John, so she can go.  Um...the first rule of fiction, even in frothy gay-positive fiction: there has to be conflict.

Cut to a coffee shop, where Blondie is giving John (Dan Levy) pet-sitting instructions.  Wait -- in the intro, he's celebrating Christmas  with the ladies and the parents.  I thought he was the Brunette's brother-in-law, married to the scary-looking sister.   

John is distracted because he left last night's hookup alone in the apartment, so he has to keep tracking him to make sure he leaves.  

Takeaway: he tracks all of his friends.  This will become important later.

In other news, Blondie is planning to ask Brunette to marry her.  John is against it: they're a perfect couple right now, so why spoil things with an archaic assimilationist ritual, trapping her girlfriend in "the iron box of heteronormativity"?

Also: she wants to ask Brunette's dad for his blessing first. You've been reading too many Jane Austen novels, girlfriend.


Scene 3: 
 Establishing shots of their trek out of the city into the deep, dark wilderness.  You know Pittsburgh is just an hour's drive from West Virginia, right?

Big reveal: When Brunette said that she was out to her parents, she was lying.  They think she is straight, and Blondie is her "roommate."  So, you're about 30, you haven't mentioned a guy in 15 years, and you're  living with a woman. Girl, they know.

And they can't come out now, because Dad is running for mayor, and he's trying to impress this important, homophobic doner.  Sounds like the plot of La Cage aux Folles.

Besides, he has made it very clear over the years that he will only love his children if they are perfect, and being gay is by definition imperfect, so she has a fake boyfriend played by Jake McDorman (butt left).

When they arrive, it turns out that there are three sisters and a scheming ex-girlfriend, all with long black hair, so I can't tell them apart.  But apparently they all have imperfections that they're keeping secret so Dad won't stop loving them:


Eldest sister and her husband are separated and divorcing, but pretending to be together.  The husband is played by Burl Mosely, seen here on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, where he sings "Don't Be a Lawyer."

Brunette is an imperfect lesbian.

Youngest daughter is writing a Harry Potter-like young adult fantasy novel in secret. 

 Pop Quiz: What happens next?

1. T/F: Brunette dumps Blondie for her ex-boyfriend.

2. T/F: John agrees with Brunette's decision to stay in the closet.

3. T/F: John gets a romantic partner

4. T/F: There are several other LGBT characters.

5.T/F: When Brunette comes out, her parents are fine with it.

Answers and Jake's dick after the break.  Caution: explicit.

"Weapons": Mysterious disappearances, a positive gay couple, a scary clown lady, a femme boy, and a lot of nude dudes. What's not to like?

 
Weapons (2025), on MAX: in the stereotypic small town of Maybrook, Pennsylvania, 17 of the 18 children in a third grade class disappear from their beds at exactly 2:17 am.  Security cams show them sneaking out of their houses and running into the woods, with their arms out like they're pretending to fly.  

I thought this was going to be a mysterious disappearance with no solution movie, like Picnic at Hanging Rock, but there is a solution: we find out what happened to the kids at the end.  Before that, we see the effects of the tragedy on five people:





Justine

The teacher, Justine (Julia Garner), and the surviving kid, Alex (Cary Christopher), are interrogated, and their houses searched, with no clues.  They did not know that it -- whatever it was -- was going to happen.

A month later, still with no clues, Justine speaks to the parents at a memorial assembly.  She swears that she has no idea what happened, but they don't believe her. "You did something to our kids!" the parents yell.

It doesn't help that she's an alcoholic who picks up booze every day on the way home, she picks up strange men in bars (well, to be fair, I do that, too), and she was fired from her last job for inappropriate behavior with a child.  Principal Marcus (Benedict Wong) decides that it would be best for her to take a leave of absence.

One of her hookups is the Cop Paul (Alden Ehrenreich, top photo), who is trying to get clean and sober and stop cheating on his wife, but she gets him drunk and seduces him (no beefcake).

The principal has forbidden her from contacting the traumatized surviving kid, but she starts staking out his house.  Weird -- the windows are covered with newspaper, and when she snoops inside, she sees his parents sitting on the couch, motionless, like zombies,  Alex yells for her to go away, but she continues the stake out.  She falls asleep in her car, and a lady in scary clown makeup bursts in and cuts off a lock of her hair.


Archer

Construction worker Archer (Josh Brolin) is sleeping in his missing kid's room and mourning their loss (I thought it was a girl due to their long hair, but it turns out to be a boy, Matthew).  His wife insists that he go to work, so he heads to the house he's building.  The construction crew is having problems: no sodding, and the door is painted the wrong color, darn it!  One expects him to start yelling, but he queitly puts the red paint in the back of his truck to exchange later.

Next stop, the police station, where the Chief says they have no more leads, so stop coming in every day.  

He checks the security cam footage of his child leaving, and notices that he's moving in the direction of the radio tower.  Maybe it sent a signal?  He asks the other parents for security cam footage of their kids but doesn't get very far.


Left: Josh butt.

Then he sees Justine at the gas station/liquor store, and decides to ask her some questions.  But while they are talking, Principal Marcus comes rushing up, his arms spread as if he is flying, his eyes all white, and attacks her!  Archer tries to help, but the guy is incoherent, like a zombie.

Paul

Cop Paul happens to be the son-in-law of the Police Chief (Toby Huss) -- and he didn't get the job because of his qualifications.  They discuss how his wife is coming back early from her trip, and then he goes to work.

The long-haired, scrungy James is jaywalking -- better stop him!  He runs, so Cop Paul gives chase.  He finally catches the guy, handcuffs him, and starts searching his pockets -- uh-oh, a needle prick!  He's so outraged that he pummels James -- with the dashcam recording everything. 

When James regains consciousness, Paul lets him go -- but don't come anywhere near the police station, or report the assault, or you're dead!  

Back at the station, Paul asks his Police Chief father-in-law what to do.  He suggests getting checked for HIV, and forgetting about the video.  In 30 days it will vanish, so as long as James doesn't report, he's clear. 


James

Crack addict James (Austin Abrams. the one with the curly hair) calls everyone he can think of to beg for money, but they've all had enough.  He steals some things to pawn, but the pawn broker won't give him enough.  He breaks into Survivor Alex's house, and finds his parents, sitting like zombies.  Thinking "they must be high," he tries the basement, and finds the missing kids, standing still, lifeless, like zombies. 

There's a $50,000 reward for finding them!  He calls the police and asks about the reward, but they want him to come to the police station.

As he approaches, Paul sees him, gives chase, and attacks.  "But I know where the kids are!" he exclaims.

Paul drives him to the house, and leaves him locked in the police car while he goes inside.  Hours later, he returns, his movements shaky, his eyes white, and drags James in with him.

More after the break. Caution: Explicit.